ramblings from a sad git.

ive been in the little bungalow I purchased with Jaynes money just over a month now. ive unpacked several boxes, somethings ive packed away again .apart from bits and pieces of item in bags the bedroom im in is like its Jaynes ,ive put all her teddy bears in her little wicker stand,ive put a few clothes of Jaynes in the wardrobe and some more personal stuff of Jaynes in the draws next to the bed.ive put pictures of Jayne round the home.i need some little nails to be able put loads more pictures and Jaynes masters certificate up.ive not got any money worries ,but im as far from being happy as is humanly possible.im just a very unhappy lonely for Jayne saddo.im having trouble sleeping,usually between 4am and 6am I drop off and usually shedding a few tears before and as I sleep.id give anything to have Jayne with me.she made my life so special and I loved cooking and making Jaynes life as relaxing as it could be when she was home.cooking now consists of warming baked beans up and a round or 2 of bread.maybe a couple of pasties heated up in the oven.Jayne would call me before she left work and id ask what she fancied for tea,as it took 2and a half hours drive home nothing she fancied to eat was out of the question and I just loved it when she got home .im not one iota coping,im lying in bed as I write this,ive no get up and go or desire to do anything.luckily ive got a driving lesson tomorrow which I took up to take my mind off track a bit,but the instructor is a friend ive known for over 20 years I usually chat about Jayne as im driving.im turning into a bit of a recluse dont leave the house till its dark to get a bit of shopping every other evening or so.as ive posted earlier this month im hoping do a sky dive for charity in Jaynes name and memory as nothing means or could mean more than what Jayne means to me.i love Jayne with all my heart and soul.im so so sorry that no matter how many posts I read about those of you who kind find things to do and even get your selves back to work or socialising .its just not for me and as of now I cannot ever see it being.im probably not the type of person you need around if you’ve lost a partner and coping as my depressing state of mind isnt any help at all.probably more likey to drive anyone away who tries to help by offering advice on what I should or shouldn’t do.i used be very out going chatty and fun loving bit of an extrovert.that died in me on the 10th of feb when my world collapsed with the loss of my very best friend lover and soul mate Jayne.

Hi Ian funny but what you write is the same for me except my Alan would do the same for me as you did for your Jayne. I would phone him when I left work and the outside light wou giding me home and dinner wating for me now I can’t even be bothered with food but I do try to go out I hate coming back to an empty house because it’s not a home eny more. Christmas I just don’t want to even think about it. Owen lives have changed for ever and l don’t like it one bit l am going back to work after Christmas can not face it before leaving don’t won’t to think about the future. You arenot on your own not on here x

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Hi Ian. I’m sorry I can’t offer any wisdom. I lost my mum but I see your words in my dad. He’s so lost. My heart aches for him. But I know I can’t do anything as no one will replace my mum. Do you have any close family hope you don’t mind me asking. How awful her family are acting like that. I suspect it all comes down to money. Awful people. Take care.

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Hi Ian. I am so sorry that you feel so unhappy but you are not alone. You are opening up to people on this forum and I’m pleased that you can talk about Jayne as you do. So much love, so much caring.
I think you are actually doing very well although you might not think so.
You have moved house and making a home for yourself. You are learning to drive, and considering doing a sky dive in Jayne’s name. Your no saddo, but a brave man in my eyes.
No one should offer advice it’s our own personal journey and only we know when we are ready to do another step forward. You will know when you are ready and will go out and find that chatty, fun loving person again. Many of us don’t recognise ourselves anymore, I know I don’t, but every so often the old me appears.
Good luck with the driving lessons and get fit for that Sky dive.
Love Pat xxx

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hi Cj
thank you for your nice response, your situation sounds so similar to mine .
got say I wont be celebrating Christmas,or looking forward to a future with Jayne.so many people are going through this terrible heart wrenching loss of a loved partner.
regards ian

hi Jooles
thank you for your response.i have 2 brothers who live quite away away,my mum lives closer but she as no real empathy,my dad died in 2006 which
was terrible,but my mum still hasn’t got over my sister dying in 1985 when she was a very fit 9 year old,was a freak occurrence she was with a running club and was sick and it blocked her airways ,mum tend forget it affected all the family it was my little sister I was the oldest sibling .I was at work in Nottingham when I was told by my grandma what had happened I was devastated I broke down and cried .and though Jayne had never me her we used always put a post every once in a while in the local paper saying how much she was missed .and when I lost Jayne I realised that although losing my sister and my dad was devastating. losing Jayne was a different level I cannot of imagined how sick and hurt and lost and devastated I would feel at losing my soul mate Jayne ,theres nothing that could of prepared me for that fate.
thanks again Jooles
regards ian

hi Pat
thank you the driving lesson come therpy session went well .must admit I could talk about Jayne and my feelings for her constantly and never tire of it.As for getting over it and moving on,i aint sure that I would or could ever happen.to say I loved Jayne doesnt cover how much Jayne meant to me,she was everything I could of ever wanted in a partner. I cannot explain why we never got married,Jayne said a few times she didn’t want anything special, she would of been happy just me and Jayne and 2 witnesses going to a local registry office.thats one massive regret and its got bugger all to do with inheritance its the pinnacle in lots of peoples idea of showing your love for your partner.id like to believe that the day I leave this world I will be reunited with Jayne,and hopefully all of us left behind will meet up again when we pass over.
regards ian

My Stan did all these things for me, Ian, I have realised how much he did do since he passed away.

hi Mary,
and like I felt Jayne deserved molly coddling when at home.Stan would of felt the same.

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Thank you, Ian, for your kind reply.

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your very welcome Mary .

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