On my way home this evening I thought I would pretend that it hasn’t happened and that my husband would be waiting for me at home, it was a lovely moment I felt excited thinking what would he be doing, and that soon I would be home just like normal and we would chat about our day and plan what we would eat and do for the evening it was great while it lasted but of course he wasn’t there but I enjoyed the pretence and maybe I am going a little bit crazy but I don’t really care, it worked for me !! hugs to everyone xx
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Hi mab I am doing that every single day I cannot accept my husband has gone Paul passed in January from coved every day I expect him to phone me to go and collect him from the hospital I know I must try to accept it but I don’t want to x
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Hi
Like both of you , I can’t accept that my husband has gone. It’s been 16 weeks now and I’ve made arrangements to have grief counselling.
I knew I had to do something as yesterday, when I picked up the post, I hoped there would be a letter telling me he was coming home. The thought was so real and intense that it made me realise I needed help.
Whether it will work or not remains to be seen ……
Take care and look after yourselves,
Julie x
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Do whatever gets you through these early days. Your emotions are on a roller coaster ride now. Acceptance takes time. It will come… one day.
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Hi it has been 9 months now since Paul passed I know I also need grief counselling but know I can not physically talk about it because it will make it real where as on here I can type in my thoughts and feelings without the deep deep pain of it being for real not sure if anyone understands what I am saying x
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I know I need help but that’s admitting Paul has really gone and I can’t admit that x
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I might understand a little.
Not sharing or moving on is the best way to keep them as close as possible.
I phoned cruse bereavement service.
I couldn’t speak just held the phone at arms length and cried.
Give yourself permission to do it whatever way you need to
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Hi
I understand completely what you are saying. I can’t bear the thought of what happened to Ian and so spend most of my days sat in his car in our favourite haunts with a coffee like we used to. I’m here in one now and it does help me feel closer to him.
Like you, I try not to even dwell upon what happened as it is too painful and I don’t want it to have happened.
As to whether I’ll get through grief counselling I don’t know. I cried all the time during the initial contact and that was just telling them his name and why I had contacted them. My daughter and sister want me to give it a go so I will for them.
I’m going to have to make a decision to whether to move or not as my nearest family is a two hour drive away. It’s a decision for the future now as I have left all of Ian’s clothing, possessions exactly as they were and the thought of having to go through it all is just too painful and final.
Take care everyone
X Julie
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My husband was diagnosed in October ‘20 with MND and they arranged a counsellor for me ( MND society paid for it). He then unexpectedly passed away in December & I was then given 3 months longer. After that I had 6 weeks trying to cope on my own and then went back to same counsellor & paid myself. I spoke to her initially fortnightly, then monthly and now it’s 6 weekly. It has really helped me enormously though many days I’ve just cried down the phone. She will tell me when it is time for our chats to stop but I know by then she will have given me the confidence & tools to cope… I still have this amazing group to help me too. I would recommend counselling to anyone thinking about it. It’s been worth the sacrifice over the past year.
But remember, be kind to yourself 
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Hi mab, I still pretend and keep him alive, I go n sit by grave for a hug everyday, close my eyes and rem how he held me and stroked my eyebrow, I chat and kiss him hello n goodbye. Read his tx n tx back as though they’re new. His tyre tracks are still in his special parking space, clothes over t chair. I feel him by me just wish I could dream of the past times
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Hi Jenw and why shouldn’t we, I always said we were like a pair of old slippers we knew each other that well and it can’t just disappear overnight, we loved togetherness shared everything and were devastated when they said we only had weeks left together which only turned out to be eight days but we had an incredible life together and like you say many memories all around us it doesn’t take the pain away but offers crumbs of comfort, thinking of you xx
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I still have that feeling that I’m just waiting for him to come home from work, I’m lucky that I have children so the house is not empty, but going to bed is the hardest, I miss his arm around my waist and the bedroom is so quiet, I miss shushing him snoring and fighting for the duvet. I have to be really tired to go to bed and I listen to one of those sleep apps for the noise. His coat is still on the hook next to mine and his work fleece on the back of the door. His scarf is in the pocket of his dressing gown that I wear and when I’m desperate I can smell his aftershave still on it.
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I lost my wife of 38 years in February, I do use Cruse, I have a regular zoom call weekly with other people going through the same as me, it really helped me a lot and I met many people during the process, I would recommend it, I was suicidal for a while but Cruse and the group got me past it. People cry, get emotional but get to share, its totally confidential and know one judges you as we are all going through the same.
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Your not crazy I pretend as well but I pretend he’s in hospital and coming home anything to get you through so you are not crazy it’s grieve big hugs annie x
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Sometimes I forget and think I hear the door and look up thinking he’s home from work, my mind playing cruel tricks on me my son looks just like him and out of my eye I think it’s my husband just momentarily and then I remember and it hurts, how can I have existed three months without him, it helps to read these posts and that I’m not alone, thinking of us all and our poor wounded souls xx
Lost my darling husband of 44 years on 18th September 2021 to Motor Neuron Disease. My brain knows that he is gone but my mind doesn’t want to accept it. I sometimes get a split second where I think he is beside me on the sofa again and as quickly as I look, the reality is already in my mind and no he isn’t there. I think its some sort of learned memory thing but the gunk makes my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach.
I wish you well, I’m not sure how or if I will ever get used to him not being here. Take care of yourself as well as you can, eat well, sleep if possible and know that others are so sorry for your pain and understand it as another bereaved spouse.
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Welcome to our family. It’s good to come on here and read posts even if you don’t always post comments. I also lost my husband to MND in December 2020. Life is taking me on a different path and sometimes I block out everyday memories as it’s just too painful. Other times happier memories bring me much comfort. Every Anniversary of an event is difficult but I find it’s the little triggers in everyday situations that upset me the most. I’m going with my daughter/SIL and grandson in couple of weeks to where we used to live to scatter my husbands ashes. Then on the 1st Anniversary of him passing I’ll scatter some where they planted a tree for him at the crematorium. He’s in my heart wherever I go and I intend to honour his love for me by living the best life I can. It’s just the emptiness of missing & being that one special person that will never go away. Sending healing hugs to you on your journey 
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