Potential infidelity

My husband aged 39 died to suicide in September last year, leaving me alone with 5 children. We’d been together 20 years since teenagers. He developed an addiction to cocaine and prescription drugs after 13 years together when he was in his 30s. Really random as he was tea total before.

Anyway my grief has been horrendous lately, the realisation he isn’t coming back. He was my best friend and sole mate. I don’t agree with drugs, so kicked him out hoping he’d change. Our relationship turned toxic in 2018 due to all the fights about him lying regarding drugs. I threw a mug at him and he left me calling me a psycho, he randomly added loads of girls on Facebook telling them they were attractive. He invited himself round to ones house and basically ran me down to her and she said he was off his face and made him leave. A counsellor told me drug addicts do all kinds of things in the grips of addiction they seek solace and support all over the place and told me to see it as part of a bigger problem ( drugs) in which he needed help. I stool by his side and he did get better for the next 4 years, he went to AA and had periods of sobriety. He returned to his lovely self, and was ashamed of everything he’d done in the past. He was always a great husband and father prior to addiction. He text me the night he died, saying to remember whatever happened to know he loved me and the kids more than anything. It was too late by the time I got help.

Now I’m trying to process everything, people keep saying to remember the person before addiction. I have ocd and for some reason I’ve developed the thought he could have cheated on me in the past before addiction. Although I have absolutely no evidence. A girl I disliked years ago told my friend she didn’t know what my husband seen in me as he was so good looking and I was irritating. So I blanked her next time she tried to speak. She then told me she seen my husband in our car with a girl with dark hair. I confronted my husband over this at the time and he phoned her to ask why she was lying. She said she wasn’t sure it was definitely him but seen our baby on board sticker on the car window. Anyway he looked like he was telling the truth. And later she accused another friends husband of sexual assault.

On my hen night walking home my niece took my bride to be sash off me and wore it. My sister said a group of girls walked past and said I’ve slept with the brides husband. We were all drunk so I never thought about it. Plus I trusted my husband impeccably. I thought my sister could have misheard, it could be my niece, they could have been joking. Basically all these things happened 17 and 14 years ago. My husband rarely went out, I would check his phone and all he used to look up was sport. He didn’t ever act guilty or nothing to indicate an affair. All his friends said he was a proper family man. I always think cheating comes out in the end anyway and we live in a small town.

A lot of people say I’m doing this to try and stop the grief by painting him out to be an adulterer. I’m so upset with it all. I want to be able to grieve but now I have this in my mind it’s making it hard.

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@Kat1984 So sorry for your loss in such circumstances. It must be so overwhelming for you. The last text from your husband was that he loved you and the kids more than anything. That is what you must take with you as he probably knew it might be his last text and he wanted you to know that. Ignore rumour and bad mouthing about him from troublemakers. I think we do try and find reasons to make grief easier and you cannot always control which thoughts take over from time to time. Accept that you loved your partner, he had problems, he loved you and told you that with his last words. That is the only truth you need. Love and support xx

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Thank you so much. I’m driving everyone mad, as he was such a lovely lad but very troubled towards the end. I never ever felt unloved. He’d always tell me how much he loved me constantly, it’s almost like he was obsessed with me too, maybe another part of his addictive personality.

At first the shock and trauma made me ill all I could focus on was how ill I felt. Then the grief really started to kick in. I’ve never known pain like it. Maybe I wanted a get out of jail free card. If only hey?

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@Kat1984 The initial pain is beyond our imaginations and we are overwhelmed. Grief then takes over and we feel all sorts of emotions. We are all different and find our own ways to deal with it. You know he loved you, he probably knew the trouble he caused you which he really did not want to but could not help. As I said try and take that love with you as you grieve. Take it slowly and be good to yourself and your children who have lost their dad. Post as you feel everyone here knows pain and will understand. xx

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Sorry for your loss. I’ve just my partner of 17 years too. I’m 38 so I’m thinking we are the same age. I never expected to lose my partner so young, I’m sure it’s been the same for you too. Life is bloody cruel sometimes. I hope you don’t let all your questions eat away at you though x

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A lot of my friends and family are saying he adored you, he’d never cheat. You have no evidence and it’s not fair to try and label him as a cheat. This makes me feel more guilty but my brain won’t stop. My ocd completely runs away with me. Someone said if you thought there was any truth in it back then you’d have been more suspicious. It’s only because the addiction has caused so much doubt.

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Sorry yes I’m 38 I was with him 20 years. I always had a feeling he may die from a overdose I never imagined he’d take his own life. That’s the craziness of how I’m feeling. Logically the situation is bad enough without me trying to add more uncertainty. I think maybe I was so used to living with addiction drama for 9 years I’m making stuff up to fill the gap as I’m not used to peace. Which is sad really x

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If you have no solid proof then you’re just going to drive yourself crazy. Perhaps part of you is trying to find faults so that it makes your grief easier. It’s a horrible situation for you to be in. I hope you can either get answers or find peace in your mind so that you’re not constantly thinking it over. If you found out he did cheat do you think you would feel any differently in your grief to what you do now? x

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That’s the thing, I’m not gonna get answers am I? as they are both wishy washy examples. You wouldn’t leave a happy relationship on hearsay unless you had proof, in the 17 years since I’ve never had reason to suspect him, plus I always believe in things always have a way of coming out, they never did.

