I can’t stop blaming myself for my partner’s passing. We were together 36 years before he passed 5 months ago from multiple organ failure caused by sepsis and peritonitis. He was in ICU for just over two weeks with a tube down his throat which meant he couldn’t speak. The only way he could sometimes communicate was to shake his head or blink his eyes. It was heartbreaking and traumatic. The nurses explained that he wasn’t in pain and that he was receiving sedation.
When the consultants were taking his care hour by hour (because he could have passed at any moment), I stayed by his bedside day and night, dozing now and again in the chair by his bed. Sometimes his sister stayed overnight too. When he became stable, he didn’t need quite as much sedation and the consultants were taking his care day by day instead of hour by hour.
The day I believe that led to him passing, he was stable. His sister said bye to him, that she’d see him tomorrow and then she left. I chatted to him and said that I’ll leave him in the care of the lovely nurse and that I’d see him in a few hours, but he shook his head and moved his shoulder. I think it was his way of telling me he didn’t want me to go. He hadn’t done that before and I don’t really know why, but it threw me, and I felt confused and scared. So, I told the nurse that I think he didn’t want me to go. The nurse called out to him that I couldn’t stay. (When patients were stable, the visiting hours reverted back to the normal visiting hours of 1.30 – 7.30) which meant I couldn’t stay overnight like I could when he could’ve passed at any moment. I carried on chatting to him, telling him how well he was doing but he shook his head again. I reassured him again, telling him how well the consultants and nurses were saying he was doing and that I loved him and that I’d be back in a few hours, and I stupidly promised him he’d be ok and I went home to get some sleep, totally believing he would still be ok when I returned.
The next day, he was still stable but not as good as he had been when I’d left him the evening before, and within 2-3 days the infection went to his heart and the machine keeping him alive had to be stopped. He had been doing so well before I abandoned him that night and I keep thinking, over and over, that if I’d have stayed with him, he would have pulled through. I keep thinking that even though visiting time was over, I should have insisted, pleaded with the nurses, anything for them to let me stay with him and then he would have survived. I know he had sepsis, but maybe needed me by his side to keep him going, but I went and left him. I abandoned him just when he needed me most. I know he’s passed, but I believe he is with me somehow and I keep talking to him, hoping he doesn’t hate me and can he ever forgive me.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I need you to know this is not your fault! You did absolutely everything you could and your husband would be so grateful to you. I only had 5 years with my soulmate and very unexpectedly at 26 I lost him. I tried to give him CPR and couldn’t bring him back. I blame myself every day, I am a nurse I should have picked up on something or been able to save him. So I understand this is easier for me to say than for you to believe. But this is not your fault. Unfortunately there is nothing you could have done to change this. Something awful has happened, so horrible that your brain is tricking you and making up different scenarios to try and change the outcome. I really wish the outcome could have been different, but it couldn’t and that’s not your fault. Your husband was in the best possible place, if there was anything they could have done to save him they have the knowledge, staff and equipment there to do so. Your husband doesn’t hate you and you don’t need his forgiveness. You love him deeply and he’d have known and felt that - loving someone like that is a great gift I am sure he’d have been so thankful to you for the wonderful years, love and life you had together
To janek77 and Megan3
I understand how you both feel but you have to realise that both your partners new all along how much you both loved them.
Unfortunately this life deals us some very very hard knocks such as losing a loved one but please both of you need not feel any guilt at all you gave them your undying love and devotion and they will both know that. Try to cherish the good times and dont be afraid to reach out for help .
I lost my wife 4 years ago and although im trying to move on ive had to have counselling because i thought i had dealt with her death but obviously not.
She was my world and my heart was ripped out when i lost i cared for her 24/7 at home and watched her wither away to nothing and then she passed.
So all im trying to say is you both did your best for your partners so if you need to reach out to people or counselling dont leave it too late like i did take care both of you xx
It appears that sometimes irrational guilt can overwhelm us when grieving. I’m told it can be part of the process. In your case you have absolutely nothing to be guilty about. I lost my wife in January while in ICU and she, having got over the sepsis, died of other complications. I also sat with her every day as you did and rest assured you couldn’t have influenced the outcome. You must realise that by being there you did everything you could and he will have known that. Please look after yourself, I know it’s difficult as do so many on here.
Was like all of us are not perfet . My wife had vascular dimentia and l nursed her for 5 years l got up as she was at home in bed . She was asleep l got dressed and went to the kitchen and was getting coffee l went back to the bedroom and asked would you like coffee she said yes . Ah live in a bungalow went into the kitchen to get the coffee and returned and she had stopped breathing she was gone . I did not try cpr as she did not to want to be brought back . No not yiur fault and if your hubby / partner alive its not your fault so sorry for your loss ken near oxford
I am so sorry for everyones losses here. You were so young. I too have terrible guilt that will never go away. My husband went downstairs at 10.30 after a wonderful family day and chatting with our daughter and her family. At 10.45 i txt him to say where are you and when he didnt reply I went down and found him collapsed. The doctors and paramedics said there was nothing i could have done had i gone down 10 minutes earlier but it will always live with me . And how can anyone so healthy in the afternoon and evening go into cardiac arrest with no prior known heart issues. How could we his family not have spotted anything. So the guilt will stay with me forever like my love for my soulmate x
Why . not your fault that he had a say weak heart . My wife passed from vascular dimentia so this could not be stopped its not your fault he had a weak heart . How could you say it was your fault . Feelings like this are part of the grief we carry thats not your fault . You are on a journey and is so painfull after he passed . Have you thought of counseling to help or gp support at all . To support you on your journey so sorry you lost him though all you can do is go day by day ken
We’re not robots
We’re not fortune tellers
Hindsight is a beautiful thing…
We make mistakes…we all could have done things different …better… but life really doesn’t work that way, we can only learn from mistake and try to improve… but of course that doesn’t help the person we’ve lost.
