Practical and pragmatic, but not this time

I posted my first message last night, but thought I would start a new thread rather than latch on to someone else’s.

My husband died on 8 Oct, (it was his decision). Although he had attempted this twice before (it was incredibly traumatic for me over this past few years, dealing with all that comes with it) it has obviously come as a huge shock, I was at work, and I just ‘knew’ something had happened. He was only 56.

We were to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary a couple of weeks after his death, (we had talked about it) and his birthday is coming up soon too. So lots of special days between the day he died, and the near future.

The most tragic and saddest aspect of this, is that he was diagnosed with a large brain tumour last year, and underwent almost 14 hours of brain surgery, which was a complete success. It was benign, and the surgeons managed to remove it all and a recent MRI was clear. It was a fantastic outcome.

At the beginning of this year, we both were really hopeful for the future, but it wasn’t to be. Such a tragic, sad and damn waste of a kind, gentle human being, but although I know he is no longer struggling with his demons, it doesn’t make it any easier.

The first 10 days were a complete and utter shock. The worst week for me, was the third week, I had no control at all over crying, but I just let it out. Perhaps it was the worse week as it followed my decision to arrange his funeral, which I did, It is a coroners case, with an inquest early next year.

I have ‘ok’ days (GP has signed me off work) but then they alternate with dreadfully bad days. Up and down, up and down, up and down. My GP called me the day after it happened, and he has seen me once a week since then, for 30-40 minutes each time, which I really appreciate. I thought I would be able to go into work already now for a few hours, but I realise I am very far from ready.

In the past I have never sought help, I am a ‘just need to carry on’ type of person, but this time, it’s really knocked me for six, and I am not as resilient as I thought I was (despite everyone saying that I am, given what we went through this past few years).
I am taking any professional support that is offered to me. I am very private usually (we both were), but I just don’t think I have the strength anymore to keep all this in. I don’t have family nearby and we always kept ourselves to ourselves which in these circumstances now is not great. We live quite rural, and quite isolated. Work colleagues have been good. His family members have visited, which is nice, but even they live an hour away, and after a visit of an hour or two, I feel as though I’ve had enough. It’s contradictory, I am very much alone, but then when someone does visit, I can only deal with short visits and I want to be alone again… My head is just all over the place.

The worse thing for me, like many of you, is the realisation I am now alone. It’s frightening. I have had a few panic attacks, and these overwhelming feelings of being scared as I am now alone. I am very much thinking ‘What’s the point’ it’s all so futile and hopeless. When J was alive, I spent quite a lot of time alone due to his work, but I enjoyed my own company, and I even travelled alone (he had travelled extensively before we met) and it suited us both with me travelling to a place many 000’s of miles away to visit a country I used to live as a child - besides I think he was quite happy as it gave him a rest from me nagging him to ‘take the bins out’, and his close friend from days gone by would come and stay for a few days with him when I was away, so it was a win-win).

Although photos are ok, I cannot bear to see any films on TV or hear music he enjoyed at the moment, it doesn’t give me comfort, it just reminds me of what I have lost.
Thank for reading, and I hope you all find the strength to eventually manage and live with what must be the most painful, distressing, and overwhelming of any human emotion known to us - grief.

Edit: Sorry, just realised how long my post it, I did’t mean to ramble on…

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OnlyMe - I am so sorry. It is just unimaginable pain, isn’t it? No one understands unless they have lost a spouse and no one but those who lost their loved one to suicide can fathom the pain of such a loss.

I, too, am quite pragmatic. However, losing a spouse is beyond our control or ability to comprehend.

Cry until you stop. You will stop one day. The tears will come at times, but they won’t be constant. The physical pain will subside. Know that in 18 months you will be in a completely different place emotionally and physically.

We survive as best we can. We are surviving as I type this. We are survivors but we are the walking wounded.

Much love.

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I’m so sorry for the loss of your loved one @OnlyMe2 and I find that what you say completely resonates with me.
I’m 8 months in now and I am just starting to process my grief after my husband died age 56 after a very short battle with a rare and aggressive cancer.
I recognise the feeling of panic, worry for the future, total shoal and disbelief and that longing and loss that feels as if someone has punched you hard.
For 8 months I have watched repeats of only one safe tv programme, listened to no music at all and found it difficult to understand what I wanted or needed from those around me.
I was looking for answers that no one could give me and trying to find a connection to anyone, as I felt so alone.
But I am starting to work through my emotions and fears and a lot of things are better. I’m less anxious, I’m more confident in doing those things that were my husbands jobs and I can at last listen to some music.
So please dont lose hope. I promise it will get better. Time in itself doesn’t heal but it does help dull the pain.
And then you will be able to slowly move forwards in some way.
Sending love and strength cx

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Thank you @PeachesDixon and sorry for my late reply. Today was the first day I had an ‘almost’ normal (I use that word advisedly) day. By that I mean I did weep and it wasn’t out of control as it has been the past 6 weeks. I went to see some work friends this morning, outside of the office environment, and although it was difficult, it did offer a small bit of normality. Perhaps that why I got through today. I have cried most days, but this past couple of days, it isn’t as bad as it has been, although I accept it will be 3 steps forward, and 4 backwards.
I decided when this happened, to just ‘roll’ with whatever I was feeling, it was the only way otherwise there is no way on this earth I could have coped. I am glad I did it.

