Just took a dih out to the kitchen put it in the sink, passed by Richards clear plastic container with his breakfast cereal still in it, and I tapped it as I went by telling him " your not eating your Weetabix Richard, it is still there…( yes it is not sinking in, it will forever be there…)
No - not sinking in with me either . But maybe it is good to talk to them like they are here - it is the sort of thing I say. Tell him I love him all the time - and then say - but you know that don’t you? Then I say stop worrying I will be OK as I know his first thought would always be of me.
Good morning Trisha, i know that statement will never be the good mornings we once had, we once shared…It seems very quiet on here this morning…Yes agree, it really is hard trying to fathom out, determine the facts from the fictions, the realities and so forth…I still like many of us still do refer to our partners our loved ones as " we " " us " …
I have just dropped my daughter at the station to go to Gatwick - normally I would have driven her there but cannot trust the car. It is very quiet with such an empty house - temptation is to call out I am back - she is fine- as I walk through the door. I feel bad today as it must have been a long day for him whilst I was out at work - but we did spend every minute together as soon as I was home and during my three day weekends.
I was invited to my daughter in law’s mother’s birthday meal tonight - but am not up to it yet (they are not actually married but have been together 9 years). I get on incredibly well with her - it was like we had known each other for ever the first time we met.
My friend has asked me round to dinner tonight - which I will probably do. She is my oldest friend - and she is missing him too. He always said he could make her laugh like no other - and we have known her almost as long as we knew each other. The four of us used to go out for a curry about every three to four weeks. Tonight will be hard - but I am always better in the evenings. In the meantime I will keep chatting to him during the day.
Let me know if you need a chat later xx
One of the most difficult things I find is having to make myself do things. It would be so easy to just sit and feel sorry for myself. I get invited out, but sometimes there will be too many people there and I just can’t take the condolences that will come. A few close friends is fine. People mean well but it all accentuates the fact that I’m on my own.
I find going out for coffee in the mornings helpful. I have been made so welcome in the café I go to since they knew about my wife. But that’s about as much company as I can take at the moment.
I also find it difficult to see older couples having coffee and chatting to each other. I feel like saying ‘be kind to each other and love one another, because you never know what will happen’. I so wish I had a ‘delete’ button on my memories. But do I? Perhaps it’s the memories that keep us going and the good times we had. I don’t know. All I do know is it’s still so hard. Blessings.
…I am glad to not have a delete button but the way i continually talk, talk and talk, I know I am probably driving my Richard mad…mind you, I am no different from my non stop talking than I am now…the only difference is, no one is paying any attention to it, nor even ignoring and blocking me out…
Yes I will continue talking to Richard, or talking to myself as others may see it…
Maybe today I am feeling a tad stronger in my mind-my brain, as for me, it is times like this when I feel people on my parkhome site maybe feeling a tad sorry-pitiful for me knowing I have no Richard, have no car available, have my MS illness, but you know what? This is what gives me strength to show these people that I will come out tops in the end, ok, I cant see any future as yet but, I am one of lifes survivors, i have been through some tough life in my past and I have gotten this far, and I know in my heart that because I am one of lifes survivors I will have the last laugh as my late father often would say…I am made from a tough breed, although I do have my weakness, I am a constant worrier, I worry over the future, whether it may or may not happen, but I also feel I am a realistic, and to be honest,a lot of my worries have come true…and that is the scariest of them all…
Oh yippee, whist I have been typing mail has dropped through my door, re, Solicitor who has sent me her so far bill, stating this will come out of Richards estate, well if the bill is this now, heaven knows what it will be come the end, I think most of Richards money will be gone to them…It doesn’t eve seem that the y have done anything so far, I will now have to email or send a copy onto the Age UK man who has kindly been authorised by me as a go between…Don’t these solicitors know when they are onto a good thing, they surely know how to make money from the bereaved…Richard would not be happy if he knew they were going to be eating up his money…
I meant to have added about the people who live on my parkhome site, no ones even comes near me apart from maybe a fortnightly pop in from one neighbour on his way back with his dogs…It must be common knowledge of my situation…As I mentioned above, these are the things that toughen me up…I will show them, I will come out stronger the other side, even if my road - or hill, will be up and down or rough, I will show them, I will walk with my head held up high…and if at a later date I do sell up and move, not sure where, I shall creep out…
Oh did I mention, my today solicitor letter is also informing me as from 1st June her hourly rate has increased from previous plus VAT to an extra £5 plus VAT per hour…Well not much I can do as we all need them dont we? a solicitor to deal with ours and our beloved partners affairs…Oh it will be such a relief when all this solicitor business is over, then it will be ME time, then I will sort myself out, as and when possible…It is going to be heartbreaking if, or as and when I sell up and move, for the first time in years I will be moving somewhere all by myself, no Richard will be coming with me, I shall not be going with Richard…I cant even say that I-we would be leaving good memories behind, we had only moved away, moved here 3 years ago, and our move, leaving behind our house was not something we had planned, rather than my out of the blue MS diagnoses changed everything…our life was back home, that is where my-our memories are, and will remain…
I am finding it hard today to make myself do things - normally I just get cracking but today it seems different. It is one of those really down days I guess and from reading others comments - the down days you just have to ride out.
