Where to start? 
See! Even writing this post is tricky! Here’s what is happening with some context. It has been 2 years, 2 months and 3 weeks since the out of nowhere traumatic loss of my soulmate. Sue Ryder provided incredible bereavement counselling whilst I awaited therapy for what turned out to be crippling PTSD. Both sources of support, along with the love & support of family, friends & faith community have been tremendous blessings for my children & I.
Am struggling to understand, or find understanding from those close to me, why making plans have resulted in a trully psychological & physical reaction of inertia! And, thinking about plans, making plans, before executing plans is exhausting!
In recent months I have litterally pushed myself, often with a knot in my stomach & tears running down my cheeks, to go out or take on jobs around the house that need doing. Once I am invested by being present at an event, or actively doing a job, am engaged - then utterly drained once done.
I have planned trips to the cinema, local music events, a trip to the theatre (I won 2 tickets!), walks out in nature. At the time am anxious (niggling thoughts of “am I up for this?”, “will I realy go through with it?”, “should I bother when I know it will feel difficult or near impossible as the time appraoches?”) but I do look forward to these events.
Honestly, I have not gone to 2 events so far because my body & mind found it easier/safer to forgo any potential enjoyment to remaining firmly stuck & frozen to my settee for sometimes hours.
Part of therapy & on the advice of those close to me am making an effort to do things that I enjoy, things I used to do with my husband, and yet am overwhelmed with bouts of completely being stuck.
A good example would be today. My daughter wants to see a movie & as a surprise I booked tickets to see it tonight - purchasing the tickets yesterday after bring stuck for 3 days on “should I? Shouldn’t I?” in my angst riddled brain.
Tickets are bought, my daughter is excited. I took her to the station this morning, returned home at 8:30am. It is now 1:30pm. I have not moved from the settee. I have a heaviness in my chest & body. I am stuck. Am using techniques to distract myself, using calming & breathing techniques. And of course am writing this post! It is EXHAUSTING!!!
My mother suggested it may be depression. I doubt it. It isn’t a low mood issue. It is like a panic or angst attack from the moment I decide to plan something, the time between the planning & the event, and coping with angst plus waves of bring stuck/frozen/statuesque in the running up to the event. It is, am going to say it again, EXHAUSTING!!! WHY??? 
I could have written much of your post myself, I put it down to fear of the unknown, I still cannot sort the shopping problem out, I started shopping, in the same shop we used, at 4-00 in the morning but have given up trying finding it stressful in the extreme.
Try to take small steps and remember that you can always walk away if it gets too much.
Everything I used to do for enjoyment was with my wife,for example, we travelled to many places in Greece for many years,soon after Joan died I went to Kefalonia with my stepson, I was careful to go to a town where we had not been before, I was disappointed, I would see something that I knew Joan would like and turn around to tell her,but she wasn’t there and I found out that the grief had travelled 1600 miles with me.
We have to accept that our people have gone, just gone, and are not coming back to us, any other meaning concerning their passing can be sorted out later but we cannot start to begin living some sort of life for ourselves until we accept that fact. It’s tough,and I’m struggling.
I can relate. I think part of it is that so much of our daily energy ration is depleted by grief. In a normal world we would have lots of spare energy, but now we don’t have enough left to do other things and so we feel exhausted. We don’t have the same opportunity to gain new energy either, since our go-to person for that is gone. 
Also, some of the feeling of being stuck is probably because we don’t want the world to move on as usual when nothing is as usual anymore.
I haven’t found a good solution. Forcing oneself works, but makes you spent. So small steps and one step at a time, I suppose, and I hope the therapy helps you. 
Thank you @bootsie, it’s actually a kind relief to know that this is still part of grieving. It’s as if I have had a partial personality change! In our home we shared everything! My husband’s friends & colleagues have said “you wouldn’t know but Simon…” and I’d smile.
I miss him in new & familiar experiences. It just isn’t the same. The children & I have walked the difficult path of making new memories together - we cry, hug, sit in silence or chat. We will spot things he would have loved (or bired us senseless with detail before laughing & stating “Do you even care? Well, I enjoyed it!” 
In my head am a lot more able than I feel. In many ways I think am able because if he was here he was my greatest champion, my buffer, my best friend, who knew me warts & all but never made me feel incapable.
I guess I miss him, and hadn’t dawned on me that enjoying life was a shared experience on every possible level.
@Ulma these words realy hit me hard! That is so true!!!
Family & friends have often said that am tired because am running a house on my own, raising 2 wonderful teenagers with their own ways of dealing with grief, life, relationships & growing up. But my response has been it feels like the absence of my soulmate that makes it all the more tiring.
It’s common sense,you and your partner were a team,you both shared ALL of the work and responsibilities of your life together and when one of you became overwhelmed the other would encourage, help and advise, it’s no wonder we miss them and feel knackered, we are dealing with problems we have never come across before.
