Physical symptoms after bereavement

Hi , I’m writing this but , as a retired GP , I guess I know the answer !
My beloved Mam died 4 weeks ago . She was almost 85 and had a life time of heart trouble . I am 61 and count myself lucky to have been blessed to have her for so long … but I am utterly distraught and , really , don’t know how I am going to get through without her.
I was coping ok , for a couple of weeks but this last week I was closely involved with the final days and death of a close friend of my own age . I don’t really know how I did it but , in reality , end of life care has always been one of the few things I’d have said I was any good at :frowning:
So , tomorrow I have to have an endoscopy myself . It’s a 2 year follow up because I have a Barrett’s oesophagus…a potentially precancerous condition .
I was ok about this , even deferring the appointment 4 weeks ago when Mum was dying .
I haven’t had any symptoms of heartburn etc since the original endoscopy 2 years ago .
Then , my friend died at 4.30 am on Wednesday…& in the afternoon , I was suddenly overwhelmed with panic about the endoscopy . Since then I have nausea , no appetite, terrible diarrhoea and a lump on my throat . I’m utterly convinced that , tomorrow , they will find something sinister on endoscopy. I feel guilty because I am supposed to avoid alcohol but have been swigging more wine than usual latterly .
I don’t think I can go through dying from cancer without Mam by my side . I cannot bear life without her and I just feel so terrible .
It’s made worse by the fact that , in February, I fell , making an excellent job of fracturing my ankle . I was on one leg for 12 weeks and couldn’t travel. Mam lived 120 miles away and I didn’t get to see her until she was actually in hospital . No one had said she was deteriorating fast and I feel I have lost special time when I could have been with her and loved her .
I know my physical symptoms are probably psychological as they literally did just appear on Wednesday, after Freda died , but I’m so terrified .
Doctors aren’t exempt from fear , I am afraid , and a little knowledge is not helpful at all . Of course, I go into professional mode most of the time !

Hi i hope you are ok and the doctors didnt find anything as it sounds like symptoms of grieving

Hi Michi , thank you for replying. It means a lot .
After a truly horrid weekend I have survived the endoscopy. Disappointingly I still have the Barrett’s oesophagus so am awaiting the results of biopsies and will need repeat endoscopy in 2 years . Not as brill as could be but much better than I feared .
I feel a lot happier . Sadly , someone has just reversed into our fairly new car :frowning:
That has made me feel faint ! All too much going on !

Thats really good news.sorry about your car.stay positive hun

Hello Anne
How are things how are you feeling? Your post reached out to me. I am a medical sec and one of my good friends is a GP. I think it takes courage as a GP to admit fear and grief as people generally think GP’s are different but you are human you feel fear pain grief panic. I think it’s refreshing to read your post. I lost my lovely mum over a year ago now and like you I am suffering anxiety and I panic over the slightest thing. I imagine my own death and feel so afraid without mum (and dad) in fact life scares me and I feel lost lonely and vulnerable without mum she was absolute best friend we went through so much together. She had Picks dementia and for a while I was her carer. it broke my heart watching my mum slowly slip away over 10 years and I’m now feeling I have no purpose no interest in hobbies and all I want is my my mum back. At times I feel as if I’m going to “lose it” have hysterics cry like a baby for my mum but I don’t I pretend I am ok and the outside world thinks I’m fine. I’m far from it.
I’m so glad your endoscopy didn’t show anything sinister. I just wanted to say don’t feel alone as there’s so many of us going through the same thing feeling as you do. Take care

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