I too look at couples - and think the same. We all know at the back of our minds that it there will always be one that is left - but we don’t think about it until it happens to us. The most we ever say is ‘if something happens’ I would not wish to find anyone else’. Well I think about it now and would not wish this on anyone. So many people you talk to have been through the same - but they just quietly get on with their lives and we do not know how much they have suffered. My daughter who is back at work says she finds the condolences hard - she just wants to get on with her work. She knows they mean well but finds it so upsetting. I think it is one of the reasons I have not yet gone back to work- it is facing the people not doing the work - though I am definitely a bit ditsy at the moment. I would not wish to bring down tonight’s birthday dinner - so will see them all soon on another occasion.
I have not been idle - but it has not been enough to occupy my mind today. I keep thinking I would prefer to be in the garden - but we have had a lot of showers here today amongst the sunshine.
I also probably will not relax until I hear that my daughter’s flight has safely landed. The overactive mind of a mother who worries. Normally Gary and I would keep talking to distract ourselves - he thought the sunshine shone out of both our children. He said children are for spoiling . He had not had a happy childhood and made sure that our two did. We may have been a small family (no parents left, and we were both only children) - but we were a perfect family unit. A quarter of which is now missing.
I am sorry - I am really rambling on today - please forgive me - but writing my thoughts down to someone else does help. I will finish with my tears and perhaps clean the living room windows… or maybe the showers will disappear.
We all have so many memories - and they are proof of what we had - but we would rather be sharing them and making more memories wouldn’t we?
I am definitely on a feel sorry for myself day - apologies. But thank you for ‘listening’ - your words are always a comfort.
Do you ever watch the tv programme " escape to the country…" well it is one programme I enjoy but it is so hard watching the young couple, especially the ones who are just starting out with their whole lives ahead of them, some already will have a young baby, or very young children… I so envy them, I so wish I could put back the clock and start all over again, but this time I would make a few changes, I would not be such a moaner, I would make every single day count, never waiting one single day…I know we can not put back the clock, I know we too were young once, I know we also had many good and enjoyable days with our chosen hubby-wife-partners but oh doesn’t it really hit us when we see young couples with their whole life ahead of them , young fit…Mind you it affects me just as much seeing retired couples looking to downsize, or just starting with their next chapter of life we a move so as to start afresh, maybe to be nearer to their children or their grands, oh to be one of them…I do though often shudder when I see older-retired couple looking to buy a house, I often think ok you might be fit and agile now but no one knows what the future holds, what if you cant take the stairs, or the steep concrete steps in the back garden, or what if you dont have a car anymore, you will be utterly isolated, it is fine looking for property when one is still fit, healthy and active isn’t it…Me and Richard done the same, we bought a 3 bedroom house…never had the sense of thinking of 10 years ahead…we too was fit and healthy when in our early-mid 50s…
Oh my goodness Trisha, no apologies needed. I love to hear from you. I suppose we all go on at times and coming here and unloading is so beneficial. You are so right. We look at others and may think ‘well it’s alright for them’, but we just don’t know do we? When people talk to me I try to put on a brave face, and I’m sure no one suspects I have such a loss. I don’t tell anyone only close friends about how I feel, or come on here where we all understand. Now this may sound a bit facetious in the circumstances, but have you heard of ‘Ploms disease’?. It’s ‘Poor Little Old Me’. I got that from psychiatric nurse. It’s OK, I wasn’t inside at the time!! He suggested that so many who can’t face life’s problems finish up with this so called ‘disease’. It’s very easy to catch and can be contagious. When you meet a sufferer you know. Everything is a downer. Nothing is right and never will be! ‘I’m just waiting to die’. The only treatment is to look onward and upward; to see that faint chink of light at the end of the dark forest, and know that all will be well. Never the same of course, but far better than we are now. That wonderful nun, Julian of Norwich in medieval times said ‘all is well, all manner of things are well’. This has been so misunderstood. We may not feel all is well, not by any means, but what she meant that whatever happens it is right at that time. This is so difficult if a young person dies. Even death, with all its anguish and fear, is still ‘well’ in the sense that it has its place in life. Everything has a lifespan, and even with so much suffering there is still beauty in so much around us. Mostly we can’t see it because we are in a bad place, and anything that may be good or beautiful just reminds us. But hope lives on. I believe that we will know the reason for it all one day when we too have a chance to see something better, and our loved ones again. Real love never dies; it’s as much a reality as time itself. So I have rambled on this time. Trisha, thank you so much for your input. It’s always good to talk to you. Blessings.
You are so spot on with what you say Jackie. So many people move and then find that it is unsuitable later on. Even us. Brian had owned this house for thirty-five years. I didn’t want to live here when we married as he had purchased the house with his previous wife. I wanted us to buy a bungalow but Brian wouldn’t move. When he became really ill he could hardly walk and not at all the last couple of weeks. We have two steps that go down to the toilets both upstairs and downstairs and he couldn’t do them. Who would have ever thought that a man that was a walker/cyclist/rock climber would find himself unable to negotiate two steps. My mother and step father moved also to Devon when they retired. Nice house, big garden but a long way off from things. My mother developed heart problems, my step father had to give up driving (mother couldn’t drive). They had moved from where they had family nearby to having no one and poor health. On the island it happens all the time. People come on holidays and then move here and find themselves on their own and no family and usually have to move back to mainland. We nearly moved abroad but thank goodness we didn’t, I couldn’t have coped with that as well on my own.
I tell people to tell their partners that they love them every day as you never know when they won’t be there to say it to.
Don’t mention solicitors to me. The one I had dealing with the probate (I did everything else myself) wrote to the bank, unknown to me, and requested that any money of Brian’s be sent to them. Fortunately except for two small accounts I had managed to get his account in our joint names the week before he died. I had no idea how much was in the two accounts and had no idea where they were. No sense from Bank. Eventually after five months I received a copy of the solicitors letter from the bank and was shocked that they had requested Brian’s money be sent to them. They never told me this. I made a complaint. They then said that the money covered their bill. Exactly to the last penny, what a co-incidence, it was fortunate they hadn’t got hold of the rest of his money otherwise the bill would probably have come to that amount. I didn’t argue it wasn’t a large amount but they won’t be doing any further work for me.
Jonathan, you and I have been on this journey the same length of time and I am relieved to see that we are alike in our approach as I too can’t manage mixing with a lot of people. I don’t crave company but can happily chat to dog walkers or people on the allotment who stop and have a chat. I couldn’t join clubs or mix in groups as yet, but more than happy out walking or working on our allotments.
I don’t mind my memories if I could enjoy them and not end up in tears. How long is this going to carry on I am beginning to ask myself. I wouldn’t mind a delete button to switch off my miserable, brooding moments. They come from nowhere and I’m a bit fed up with them now. Yes, agree it is still so hard. I popped up to town this afternoon and found myself crying on the bus. What brought that on, I have no idea.
