I recently put at topic on here that after my husband suddenly passed away due to heart attack in April , I feel I am “pretending “ to make me feel ok and for other people . I make myself go to work , I make myself go out , I make myself meet friends , I make myself smile , I make myself say to people “I am ok “ I recently said to a friend I am just “pretending “! She said “No your not ! Your COPING ! So is this how I have to “cope “ for the next 30/40 years of life ? “Pretending “ is that coping with it ? Great because it’s exhausting!
6 Likes
A little bit of pretence is ok, but you must also allow yourself to grief. We all cope with it differently but i would say be you. If you need to cry do if you dont want to do something dont. People mean well but until they walk in your shoes they cant understand. Mine is 8 weeks on Subday the tears the longing the hurt are still so very real. Hugs jo xxx
6 Likes
I am coming up to 17 weeks , so 4 months , so I kind of think people “expect “ that you must be doing “fine “ by then ! I know there is no time limit last week I laughed I had a laugh , and I realised I wasn’t faking it ! It was the first time since my husband’s death that I had laughed !
6 Likes
Jane ty that gives me some hope I need something to help in this world of grieve. The days are so long and lonely. I feel like i will go mad at times. Xxx
3 Likes
Hi, I just joined and I hope you don’t mind me jumping in here. I agree that you need to let yourself grieve and feel what you feel. This is so important because your mind and body need gentle, patient care and time to adjust to the shock. We do have to go through the motions of life but our reality and perspective have changed. It might be difficult for others, even those closest to us, to understand that. [This is one of the hardest things for me to accept.] Please do what you feel you need to do for YOU. I really hope you don’t have to continue to pretend.
B
7 Likes
Me and you both B and never apologise for jumping in we are all in the same boat trying to make sense of our lives again . Hugs Jo xcc
3 Likes
Somebody more or less said the same to me.
As you have written is this what coping really is?
It is exhausting.
Rose xx
4 Likes
Talking about coping, it is 6 months next week since I Iost my wonderful funny, kind husband after 44 years together. I nursed him through the last 8 years with his younger onset dementia and although he lost the ability to verbally communicate he never lost his personality and a smile and a wink for me. I never seem to be able to go 5 minutes without thinking about him. The only way I cope is by imagining he is physically attached to me in some way so we are still a couple in my mind. I talk to him while I’m doing routine stuff about the house etc. I talk to his photos too. I thought this was little bit strange until I read about the “continuing bonds” concept in bereavement which explained a lot about it. While losing him physically eventually a psychological bond develops to help compensate. I’m hoping this idea might ease the pain eventually although it hasn’t yet. Thinking of you all, it does help to know I’m not alone with this intense relentless feeling of loss.
8 Likes
I hope so too i talk to his photo i hold the heart with his hair and ashes in . I have a ring and necklace with ashes in to and they come everywhere with me. Here praying we all get some peace and sense of belonging and happiness. Hugs jo xxc
5 Likes
If I had my way I would talk to anyone and everyone every minute of the day about my wonderful husband, how he was my third time lucky after two abusive marriages , and how we were together nearly 24 years but only got married in September 2022 when we “eloped “ secretly to Gretna Green , I want to cry and tell everyone I am sad, and feel totally robbed , but I am sure they would get sick of hearing it !
6 Likes
It really doesn’t ever go away does it?
I’m coping, well I thought I was, but reading these posts I think that yes, maybe I’m pretending 
My heart and mind are filled with Roger. He’s constantly in my head.
I talk to him I write to him.
I talk about him to anyone who will listen
I know he’s not coming back but I can’t accept it, so perhaps like a lot of us, my coping is in fact pretending
Love and hugs to everyone
X x
7 Likes
Yes Liro i think you are right. Pretending is easier then excepting the fact. I talk to Gra i just miss his voice. I wish with all my heart that this was just a nightmare i could wake up from. Xxx
5 Likes