Projecting sadness

I know this is being over sensitive and it’s all part of grief but this happened last night and it’s played on my mind ever since. It makes me want to just retreat.
My friend, who I’ll stress has absolutely been there from the second all this happened and who is experiencing the loss of the same person, phoned me last night. I don’t have much conversation and any I do tends to end up in tears but I’ll happily listen. I know my tone is probably a bit flat but I genuinely try to sound happy, encouraging and I really thought I was doing that fairly well. She was talking about Christmas and all her plans. I thought I’d made all the right noises, asked questions where it seemed right. Added in that’ll be fun, commented positively on decoration ideas and even suggested some. You know all the encouraging sounds we make. I don’t resent anyone planning a happy Christmas. I managed not to cry. And as I say I thought I’d done well. They suddenly paused and said ‘ach I know Christmas won’t be good for you’ in a tone that suggested I had really being sounding down on her whole plans. I was gobsmacked but quick to say that I really was interested and apologised for putting out any negatively as I didn’t mean to. She muttered a couple of times something about maybe it was just her projecting but it was clear I just ooze sad even when I don’t think I am. I thought I’d made a bit of progress in managing it all with others, and had even considered taking up an offer to spend Christmas day with some folk. Can’t see how I can do that. I don’t want to bring the sad to any party. I k ow it was just one comment but it has just confirmed everything I feared about how I am with other people and they’ve all been assuring me I’m not. I’m away to find a rock to crawl under :speak_no_evil::hear_no_evil::see_no_evil:

Hello stillhiswife
We all greif in different ways and it washes over us in waves some bad days some good days we need to remember to honnor our loss and be thankful for what we had .our loss will be different it is unique as a fingerprint to some a wife/ husdand to other a mother/child or sister/brother all as important but all playing a bifferent part. Our words can come out as hard but yes we are greifing talk to each other breathe and remember what was good the memeries you had all together as some will be different .so done beat your self up breathe take another step and tell each other truthfully how you are feeling dont cover open wounds . I amsorryfor your loss sending much love I feel your pain xxx

I think we can be much more sensitive when we’re grieving.

However It’s your first Christmas & it sounds to me like this person was chatting about her plans for Christmas then suddenly remembered who she was talking too and then felt uncomfortable.

Maybe you could go for the Christmas dinner & then go home, that way whilst your there everyone’s busy with the meal and then you can go home and feel free to take of the “mask?”

Some times people express themselves badly when they are trying to support us. Your friend probably feels she put her foot in it and had only good intentions. If you feel she cares and she has supported you try to think of all the comfort she has tried to give you. She may have said lots of helpful things but got it wrong on that occasion. As regards people feeling uncomfortable about grieving generally, that’s more about them than you and seems to happen to most people who have had a very big loss. They would rather not think about death at all. You are entitled to grieve and it’s not surprising you aren’t all singing and dancing after all that’s happened. If you feel your friend really cares and wants to help then it’s worth considering just that she expressed herself badly. I send you all my best wishes xxxx

1 Like