I don’t think it wouldn’t change my grief, but I would think it would be the worse thing ever, as he’s not here to get answers. Plus I’d think the whole of my relationship would have been a lie, as I’d have put my life on it before I got these stupid random thoughts the other day that he’d never cheat. He didn’t give me any reasons to doubt him. He hardly went through the door. X

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@Kat1984 Do not torture yourself. Write down the words of your love’s last text and leave them lying around the house and carry a copy with you. If the bad thoughts intrude read those words. They will guide you. Love xx

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Oh im so sorry for how you’re feeling. I feel exactly the same my partner was addicted to alcohol. He always said he wasnt but he couldnt stop so just guessing he couldnt admit the problem to himself! Im 30 and he would have been 38 this year.
Try not to go back over the bad times though and dont torture yourself over anything your not 100% sure of. Just try and remember all the good things because remember thats the bits you loved about him and your relationship in general! X

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Thank you. I’ve gave my head a wobble today a lot of my friends and family are saying before addiction he was the most beautiful person, he’d never cheat, the only issue was the addiction that made him lie. So you’re looking at your whole relationship as a lie, which it wasn’t. They all think I’m trying to make him out to be a bad person so I don’t have to deal with the grief. I think I’m most angry that he’s just left me. I know he wasn’t in his right mind at the time. I try and think the him before drugs would never have left me and his kids. I guess the anger part of grief is coming out.

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I think when ever you lose someone important in your life your emotions run riot, sadly anger and bitterness are two very powerful ones that can take over.
You had a fair few years together and sure sadly it wasn’t perfect and you had your rocky moments, drugs and booze addictions are a real bitch and ruin so many lives.
Hopefully in time your anger will decrease and your remember the better memories you had together :slightly_smiling_face:
Best of luck to you in your struggles ahead.

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I just want to thank everyone who replied. Today it’s like I’m back in my normal head. I don’t think he ever cheated at all, just someone who was very sick with addiction. I now feel back to if I’d have stuck by him more maybe he wouldn’t have killed himself. Maybe that’s what I was subconsciously trying to do. Paint him out to be a cheat so I don’t have to feel guilt for him being alone when he took his life. I either flip between feeling angry at him or guilt at myself. I think my emotions are just all over the place. Doesn’t help that I have ocd either as my mind obsesses on one subject then will jump to something else.

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Kat1984
I really hope you find comfort and peace soon, as I hope for everyone on this site.

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Hi Kat, My husband passed just over a year ago and my head was (and still is sometimes) all over the place, Lord knows what I was thinking in those early weeks/months and my thoughts changed from one day to the next. I remember just a few weeks into this awful grief, I kept thinking that my husband hadnt really loved me at all- he was just ‘putting up with me’ because he was so ill from the cancer, then I began thinking that if he hadnt had the cancer, he would have left me before now. There was no reason for me to think that way - we had been together for 34 years and loved each other to bits. We were so supportive of each other and my friends all commented that our love and happiness together was wonderful to see. So why would I start doubting his love for me? I never doubted his love when he was here. It’s probably because subconsciously I thought it might make this unbearable pain more bearable. I think you may be doing something similar, unconsciously. Just because you think something doesn’t mean that its true. Our thoughts are not truth - they are only thoughts - and when we are in grief, they can be random torturous thoughts. At the time, they can seem logical, but later I’m sure you will see that your husband loved you very much, just as he said he did. It wasn’t cancer, but it was an illness which claimed your husband’s life. He was ill, whether through addiction or through depression or whatever. We dont have all the answers to why bad things happen, and you’re right - there will always be questions unanswered. Please, for the moment, try to accept the ‘not knowing’. Your husband obviously loved you very much.

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Thank you Jane. It is crazy this grief. I really never knew that it could be this way. I always imagined grief as just being sadness. If only!

I guess it’s just a process we unfortunately have no choice but to go through. X

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Hi @Kat1984 I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband and under such tragic circumstances. I think grief can make us so irrational and we can lose our sense of self. I don’t know if this would be helpful but I recently read ‘The madness of Grief’ by Richard Coles based on his own journey through grief after losing his partner, It really validated those irrational thoughts, feelings and emotions we experience upon losing our beloved partners, whatever the circumstances of their death. Your right when you say that we go through grief and always will and not ever something we ‘get over’. Sending love on your journey xxxx

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I will look into reading it, thank you. I’m always up for reading new material. I’ve become obsessed with the afterlife, whether there is anything after death too. Before I’d always kind of had faith there was probably more but didn’t give it much thought, now I’m obsessed, but again it often leaves me feeling worse as there really isn’t any proof one way or another. X

@Kat1984
So sorry, both for your loss and the torture your mind is putting you through. I am sure our minds try to find any way which can make this either not true or easier to understand.
Just remember that whatever you are feeling is a normal part of grief in which, sadly, anything goes.
Sending love
Karen xxx

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