“You don’t know what you had until it is gone” I find rings true. I disliked some things about where we lived, our town, things like that.
Now, after my mom and dad are gone, I would give anything to go back there, to exactly those days to those places that I looked down upon. Those days and long afternoons when I was bored and dreaming of some thing better. What a waste of time!
Yet no one could have convinced me that one day I would miss these things … sadly, I know how true that is now.
Dear Berit
Everyone is welcome into the Community who has suffered a bereavement. You are welcome here. I am sorry for your loss. It is so true of life that we take so much for granted and do not appreciate what we have until it has been taken away from us.
On a positive side we have memories which we can hold on to. Please do not be hard on yourself. We are all guilty of time wasting and we all lead busy lives and cannot fit everything and everyone into it.
With Covid restrictions in place the last 2 years life has become even harder and that is out of our control. Please take care of yourself.
I miss every minute I could have spent with mam. Why didn’t I curl up on the bed next to her when she didn’t feel well? Why didn’t I just stop and see how ill she was? I didn’t tell her how precious she is to me and how nobody could be loved more than she is. I know that in real life we take things for granted but I wish I’d known how precious our time was. I wish I’d made her time more special. I just can’t forgive myself that I didn’t see her much in the last couple of months because they were on holiday, then full of cold, I’d had my covid jab and didn’t feel great. I was so shocked to see how frail she looked and I still didn’t stop and hold her and tell her I love you mam. I’m absolutely heartbroken
please do not beat yourself up I can see from how much you write on here how much you loved her. she knew that, too. it is hard to say I love you and do all that. we are not perfect. she knew though how much you cared.
if it is obvious to us on the board here, it was plain for her to see.
you are in ANGUISH. do not terrorize yourself so. you need time for gentle mourning remembering the good. the good is what she hopes you will remember. 
Hi Berit, I know I’m punishing myself because I’m not able to cope with her not being here. If she read my stuff she would be so upset for me. She is such a kind and loving person. I just wish I had told her how loved she is. My sisters both have children and they said even if your child is difficult you still know they love you. I hope mam knew how much. My heart is totally broken that she is not here. It makes me too upset when I think of good things or remember her little ways. I wish I’d been better than I am and thought of her more and how she was feeling. My anxiety makes me always be in a rush to get things done instead of just sitting quietly, talking to her and really listening. I just wish I could cuddle her, hold her close and tell her everything I feel for her. ‘I love you’ doesn’t cover it. I’m so empty now and exhausted. I 'm not able to cry anymore.
you need to give yourself lots and lots of time.
she KNEW. because if you beat yourself up unnecessarily then she would be mad. you have grief to deal with so adding horrible guilt is making the grief unbearable.
you have nothing to feel bad about that I can see. perhaps you are
mad at yourself? I have self-loathing because my life is not what
it could be … and I beat myself up.
please try to allow your grief to take its natural course.