Each and everyone of us had partners that knew we loved them and they loved us back… beating ourselves up benefits no-one and none of the loved ones we’ve lost would ever want us to carry guilt for mistakes we’ve made or things we could have done.
I was upstairs online gaming, i came downstairs to see if my wife wanted a tea… i found her gasping for air and suddenly she stopped breathing i wasnt able to bring her back…
Hindsight i could have learnt cpr
I could have came down sooner …
Could’ve should’ve … i beat myself up for a long time, but this wasnt my fault i didn’t make this happen i didnt want this to happen…i could say shes not hear because i failed to save her…but she’s not hear because she had a cardiac arrest.
Everyone on this site has my upmost sympathy, no-one certainly wanted to join but alas here we all are…just taking each day as it comes hoping tomorrow will be easier.
We all have regrets we could have done more. I am trying to do what someone told me. You cannot change the past, But you can change how you think about it. I try to remember the good times, the time my lovely wife made me laugh or I made her happy. We all find it hard It was our anniversary on the 1st and I am sad but remembering her walking down the church with a big smile on her face. Try and remember the good times, the thing you did that made him happy or what hed did that made you happy, I try.
The guilt is a hard one. When my wife died, we had started sleeping in separate beds bit before. Sue had a tuma in her stomach which of course was cancer and it had spread to her diaphragm. Sue had just started chemotherapy it was her first session. I heard her get up and then went to check up on her. Sue breathing was crap, so i called the ambulance even though she told me not too. The next thing she was up reaching for me(sorry i relive this every friday night/Saturday). Then she collapsed i had to give her cpr till the Ambulance arrived (two). They then took her to hospital, i followed down in the other ambulance. When i got there i was told her heart had stopped twice on the way down, and she was on machines down her throat and a machine keeping her heart going. With the cancer and her heart stopping they didn’t know what Sue would be like. So i had to tell them to let her go, which broke my heart. I know it was the right thing but i will always feel guilty for this( i am crying typing this). So i put on my i-pod put on her favourite song put one earphone to her ear one to mine, held her hand as Sue went to the other side. 33 years of marriage which i would not swap for anything even with all this grief and pain. Everyone inc my gp and counsellor say i did the right thing, but that doesn’t stop the guilt i will feel till i join her again.
So sorry for you and talking is what my councillor says is good l lost my wife in feb from vascular dimentia and she wanted to to pass at home she did i knew it was coming but as you say you keep thinking what more could one do . So sorry for you its a hard journey . I must go l am welling up insde ken oxford
You are right, the guilt is a hard one. Not one day goes by where I don’t feel guilty about my husbands unexpected death.
We had just returned from a Christmas holiday, Mark had caught a chest infection and had seen a doctor in Spain. He was told that his blood pressure was normal and was given antibiotics. On the 7th January Mark was sat in his chair, I had been to work that day and had work the next day. I went to bed early because I was tired, what with the holiday and work.
I said goodnight to Mark and left him in the chair.
In the morning the 8th January this year, I got up to go to work, Mark was sat in his chair, a cup of coffee beside him. He looked like he was asleep, but as I got closer, the horror became apparent.
I tried to resuscitate him, but it was too late. He was 58.
I will never forget the vision of him that morning, and I constantly ask, if I had got up earlier, could I have saved him. I am convinced I could have. Our lives are now so different, Mark was everything to me and our children, I feel sorry for them, and guilty that they no longer have their beloved Dad. Every day is painful, and tearful, I try to be positive, but sometimes it’s hard to find a positive when all of your dreams for the future are shattered. Every day without him here is a hard one.
Love to you all xx
I am so sorry for your loss. My experience was the same. I had gone to bed tired after a day with the whole family and us chasing around after the grandchildren. When my husband didnt come up after 15 minutes I txt him as the family were staying with us and I didnt want to wake the grandchildren. When he didnt reply I went down and found him collapsed . So 20 minutes . If I had gone down earlier I dont know. The paramedics said there was nothing I could have done but I will always think I could have . Our wedding anniversary was the following day and it should have been our golden wedding this year with so many events planned, I feel robbed. How could this happen? My life and hopes shattered in a few moments. I feel so sad and guilty.
It’s so awful isn’t it, I keep reliving that night, and how I could still have Mark here with me if I had come down in the night. I just wish I had not been so tired. He wasn’t even ill, I thought he just had a chest infection, he had a good diet and was, I thought healthy. It was such a shock, it really is a nightmare. I am frightened and scared of a future without him, he was such a kind dad and husband, it’s so hard for us at the moment
Sending you my love xx
We all have the guilt feelings, Why did i not insist that we went to A&E when I suggested and my wife said I just want to go home and lie on my bed. I should have gone with her in the ambulance, but the crew did not think it was that serious and I should follow. I try and remember something that we did together that we enjoyed or something that I did for her that she really liked and when I get the "Why didn’t I " or the What If’s I try to remember the Good thing.
Yes, that’s a good thing to do, but I find it so hard, because i really think I could have saved Mark, and mine and our children’s future could have been happier.
I will try to remember good things, but it hurts so much, and we miss him, he was such a good man, it seems unfair xx
Unfortunately the more I google things and mull over everything the worse the guilt gets and the future we were robbed of. My husband had an unusual episode in May which the dr dismissed as a virus when we made an appointment the following day. Yes he did recover for 12 weeks but i so wish id taken him to a and e where they might