@Kado I am sorry to hear you are feeling this anxiety and feeling stuck. I came on today to post re starting back to work 4 weeks after my dad has passed, as I felt debilitated by my anxiety. I hope that I can offer some comfort to anyone who is feeling stuck or held back by the anticipatory anxiety of starting back to work after time off for bereavement. I won’t lie, it was heavy going, so many people came to chat and offer condolences which is lovely but overwhelming, by the time my day was done I was emotionally drained, although that sounds like a bad experience, it was good to get past another stage in this process, recognise that others care and feel like it’s another step further in my journey. @Kado I got myself in a state on Wednesday evening, having just ticked off another event in my diary this month (my sister’s wedding). I was thinking how much I struggle to cope with appointments, events, arrangements for meetings with family and friends feeling similar to how @Kado explains…if someone asks me for coffee or to meet I feel instantly panicked by it. If I have to get myself organised for an appointment, event, work, anything that doesn’t involve being in the safe haven and security of my own home, I feel panicked. My first reaction is to hibernate! I think as parents we feel guilty when we aren’t doing stuff with/for the kids so we do try to push ourselves and it’s okay, we have to keep pushing forward for them as much as ourselves but it always feels like a mammoth task. I realise this is not just something that has happened after my dad’s passing but something I have struggled with since I can remember. I often look at others and wonder how are they doing life? I find it all very challenging an uphill battle, battle being the operative word! I find a lot of comfort being at home. I know it’s something that has hindered a lot of progression in my life in general. Is it lack of confidence? Is it fear of leaving the comfort of home? Is it not wanting to face others? is it feeling guilty or unworthy of enjoying life? I’m sure that your husband would want you to be doing things for yourself and to be enjoying your life in what ever way you can. Take small steps - a ten minute walk after dropping your child off. Going for a coffee or sitting to listen to birds chirping then gradually build up to longer walks, lunch with a friend or family member, going to the zoo/farm/cinema/concert whatever it may be. Be kind to yourself don’t put yourself under too much pressure, but remember the times when you felt like you couldn’t do something because of that anxious feeling and then how you felt when you actually did it, you recognise the feeling and thinking about it is often a lot worse than actually doing it. Big hugs x
Thank you all for your input. It is helping me make a bit more sense of mixed, new, feelings. My daughter & I made it to the cinema tonight - am EXHAUSTED. It was so good to be with her.
We live in a small place so wondered if we’d bump into anyone we knew - so I did what I have been doing (and never did before my husband passed away!) & made no eye contact. I am still happy to engage with folk & be friendly just can’t handle the gazes of strangers.
FYI explored the whole thing of eye contact with therapist for PTSD. I still dread questions, and don’t know how to talk about my life without directly referencing my husband. To me he’s like in this internal pocket only he & I know about which is on my person - am still very much his wife, still very much his doulmate, still very much his best friebd, still very much need him. Still very much miss him, yet he’s still part of our lives.
Bless you all for taking the time to read, and for sharing. Thank you.
Hi @Jojoba
Id just like to thank you for posting, I feel I’m a lot like you on many ways. Ido tend to hibernate, I’m extremely anxious at the moment, like you when ever I have to plan anything, anxious about going back to work, although I’m thinking of returning a week early as if I do that ill work a week and then be on holiday for Easter, that way I won’t be so anxious over the Easter holidays about going back, hope that makes sense. I’ve just realised that there are so many elements to grief, its no wonder we feel exhausted, the amount of stuff thats going round in our brain is ridiculous
Take care and thanks for posting
Dear all, thank you for all of your posts. I thought I was the only one who was exhausted most of the time and had problems focusing or starting something new. I want to go to Grays shopping but it took me almost two weeks to do so. The next step will be phoning the hairdresser (something I wanted to do over three weeks ago) - hopefully, I will have enough energy tomorrow. Philmore’s 67th birthday will be Wednesday 6th of March. Another nightmare day without my lovely husband. It is hard to be on my own because I do not have any family. Sending love and hugs.
The smallest of steps @Annaessex each day at a time. I’m sure it is difficult anticipating Philmore’s birthday this week. Be kind to yourself if you don’t feel up to much. Do you have someone you could ask to call with you for a bit of cake and a cuppa maybe…whatever you do on Wednesday look after yourself. I will be thinking of you x Big hugs
Thank you for your kind answer. I do not have anyone. My friend, who lives nearby, is busy going to doctors and hospitals and looking after her family. I have not heard from her since last Wednesday. I think she is not happy because she wanted to come over on Friday but I did not feel too good and I also received a food delivery (heavy stuff like tins) and had to make room in the cupboard. I think she does not understand the situation I am in. Sending love and hugs.
Thinking of you today x
Hi @Annaessex
I’d like to wish your lovely husband a happy birthday
Hopefully you can focus on all your happy memories with him today xxx
I’m so relieved you shared this as I thought I’d literally ground to a halt. I make lists of jobs, plans to do things as ‘I need to keep busy’ but being busy every waking moment is impossible. I can’t plug the pain of missing my husband with activity 24hours a day. And at the end of each day I think about what I’ve actually done and most of the time it’s nothing! I’ve been glued to the settee for the last 3 hours doing nothing. If I sit down I find it impossible to move and most of the time struggle to stay awake. I’m 56 and don’t understand where my energy has gone.
Dear Lucy55, Thank God for your post. I thought I am the only one who feels like this. I am 63 and my lovely husband died over a year ago but I still cannot believe it. I lost my reason to live and try to make sense of this nightmare. I also have no energy and everything is a burden. I am on my own and struggle every day with this energy-stealing sadness. Sending hugs and love to all.