Thanks group for sharing your experiences and your comforting words. Slowly the personal possessions are passed on to family members it takes a while and I would say a little courage also to start that process. But yes do hold on to something I am blessed having technology savvy grandchildren who had taken video clips on their phones of there an at her best. Laughter and tears generated so many emotions some of the pain has ebbed but the sorrow 11 months on still lives on still so many questions to find answers to that’s why it’s so important to us all to open up don’t bottle up the need to talk paramount in these troubled times. One regret I have is that I did not tell my wife I loved her often enough so people tell the ones you love that you love them. Non of us are promised tomorrow so don’t put off till tomorrow what you can say today. I Love you.
So true, Terrymc, but sadly too late for most of us. Take care x
I so agree with you ,we lost our son three years ago this coming December,there were things we threw away but the majority of things we kept until we felt able to do so…I’m so glad we waited for in doing so sorting through them bought back so many wonderul memories,things we had forgotten …yes,it also brought back many tears and sadness but also laughter and happiness too and for a while our son was back with us agan…, did we hrow them away? no we put them all back where they belong…xxxx
My husband died 13 days ago at home suddenly. We had moved here into our first owned house five years ago and he’d made every bit of it perfect for us. We started off with no kitchen no working bathroom and a hideous house in a bad area (it was unoccupied for years before we moved here due to anti social behaviour graffiti smashed windows etc so we worked on it for five years, making it a quirky home perfect for us rather than one to sell). We now have a house packed with stuff and my husband had built me my dream garden but now I can’t bear it here even though I love this house and its by far the best home I ever had. I can’t watch all his work be broken bit by bit by the local yobs thieves and time but that will happen if I stay here alone as I can’t continue his work and can’t operate a lot if what he made or had (or example I can’t even drive and have a car, already yesterday kids threw a glass bottle next to it) We have cameras he installed for me but I know they will stop working soon as I don’t know how to keep them working and I don’t trust anyone to work on his stuff, also I don’t want local people to know I’m alone here now so too scared to employ a local electrician or suchlike in case they tell the wrong people.
I can’t watch what he built crumble around me. Already in this almost two weeks the power went off due to the paramedics breaking a socket and I had to undo a lot of home automation he had set up because I can’t work it. The house is not welcoming and safe to me like when he was here.
now I feel trapped by the stuff we cherished because I just want to go live with my mum as not sure I’ll survive otherwise but can’t leave this house of stuff as the local vandals will ransack it once they realise my husband is not here anymore. Packing a full house and garden of stuff seems an impossible task and then what do I do with it all.
Need my husband, not any of this stuff… totally agree with so many posts in this thread. i am trapped by this stuff we used to value and enjoy.
Dear FleurDeLis, I read your post - it breaks my heart to know you and your husband put in so much work and effort to make a home out of a run down house. Looks like you did it on your own - that’s really great! On the other hand, looks like you live in an area where vandals and shysters take advantage of people like you - you know, that same set of circumstances happened to my wife and I when we bought our home back in May 2015. We had found that the contractor did such shoddy and didn’t tell us about the deficiencies. We got flooded out after our first month - the air conditioning system was never upgraded. The list goes on but I want you to know we sort of went thru the same situations as you and your husband did. Being a handyman I was able to bring our place up to a livable standard as you folks did. In your case, I see you are overwhelmed by the maintaining and unfamiliar knowledge involved. I am sympathetic to your plight. In my situation, I was the one who kept up the work, labor and buying what was needed to keep it that way. My wife pitched in by being my cheering section and handling the bills, groceries, cooking and keeping us on track. We both worked hard at upgrading the place - she would tell me that she worked on home projects with her father when she was a teenager. What can I say? We both did our share! At times she seemed to have boundless energy in doing work around this place. I was amazed at what she could do
with so little and at times a tight budget. Anyway, long story short. Our work was stopped when she died suddenly (same as you). I have done what I could, but if I had a way out of this I would do it. My wife was my inspiration - when that died, a part of me died too. (That’s the state I’m in now). I deeply understand your plight and nobody could blame your for feeling like you do. I admire you for your honesty in this predicament. I might have done it that way too - I haven’t abandoned my work so far, but as I look at it now, I wonder if this was all worth it. Maybe it will change but my mindset is far from it now. Please understand that I am able to understand your plight - it may not be the same, but some things can be overwhelming.
In no way am I suggesting you do one thing or the other - that’s your choice but know this : I do not blame you for the circumstances you are under. I do hope you will find a way to resolve this challenge. I know this message seems long and boring - but all in all I want to let you know that I can understand your trials because I 've been there too. My best wishes and my deepest sympathy for you. I am am sorry that you lost your husband (seems like a fine man in my opinion). Good luck dear lady!
Herb
Fleurdelis, I don’t know what to say. Your post is heartbreaking and I wish I could think of something that could help you. Your husband only died 13 days ago, suddenly , and you are in shock . My husband died suddenly too so I can understand what that can do but your situation is just unbearable. Are the police aware of what’s going on or is the whole area all out of control,? Is there any way you could get a friend to move in with you for a while o give you the support you so desperately need.?Your husband was a star, as was mine, he spent years making our house into a home for us and I can understand how you want to protect it all. But as you said possessions and “things” no longer have the same meaning so maybe you could get together the most important things and go to your Mum’s until you feel strong enough to face it all? I don’t drive either so I know how frustrating that is, but maybe you could hire a man with a van to transport.the things you want to protect? Just some thoughts. Thinking of you and hope you can keep strong xxxx
Hi there it has been 9 weeks since I lost my husband all his things are where he left them I can’t bring myself to touch them I know what you mean when you say nothing means any thing I like you shed lots of tears just don’t know how I am going to cope without my dear husband Colin
Dear charliemolly, I am sorry to know your husband died and so suddenly at that. My wife died suddenly in our home - it was too late to save her. I can relate to how you must be feeling. I am so sorry for you. My wife died about a year ago – and yet I still miss her like it was just days ago. What I want to say is that I go thru each day doing what I must do to keep alive and well. It’s not the best I can offer but maybe it will give you some little hope that you can make it thru ordeal. Wishing you my best wishes! Be brave dear lady!
