I posted my first message last night, but thought I would start a new thread rather than latch on to someone else’s.
My husband died on 8 Oct, (it was his decision). Although he had attempted this twice before (it was incredibly traumatic for me over this past few years, dealing with all that comes with it) it has obviously come as a huge shock, I was at work, and I just ‘knew’ something had happened. He was only 56.
We were to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary a couple of weeks after his death, (we had talked about it) and his birthday is coming up soon too. So lots of special days between the day he died, and the near future.
The most tragic and saddest aspect of this, is that he was diagnosed with a large brain tumour last year, and underwent almost 14 hours of brain surgery, which was a complete success. It was benign, and the surgeons managed to remove it all and a recent MRI was clear. It was a fantastic outcome.
At the beginning of this year, we both were really hopeful for the future, but it wasn’t to be. Such a tragic, sad and damn waste of a kind, gentle human being, but although I know he is no longer struggling with his demons, it doesn’t make it any easier.
The first 10 days were a complete and utter shock. The worst week for me, was the third week, I had no control at all over crying, but I just let it out. Perhaps it was the worse week as it followed my decision to arrange his funeral, which I did, It is a coroners case, with an inquest early next year.
I have ‘ok’ days (GP has signed me off work) but then they alternate with dreadfully bad days. Up and down, up and down, up and down. My GP called me the day after it happened, and he has seen me once a week since then, for 30-40 minutes each time, which I really appreciate. I thought I would be able to go into work already now for a few hours, but I realise I am very far from ready.
In the past I have never sought help, I am a ‘just need to carry on’ type of person, but this time, it’s really knocked me for six, and I am not as resilient as I thought I was (despite everyone saying that I am, given what we went through this past few years).
I am taking any professional support that is offered to me. I am very private usually (we both were), but I just don’t think I have the strength anymore to keep all this in. I don’t have family nearby and we always kept ourselves to ourselves which in these circumstances now is not great. We live quite rural, and quite isolated. Work colleagues have been good. His family members have visited, which is nice, but even they live an hour away, and after a visit of an hour or two, I feel as though I’ve had enough. It’s contradictory, I am very much alone, but then when someone does visit, I can only deal with short visits and I want to be alone again… My head is just all over the place.
The worse thing for me, like many of you, is the realisation I am now alone. It’s frightening. I have had a few panic attacks, and these overwhelming feelings of being scared as I am now alone. I am very much thinking ‘What’s the point’ it’s all so futile and hopeless. When J was alive, I spent quite a lot of time alone due to his work, but I enjoyed my own company, and I even travelled alone (he had travelled extensively before we met) and it suited us both with me travelling to a place many 000’s of miles away to visit a country I used to live as a child - besides I think he was quite happy as it gave him a rest from me nagging him to ‘take the bins out’, and his close friend from days gone by would come and stay for a few days with him when I was away, so it was a win-win).
Although photos are ok, I cannot bear to see any films on TV or hear music he enjoyed at the moment, it doesn’t give me comfort, it just reminds me of what I have lost.
Thank for reading, and I hope you all find the strength to eventually manage and live with what must be the most painful, distressing, and overwhelming of any human emotion known to us - grief.
Edit: Sorry, just realised how long my post it, I did’t mean to ramble on…