I’m not thinking of self-help books as much as accounts of grief by those who’ve lived it and tried to make sense of it - the sort of thing I feel we all try and do on this forum.
I’ve read five, all of which I found helpful in trying to work through my own feelings.
Julian Barnes - Levels of Life
Joan Didion - The Year of Magical Thinking
CS Lewis - A Grief Observed
Rev Richard Coles - The Madness of Grief
Sonali Deraniyagala - Wave
I think I connected most with Barnes but that might be because the way his wife died was very similar to mine - almost to the exact same number of days from diagnosis to death.
The Deraniyagala book is very different to the others. It originates from her therapy sessions - she lost her whole family to the tsunami that hit Sri Lanka twenty years ago. It’s a hard read but she’s very honest about how the tragedy changed her, and not always for the better. In what she relates I recognised a lot of my behaviour and thoughts (my craziness!) after Heather died, most of which I’m not very proud of. Knowing I’m not the only one who felt that way does kind of help.
I have read several books but two by the same author I have found really helpful, I bought the first one shortly after losing my wife and dismissed it, in hindsight I was not ready to really digest this book now nearly two years on I have now read them, both several times and now view them as my go to books.
The first to read is “A New Way to do Grief” read this first, the second is “Becoming Radiant - A new way to do Life following the “death” of a beloved” both are by Tom Zuba, he also has a Facebook page.
@BlueCanary One book that I read that still has me thinking today some 3 years or so later is:
I am a Strange Loop by Douglas Hofstadter.
Although it stems from the authors loss of his wife it’s not really about grief but more an exploration of consciousness and the authors need to know ‘where she went’. It’s based on the authors understanding of mathematics, which I have no real education in, and although a little dense in places I found it reasonably easy to follow. It doesn’t provide any real x+y=z moments but reflected on the whole it has given me a change in perspective as to how we comprehend ourselves and so others. It’s a bit of an odd one and won’t be for everyone, but for me it’s been one of those books that I rate as I still think about it years later.
Thank you @Walan , that sounds really interesting. Since my wife died I’ve found myself strangely fascinated with cosmology and quantum mechanics and how science (as opposed to religion) implies this life may not be the end of our existence. I will definitely take a look.
@BlueCanary ah sounds like it may be up your street then, hope it proves illuminating.
Also thanks for the recommend on the Barnes book. I got it on audio and listened to it this morning as I took a long walk on the beach, really did enjoy. The last part, where he deals directly with grief was very, very relatable and beautifully described. I’m around the same point as him when he wrote it and so found myself in agreement with so much of his insight. Many thanks
It’s great that you found this useful. I really hope it helps you normalise your own responses and reactions. Thank goodness our worlds aren’t often turned completely upside down and shaken to the core. We often seem to meet parts of ourselves we didn’t know existed. Be kind with yourself. Your sense of safety and security has been rocked. Hope you land upright safely soon.
Joan Didion - yes, but also highly recommend John Roedel’s Upon Departure - the opening chapter about loosing his father (but relevant to any loss) was so moving.
Me too - complex and difficult subjects, but even partially understood it proves that this earthly existence is more complex than we can begin to understand. It does give you a strange hope!?
I really loved Levels of Life - a family member read an extract from it at my dad’s service and I read it in the week’s after he died. I’d like to read it again now. Even though my grief was around the loss of a parent, there are such relatable themes about the magnitude of loss.
Chimanada Ngozi Adichie’s Notes on Grief was interesting but resonated less.
I’m currently reading Death of an Ordinary Man by Sarah Perry which is so far so wonderful.
I had a read of the New Way to do Grief. I must admit I struggled with it - mainly because I don’t feel ready for that type of message yet. Is that how you felt the first time you read it? I’ll park it for now, but will mark it down as one to come back to.
I finished the Hofstadter book earlier today. It’s a dense read (I remember Godol, Escher, Bach being hard going too) but worth persevering with.
I remember when I was preparing what to say at Heather’s funeral that I really struggled to vocalise how I was feeling, until the image of being severed came to mind. That would kind of fit with his argument but, if I’m honest, I’m not sure I bought it. But, as you say, the different perspective it gives is worth considering, and I suspect I’ll be thinking about it a lot in the future too!
Thanks @Arti, it really does give me some hope. I’ve become a firm believer that we live in a cyclical universe (I know that’s not the prevailing wisdom) and honestly believe that means we will be together again (and almost certainly have been together before - which is why we both knew we were meant for one another). Now I just need to figure out a way to tell my future self to look out for the cancer symptoms so next time I can save her.
Thanks for the recommendations @AirstripCat , I will add them to my reading list.
I’m glad you enjoyed Levels of Life. I’ve been a fan of Julian Barnes for many years so had read it long before Heather died. I did consider reading some of it at the funeral but decided to speak my own words instead . I was particularly struck by the discussion he relates about grief hurting just as much as it should. I had true love, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that now she’s gone I have ‘true’ grief.
@BlueCanary Like yourself I came to the end and wasn’t entirely convinced, but time having passed and having been given more space to reflect I feel somehow that, at the very least, there’s some kernel of truth within it. For me it was so far out on the parameters of what I found comprehensible that it was difficult to apply any type of rational analysis, but over time the ‘generality’ of his message has often seemed to fit with reflections on my own experiences.
Another book I read around the same time and seemed to me to be an interesting companion piece was:
Wish I Was Here by M. John Harrison
Although not about grief I found it a very interesting read that somehow had many overlaps with Strange Loop but coming from the the author’s reflection on the malleability of memory and the effect this has on the creation of identity. Another one I’m still thinking about.
Thanks @Walan , I’ll add those to the reading list too.
Have you seen the film Life of Chuck? Similar idea to the Strange Loop, apparently based on a Walt Whitman poem.
, I will add them to my reading list