Positive but touch of guilt


If I can I’d like to hear your views?

I lost my father in Oct 2018, followed by my husband in May 2019, my world collapsed & I didn’t think I could survive the pain or see any future & I remember the paralysing Fear.

I remember thinking when people went back to there own lives I have a choice Sink or Swim, it wasn’t easy but it’s like a survival mode kicked in.

Now… I go to work, I eat, got used to living alone, made new friends, organised a holiday, I smile, I laugh, I do our allotment & garden… I can look at our photos of holidays & smile at the memories.

Then I came crashing down today with a comment from a neighbour “looking at you, you wouldn’t know it wasn’t long ago that you lost your husband, you couldn’t have loved him” I didn’t know what to say so said nothing.

Her words have made me feel guilty, could have done without it.

Advice please?

Hi flower garden
I am on my train home from work and I have just read your post. My mouth is actually wide open with shock.
Having read some awful things on this site in the year I have been on it, this is by far the worst. I have no idea where people learn their behaviours, how they live their lives or what goes through their tiny minds.
When my mum died suddenly 14 months ago I had no idea how I was going to be able to breathe without her in this world. I just wanted to die and at times I still feel like that. But in the last year I have managed to return to full time work, look after my 13 year old who i brought up with my mum, keep a house running with washing, ironing and housework all done. I still cant see friends or listen to music without crying and I still cry every few days. But I have survived and I know I will continue to. You have done fantastically to form this new, unwanted life. Please ignore the stupid ignorant comments from this neighbour. Dont let them bring you down. Bd proud of what you have achieved following the loss of your beloved husband.
Cheryl x


Thank you Cheryl :slightly_smiling_face:

Some people are very good at running other peoples lives especially when they don’t undestand how hard life can be when you grieve. Just put it down to their ignorance for now. they will understand when their turn comes.

Your neighbour has said something truly appauling. Be proud of how far you have come and do your upmost to ignore her terrible words.

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What an insensitive old bat! Please don’t let one simple comment get you down. She clearly has no idea what it’s like to lose the love of your life.
My beloved husband died recently and I cry nearly all day when I am alone indoors. When I am out, like you, I put a brave face on it. You have to don’t you?
Good for you, I think you seem to be doing it just right and I wish you as much happiness as you can find given the circumstances.

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Thank you Jean2, Daffy123 & AnnR, Yes this neighbour still has her husband and both her parents, I feel sad for her really, she knows not the pain that she may face in the future.

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Hi Flower Garden & Everyone-It appears the theme of “Hurtful Comments” has been coming up quite often on this forum. It leaves me wondering, when people make these insensitive remarks, are they really that clueless, or just plain mean-spirited? I recall after my Mom died, I had been back to work only a short time and was wearing my “public mask.” A younger co-worker said to me “you would never know you lost anyone, it is like nothing happened.” I was appalled and left speechless, but my first thought was "how dare she refer to the loss of my beloved mother, as “nothing.” She still had her mom & Gran, and lived with them both. She had no concept of the private pain I was carrying. You’ve had two losses in a short time, kudos to you for working so hard to restore some semblance of a life for yourself. Do not let her judgmental comments take you off your path.
Words hurt and can set us back, Do not give her that power. Pity her instead.
Take care.

I can’t believe she said that to you, she is not a nice person. You are doing what your loved ones would want trying to get through each day the best you can. You should not let someone like that get you down.

Thank you Rach & Sister 2.

Hi. FG. Well, as someone said, I am speechless. What an awful thing to say. It reminds me of the old saying, ‘put your mind in gear before you open your mouth’. They just blurt out whatever comes into their minds. Words have great power, and can hurt as well as uplift. You are beginning to emerge from this awful experience, and although none of us will ever forget, the pain does ease. I found your post uplifting in spite of the awful comments by your neighbour. You know you loved your husband, so try and ignore such remarks from an obviously ignorant person. Avoid them. Keep well away. such people don’t deserve any of your time.
Bless you and take care. John.

Thank you Jonathan, I appreciate your words.

Hello FG
I was thinking how uplifting your words were and how kind of you to let us all know how you was getting on. Then I came to your last two rows and I simply couldn’t believe my eyes. You must have a lot of self control.
Don’t feel guilty please, you have done so well. Please don’t crash because of an insensitive remark. Most people are trying to be kind with their silly remarks but I’m not sure what was going through this women’s head.
Like you I was told I could sink or swim and also felt that need to survive kick in and I also have allotments and garden so we have a lot in common, except that I would probably have said a few choice words to that woman.
Hold your head up high and feel proud of yourself, you have done so well.
Pat xx

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Thank you Pat.

What a horrible thing for your neighbour to say im only 9 weeks into grieving my partner snd some days i feel okish and other days i jusy want to cry i also lpst my dad 4 years ago and mum always said at first she felt guilty for doing just little things but then would say dad wouldnt want her to be unhappy and as hard as it is your life has to go on althouhh at 36 i dont feel like it right now but i know i cannot sit and stop doing things for the rest of my life
So hard though

Thank you.

Hello just read your post, I don’t know you but feel proud for you what you’ve achieved so much, all I can say is well done and keeping doing what you’re doing. Whoever said that possibly didn’t mean it in a negative way but was surprised that you have overcome so much sadness and are getting on with life. Life is precious, desperately hard for those left behind, we all deal with it differently and I admire your strength of character. Brush aside comments like that and be proud of yourself. I too hope to be in your position but it’s early days for me.


Yes Carolmae. It is early days but you will get there. Your posts have been positive and although you may be crying inside you do come over as a sensible lady. Being ‘sensible’ is very very difficult. I am not being patronising. No way! All our posts echo our temperament. Some pessimistic others uplifting. So many of us are in such deep grief it’s so difficult to be in the least optimistic. It all takes time and a lot of patience.
Very best wishes. Bless you. John.

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Thank you Carolmae.