Hi everyone, please can you help me to know that I am not going mad.
I feel like I’m pretending all the time to everyone and it’s absolutely draining. I’ve literally not been able to do it this week and embarrassingly had a panic attack at work. It’s been 4 and a half months and still my life feels wrong and I don’t feel like myself. I just want my old life and self back.
You’re not going mad. 
We all have to pretend, some of us more and some of us less, to get through the days. It is draining, as you say, and we need to be kind to ourselves during this time. Everyone grieves differently, but 4 and a half months is early, even though I know it feels like forever. Don’t push yourself too hard to “get back”, but if you keep having panic attacks it might help to talk to a counsellor.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I have spoken the same words as you. You’re not going mad only grieving. Grieving is a horrible thing to go thru. Take each moment as it comes. Just remember to breathe.
actually, I DID go mad. after my father died, I went momentarily insane.
in fact, what other time is it appropriate to go mad! and if you are, it is NORMAL.
best to seek counseling, what have you. a few months in is early.