Herb
Greencat1950 thank you so much for your message I must say it brought a few tears like you my husband passed away at home he died in my arms I struggle to get through each day cannot bring myself to sort through his things your message has given me some hope so thank you again
Hi. I feel exactly the same way and do the same things as you are doing. I lost my wife of 38 years two years ago and for me things have not improved although I am sure that it does for many. I am the one who has spent a lifetime gathering possessions and recently I have been buying to try and snap out of the way I feel. It hasn’t worked and I would throw every possession into the nearest river if I could have my wife back. I hope the time will help you and things will improve for you soon.
Charliemolly, I am so sorry for what has happened to you, I too lost my husband very suddenly , seven months ago, your loss is so much more recent than mine. Even after seven months I haven’t moved anything of his, clothes, toiletries etc, I just can’t bring myself to do it yet. But there’s no rush , you need to wait until you feel the time is right , however long it takes. Sending love xx
thank you for your comforting words and deep sympathy to you all too… I am sorry there are so many of us who lost our partner in a shocking way (though I am sure not in a shocking way is also still a shock… there is no good way so I don’t mean to diminish anyone’s pain only to say I am also one of you) my husband was fine at his computer chatting with me whilst I worked from home on my computer and I was making coffee and within an hour I was pulling him with all my strength around at the instruction of the emergency operator and trying CPR but he had already died holding my hand before he fell backwards on the bed I now know. I don’t know how we can ever cope but thank you for your suggestions.
My dear mum is staying with me which I am glad of as it is the thing getting me through each hour. She had the long covid or something like it (never confirmed but matches symptoms since the start of the year and she’d gone to the Dr before we really knew about covid in January) and my panic attacks in the night make her upset and have to use her inhaler as she can’t breathe. We are there sleeping in the bed now instead of downstairs, in the room i tried to bring my husband back to life. So many flashbacks keep coming and my mum is so sad for me as she lost her husband (my dad) at a young age too.
My husband was my home not this house. Now the funeral happened yesterday my mum and I are expected to go back to work as we already had three weeks off, she works in a school and I worry she will get reinfected as she doesn’t have covid antibodies (she paid to have one of those tests) So far I have been too busy and looked after to drown in all this but I know it will get worse once those things disappear after the funeral and people will expect me to be normal.
I already feel a new panic starting when I felt quite calm earlier.
Thanks again and I hope today you have some comfort of your own.
Jean 2 I feel exactly the same as you I am praying that we will all find the strength to get us through this aweful time
Charliemolly oh my goodness you poor lady that must be aweful for you having to live with the fear of vandals as well as losing your husband it is hard knowing what to do in our situation I can’t offer you advice as I like you lost my dear husband 9 weeks ago and I honestly don’t know where I am going but I am here if you need a chat hopefully all of us can get through this together in time sending hugs
Charlie molly I understand all that you are feeling I lost my dear husband 9 weeks ago and I feel I am existing not living as all of us on here I am heartbroken
Dear charliemolly, Your messages bring tears to my eyes – I wouldn’t wish this ordeal on anyone, friend or foe. We can sympathize with you - I know it’s difficult to many of us her have been there too. It’s hard I know - but somehow we must try to get thru these traying and difficult times. I have gone thru the same thing. I cannot get thru the idea that my wife is no longer here - but somehow I must. Sometimes I am on “automatic pilot” - meaning i just thru the motions each day - I make my own meals, do laundry, iron my own shirts - Somehow my life has changed a bit but I do the best I can – In time I am sure you can too. Yes, you get moments when you just want to cry your eyes out - I know that for a fact - I’ve done it too.
One lady on this forum said she talks to herself as if her husband is till here – well I’ve done that too! I even shouted my wife’s name and asked her why did you leave me??? I’m a guy - yeah I should be strong but I guess it’s my love for her - I think of all the times we did different things together and I miss her My family gets tired of me talking about her - should be over it by now or maybe I should go to an old peoples home. I know they they don’t mean it that way - they are not where I am = so I guess I can forgive them
but I’m not giving up yet! And neither you! So be please be brave dear lady
Herb (a.k.a. Greencat)
Charliemolly Thankyou so much for your
I do try to get through the days by being busy even though I am retired I still work even so my husband is always there I find my grieve hits any time but evenings and nights are worse I even shed tears at work
I have started to notice everyone is a couple and every where I go there is a memory can’t imagine how I can going
P
Dear Charliemolly, I know you’re trying - and I also know it’s difficult. Someone on this site stated that you take each day at a time and one step each day and you will see how far you have gone - Yes it will not bring life back to the way you envisioned it but you will be able to get thru it. You will never forget him, but in reality he is always going to be a part of you always! I hope this helps. (It’s not much but’s the best I can offer for now). Stay with us dear lady!
Herb (a.k.a. greencat)
Charliemolly to green at 1950 Thankyou again for your kind message it does help me a lot as you know when you lose your soul mate and best friend it is almost to hard to bare my heart goes out to everybody who is in our position