Please help

I’m new here. I’ve started to read the posts. I lost my partner of 18 years this Wednesday just gone from terminal cancer. Though I didn’t want to believe the diagnosis. I cared for him a lot at the end then he went into hospital.
I’ve had crying fits. I have depression anxiety and ME. My mental health has been off the scale. I have had awful thoughts and my mental health was a poor before I his illness.
I have talked to the doctor and will have bereavement counseling if I can travel there.
I hope I can also help others here.
I don’t know what to do with myself. People come round it’s ok for a bit. Then I pace round my house and outside.
I have to plan the funeral and it’s freaking me out. I want him to have a good send off but in a way I don’t want to go it’s do traumatic. I will. I have images of the last day etc with him.
I appreciate any support. I understand many feelings here.

So so sorry for your loss. Believe you will be strong for him at the funeral. It is for him, and you will cope.
My husband of 18 years died at the end of February very suddenly, I came home from work to find him.
I said a poem at the funeral and a eulogy at his memorial service. Believe you can do this, think what he would want you to do, this is all that keeps me going. Like you I get some respite when with friends but when on my own …
Thinking of you

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Hello
Sending my condolences to you
I lost my partner of 20 years in March suddenly he was only in hospital 3 days before he died
When I had to plan his funeral it was so hard but it has to be done my partner wasn’t religious so we decided on having a non religious ceremony more of a celebration of his life i chose his favourite songs for the service too although probably inappropriate he would have loved it
I often told myself I wouldn’t be going to the funeral i did go it was really hard but I got through it and he would have been proud as you partner will be of you too
Although it’s 7 weeks since his passing I still cry and I have done everyday since
I think about him all the time even the dark days leading up to his death (I blame myself for not helping him when he said he felt unwell that’s something iv got to live with) I’m waiting for counselling of which I’m a bit scared of cos I know I’ll be a wreck but hopefully it will help me

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No point starting a new post. Seems to be getting worse the crying. The disbelief he won’t come back. The loneliness. Funeral next Tuesday. Suicidal thoughts told the doctor. Next appointment day after funeral with some other free doctor. I doubt I would do anything. Just so do horrible

Do not give up, believe you will survive this, I keep thinking the same as you, but your love would want you to keep going, for the love you shared and in their memory, there are things I need to do for my love and that keeps me going and you will too. It is utterly unbearable but believe you will survive for the one you loved and for the love you shared.
It is 13 weeks for me now and I cry every day, some days are ust so bad, But I have some moments when I do have relief - it is not that I forget but there are moments when I know I can carry on. You can and will for them, my love would say keep going.
xx

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2 weeks today and I feel worse than ever. Crying all the time. Waiting for Kevin to walk in the door. See people in the street so happy together and cry as I have no one to hold me now to make me happy or just be there for me. Keep thinking why us ? Why did he get such a rare cancer and then get complications so he could not be treated further? Why could they not save him? Just want him back so much it hurts all the time. Don’t want to go on without him by my side. He was 52 future and healthy till he was diagnosed in January with cancer and even then he did not let it get him down struggled through the pain .even after he had his operation he was still happy and cheerful right to the end, for me.

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Thank you I really appreciate this. I wonder what things you mean he would want you to do? May be personal? You can pm if you like. I feel me and my partner skirted around difficult subjects. He did say done nice things. I feel lost. Like I want him to give me a manual or something of what to do?!

I see only two weeks for you, I’m so sorry. I totally understand what you’re saying. Pm anytime. 52 is young. My partner was in his 60 s. I did not want to believe the cancer was terminal. Cancer seems do evil. My partner was a fighter. I’ve also written more in my reply above. Tc

Hi, My Neil had an unpublished PHD thesis and many other articles and research projects which I am hoping to get published one day. I have help in this through his. colleagues. He has left me with so much research material that needs to go to the right people so it will be used properly.
I have him talking to me in my head, telling me to keep going when all I want to do is fall apart. I am also having treatment for PTSD as I found him when I came home from work. (he had an accident at home)
I had to go through his library this morning to look for a book someone wanted to borrow. Just sat and wept.
Do things for him, he will want you to have a life, plans you may have made - do them anyway however small. They do not leave us, x