I still get panic attacks, and sudden waves of extreme sadness, and I accept that is part of me now for a good while.
Thank you again Peaches, you speak wise words.

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@roni52 Thank you Roni, and sorry I took so long to reply. As I have just written to Peaches, today has probably been the ‘best’ day so far over the 6 weeks.

So agree ref music, as music played a large part of my husbands life (in his professional life), and so I am just avoiding. I have overcome some quite important hurdles, such as visiting his place of death, and going to see him in the chapel of rest, etc. And I am glad I have done those things.
It will be his birthday next week (57), and his best friend from university will be coming down. Apart from me, he was the one who knew J the best.
My GP and a Family Liaison Mental Health professional have both commented that the way I am approaching this is very good, and they said I am doing really well dealing with it all. Of course, I beg to differ, but being practical/pragmatic, I have (almost) accepted what he did, and why (he left me a note), of course it doesn’t make it easier, but I at least understand him and the way he viewed the world.
I have the inquest to deal with, and I think that ‘may’ be easier, as it deals with facts, which I find easier to cope with, rather than the emotional rollercoaster we are all going through.
Thanks for replying, and it is heartening to read you are working through things. It is of course at the moment all pointless, but hopefully it will improve over time, and you words bring me hope too. Thank you.

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OnlyMe2, yes. There are briefs moments of almost normal for me now too. They revive us, lift our spirits, and we have a new good memory to think about and smile. I had a couple this afternoon. Brief, but normal.

I get panicky too. When I am feeling it come on, I take a long soak in a tub of really warm water with some wonderful scent in the steam. Try it, relax and pamper yourself with some quiet time in the bath.

Just a hint - I always feel better when I look better, so now at the 2 month mark, I am paying attention to hair, make-up, and clothes that fit properly. I don’t have to look (or smell) like I feel and I just can’t answer the door in my nightgown with scraggly hair anymore. It is embarrassing.

Grief doesn’t flow in a straight line, it curls and circles around. And yes, it is part of us now. It is our life, like it or not - we are stuck in widowhood.

I feel bad for all of us.

Love.

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Well, my week that started off relatively ok has gone downhill. Not sure why ,but it’s been a bit crap the past couple of days especially this evening.
Last week I went to the place at home where he killed himself, and I coped with it relatively ok, but I wonder if now I am getting a type of delayed reaction and that’s why I have gone back a few steps. I find it really hard to believe this has happened, but believe I must. I suspect it will be a sleepless night….

Had a few ok…ish days, but this week just gone it went backwards to the nth degree.

Last Tuesday, it was:
7 weeks since he died,
3 weeks since the funeral
his birthday
I picked up his ashes.
and I was at the hospital (for me),
Complete overload, and my mind was about blown by that point, it was a too much.
Last two days were ok, but suddenly, no idea why, I’m down again more than I was. It’s up and down, down and up, without warning.
Bizarre isn’t it…how the mind works.

Hi OnlyMe2

7 weeks is very early days, so please just try and get through each day. It is 32 weeks tomorrow since my beloved partner passed away suddenly, having previously been given a clean bill of health.I am still very up and down. Some days I am quite focused and others I am still reliving the events of that dreadful day.
I know now that this is normal and I am probably calmer now, as it doesn’t take me by surprise as much. When I go to bed at night I try and think of something I need to do the next day ( however mundane) and plan what I’m going to eat. Otherwise the temptation is not to bother getting up at all and when you do just eating rubbish.
I don’t like this new life but I am slowly getting used to the quietness and aloneness. In fact when I do go out I find myself looking forward to going back home.
I don’t think the pain will ever go away, but we will learn to live around it. I know I’ll never be the same person again.
How life can change in an instant.

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@jody Thanks Jody, I admit that last Tuesday was way too much for one day to handle, and perhaps on reflection I should have paced myself a bit more.

Still, what’s done is done, and at least I got over those hurdles all at once - his ashes, and his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, all in one day!

I would like to think the next few weeks hold little surprises for me, hopefully.

I know that I am not sleeping this past few nights, last night I barely slept 2 hours. So I need to keep an eye on that, it’s easy to slip into exhaustion, which I suspect I am close to now.

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I found in the early weeks I slept very badly. As time has gone on I can sleep for 8 hours, but in honesty I think I’m just exhausted with all the grief.
Wishing you a better night’s sleep tonight.

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Kind words, thank you Jody

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Well, another hurdle overcome today.
I took a load of clothes (outdoor work clothes) to the recycling centre today, along with some other bits and bobs.

Tip of the day: Don’t plan, it leads to too much thinking. Just do it on the spur of the moment.

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