Putting on a Brave Face

We lost my Dad quite suddenly at the beginning of December 2018.

I returned to work quite quickly after because I thought keeping busy would help & then took a few days off for the funeral.

After the funeral I got stuck straight back into work, Christmas & New Year have been and gone, the time feels like it’s running away.

People comment & say they don’t know how I’ve composed myself, how I’ve been happy and cheerful at work etc. It’s such a front & the truth is I do it because I feel like it’s expected, that I can’t have a bad day or cry. When I do confide in some, they just don’t understand & tell me how strong I am. Deep down inside I’m wanting someone to just give me a cuddle but yet at the same time I don’t want to burden people with my feelings or that it’s all I want to talk about.

I compare myself to others and the loss they have experienced, the time, how it happened or how old the person was. Like I feel there are always others who have it worse so I’m not sure how I should feel.

I think what I’m trying to say is, im thinking about speaking to a counsellor but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, when others may need it more than me.

You deserve to have counselling the same as other people

Dear Jade… I’m so sorry for your loss… and I really do know how you’re feeling. I lost my Dad & brother as a result of a house fire in April… the worst day of my life. I, like you try & put on a brave face because I feel I have to and yes, friends and others say how well I’m doing but the truth is I’m falling apart inside. I have had meltdowns & cry a lot in private… I can’t even look at a photo of my Dad at the moment… it’s so painful. I too don’t want to burden others & I don’t think they understand how I feel anyway. You can’t compare your loss to others… it’s personal and it belongs to you and how you feel… and that’s perfectly fine. I’ve thought about counselling but I can’t decide whether it will help me or not… it maybe just what you need and please stop thinking you’d be wasting someone’s time… you wouldn’t be. I found Christmas & New Year a very difficult time as I’m sure you did also. I read a lot of what has been written on here & have found it a great comfort in many ways. Take care & sending a hug. x

Thank you for taking the time to reply, means a lot & it’s nice to here how others are coping and feeling.
I just don’t want to sound like a broken record going on and on about how I feel to my friends and work colleagues.
I guess the emotions will continue to come in big waves, it’s a very strange feeling knowing you won’t see or hear them again.
I can’t stop looking at photos which does make me feel very sad knowing I won’t see his face again?
How are you? X

Hi again Jade! I’m ok ish & thank you for asking. What about you? You saying about the emotions coming in big waves… that’s so true… same here. There have been odd times in the past 8 months that I’ve felt I may have turned a corner slightly & think I’m starting to feel a bit better only to go full circle & find myself back where I started. I, like you, cannot believe or accept really that I will never see them again… hopefully in time we will begin to come to terms with it… I know they’d want us to. My dear Dad would be so upset if he knew how I was. Do you speak to your family about how you feel or do you feel you can’t because they’re grieving too? You really realise who are genuine friends you know… in good ways mainly but some not quite so. I’m not the sort of person that would want to burden others either but I do think some people can be very tactless & thoughtless at times. Anyway, we’re on this journey whether we want to be or not… I know there will be lots of bumps along the way. We’ll learn to live with it somehow I hope. Have you thought anymore about going to counselling? Remember just feel how YOU feel… you’re allowed to you know & stop worrying about how you think others think you should be. Take care & sending another hug. x

I’m very sorry to hear about your father. My father lost his life 2 days ago and I’m absolutely devastated.
You’ve been brave so far but you know, it’s ok to cry and it’s ok to feel upset and grieve.
I sometimes feel the same where I feel I have to be brave but I have just cried and cried, even in public. I just can’t seem to stop the tears. He was my hero.
I was thinking of seeing a counsellor too. You won’t be wasting anyone’s time as that’s what they’re there for. To help you cope better and try and move on.
It will help to let your feelings out which maybe that is what you need instead of keeping them all inside to boil up.
I hope your ok and you can speak to me anytime.
Good luck x

Bereavement and grief are not emotions any of us understand until we experiene them. After funerals everyone goes back to their normal routine but your life is stuck in a traffic jam with nowhere to go. And it’s very foggy. We try to be brave but inside we are falling apart. It’s good to cry and its very good to talk. But go to counselling they are trained to help you let go of your emotions. It will help you and you will not be a burden. They understand. Take care X

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I’m very sorry to hear about your Dad. I know exactly how you will be feeling right now it will be so raw.
I was exactly the same, I couldn’t stop the tears for the first few days.
It literally feels like someone has ripped a piece of your heart out!
If you need to talk about anything, you can talk to me anytime.
Take Care x

I’m feeling better this week, but I am stuck in at work. So I really don’t have much time to think about anything, obviously it’s the last thing on my mind before I sleep & the first thing I think about when I wake up.
He wouldn’t believe that I could be this upset over him, he’d be shocked and then probably tell me to toughen up haha!
I’ve been shocked at those who have been there for me & disappointed at those who haven’t even offered there support but like you say, people can be insensitive. I just laugh it off and then moan about them to my friend who’s been the most supportive. Thank you so much, I think I’m going to keep talking on here and using the people I’ve got. It’s hard to say because this feels like a ‘good’ week.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I thought I’d experienced what a broken heart felt like. But nothing compares to the heart ache I have felt after losing my Dad. Such a weird feeling. X