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Hi there is every point in starting a new post , I lost my partner of 22 years 4 weeks ago , everything you have said you going through , I am feeling many of them , I know they can not match yours because our relationships are so different , for me it came out of the blue yes she had a few health problems but I never thought it would end this way , I now try to look at it from a different point of view , if it was me that passed and I could look down at her and see her feeling to sad and empty , what would I feel like knowing I could not help her , but if I looked down and seen her thinking of me and still sharing the love we had I would smile and say that’s my girl she will be ok and now I can rest , take care of you self that’s what your loved one would want for you xx

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Thanks Brian your words are so true. Kevin would not want me to be so sad. I will try and be the person he would want me to be but it will be so hard as it’s still so raw. He will understand good times and bad times. I have just spoken to him and told him I love him and always will.

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Thank you Brian this has helped me too.

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Hi
you and Brian are so right our loved ones would want us to be happy I often think like Brian says if the roles were reversed how would it be
I speak to my mark every night telling him just how much I miss him and that he will always be with me and I will love him forever

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Hi Julia , if it has helped you in any way , then I would have to say thank you as knowing that I might have helped in the smallest way another person who is feeling lost sad hurt or Lonley some of the same feelings I am going through , then it has made my day a little brighter , x

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Hi Brian my daughter and son in law have just been to see me and I told them what you have said. They agreed with you totally and said that you are so right to think like this. So I am going to do the same and try my hardest to be as happy as I can for Kevin and share our love.he made his decision for both of us.nth ankle you so much.

Hi sue Kiev, I had spent 22 years with my girl and had spent every day with her except for 8 days when I had to work away from home , did I love her every day , yes I did but we’re there days she would drive me crazy moaning yes there was but did I still love her yes I did , there were times I would just sort of go deaf kind of so as not to do something she asked but still I loved her . She had little things that I did not like , but I still loved her but now all them things have gone and now what is left is true love with out all the physical things that used to get in the way I kiss her every day in the morning as I always did and 4 weeks after the sun in my life set , I feel I love her more then I ever did , because my mind is concentrating on making her more proud of her man xx

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Reading all the posts it makes you realise that there are so many other people out there going through exactly the same emotions as you are. I lost my beloved husband Phil suddenly in January after 45 years of marriage. I can honestly say if I hadn’t had my children and grandchildren to keep going for I would not be here now. I wish I could say it starts getting easier but for me it is getting worse. He is in my thoughts constantly but I really can’t allow myself to think about him in any real detail as I end up completely distraught. I find myself really frightened and have panic attacks about the future, we had so much planned and the thought of trying to carry on without him is heartbreaking. Everything is hard, shopping, the thought of going for a coffee, family get togethers, watching my little granddaughters growing up and the older ones doing so well in school and university and he is not here to see it. Life is so cruel, I know I will never get over losing him, there is so much I want to say to him. We loved each other as much at the end as when we first met, we never went a day without telling each other how much we loved each other, we walked down the street holding hands. I can be surrounded by people and still feel desperately lonely. Different people have said to me that it doesn’t really get easier you just learn to cope with it better. I have my house up for sale as we bought it 2 years ago to spend the rest of our days in and I can’t bear to be here without him. People keep saying you are doing really well, if only they new the heartache and turmoil that is going on inside me all the time. I also talk to hime all the time, I have photo’s all over the place and on my phone. I have his favourite duffle coat on the back of the settee behind me, I wore it when I first came back home to try and feel closer to him.

We were together every day except for 6 months when Kevin worked in Cheltenham and even then we spoke on the phone twice a day and spent every weekend together. I know that he is not coming back to me but even so I am having a hard time actually beliving it if that makes any sense. He did things that annoyed me and I did things that annoyed him but we never went to sleep annoyed with each other. I have spent 3 months living on my own but it’s harder now as I am truly on my end. Before there was always the thought that he could be home at some point but that did not happen. I look at his picture on my phone and kiss it every time and tell him I love him. I sleep with one of his t shirts and just hope for a sign from him that he is happy now. Also I can do is cary on as he would want me to. I love him more each day and will live as he would like me to.
I am looking to join face to face groups to talk to others like us as this will help me.

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Thank you for all the replies. We have now had the funeral, the service was good.
As I said I have depression and saw my doctor yesterday. She suggested upping my dose of anti depressants. This would still not be a high dose. I may do this. I am trying to accept help. I think this is important. Thinking of you all.

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