You take care. Pat xxxx
You are definitely not rambling and entitled to a ‘feel sorry for myself day’. This forum is for us all to be able to ‘talk’ things through and it does help. Most people don;t want to listen to us by now, but on this forum we do because we all understand. I said yesterday that I had managed to look back on one of my old messages and could hardly believe it came from me. I take some comfort that I am slowly changing my views and I enjoy reading about the feelings of other members.
You are doing so well as is Jackie. So new in your grief but showing such courage.
When you go back to work you could say to all your colleagues right from the start. that you appreciate their kind thoughts/words but you just want to get on with your job and hope that they will bear with you as you cope the best way you can.
Take care Pat xxx
Yes I like that programme too - and find it very entertaining although a little sad at the moment. But agree the retired couples need to think ahead. I know from experience having grown up in the country - how hard my mother found it when she could no longer drive or tend her garden or walk far. So I thought we had learnt from that and were planning a downstairs bathroom and an extension so when Gary’s mobility became worse or mine - then we had future proofed the house so we can stay as long as we want to. I have put that on hold obviously - as if it is just me (Hannah will probably have left ) then I would consider moving to a retirement appartment. Not for a while but in a few years. But then again may be not ! Who knows I am certainly not of clear mind at the moment.
Oops-got interrupted - just heard a massive crash - have searched the house from top to bottom and after ages at last found a copper warming pan had fallen off the wall. In the meantime cat sat on my laptop - and it has taken me an age to delete what his bottom typed. Well that at least made me smile - little devil - no laptop is safe.
Sometimes it is hard to remember all the details of our young days - but photos help. Cannot believe how young we were. I don’t think I would do it any differently. I remember someone asking a lady I worked with who was celebrating her 30th wedding anniversary if she would do it all again and she said no. I was so shocked I thought she was really happy. Just goes to show doesn’t it. We would all change some things in hindsight - but that is not life - life we have to take as it comes and do the best we can with it at the time. It is rarely something we have a choice in.
I like all the ‘house programmes’ as Gary called them - DIY sos (some of those stories are heart wrenching) - Big House, Little House, Homes under the Hammer - all of them need little concentration so are easy to watch.
… I know most of us are fully aware that the dealings of wills with solicitors must run their course…not so easy when such a distance between us and their office but I am managing in other ways of which I give thanks for…I will just be glad when this part is all over with, just adds more stress to our already stress…
Yes that was the one thig that Richard had said to me,was, he would be alright here as long as he has his car…one so needs a car, it really is very isolated here…
Oh yes my dog life…The people I met to have a brief chat with, ebven if they were pottering around in their front garden or working inside their garage with the garage door open, all would give me the time of day…and I would come home telling Richard of all the people I had stopped and spoken with, he knew these people too…The walk I often took was around the sides of the farm, the road end, then through a road of more expensive than ours houses…I would do a round circle across the main road and home again…
Oh my mind is so up and down…I truly feel as if my life has gone backwards, back to the day when I was single and alone looking after myself, the bills, the flat, still going out working…only retired from work nowadays…So much for retirement, we work hard all through our lives then retire, if we are blessed to have reached retirement age, we should be enjoying our retirement years…not by ourselves, but with the person we have lived with for the past x amount of years…
You made me laugh. I imagined the cat’s bum typing. Bugsy sits on the TV control and I wonder what I am watching as the programmes change. Afraid I can’t stand the house programmes. Think some of the people viewing are rude about peoples houses. Every room seems to have to be painted in magnolia, no colours. All the viewers say the same thing, like, ‘having a gin and tonic on the patio’ or a glass of wine’ and all the rooms are ’ light and airy’. Half the rooms have no furniture in them, where do they put the surplus stuff. and with half a million to spend and they can’t find anything they like. I could manage alright if I had the money. Afraid I don’t find them easy as I find so much fault, I don’t shut up moaning about them so never watch now. I like films but just lately have been watching films where someone died and a woman trying to get over the death of her husband. What a film to watch in a frail state of mind. Not a sensible thing to do.
With hindsight what would I change. Would I have ever married if I had visualised such pain. Might have stayed a spinster and become the mad animal lady with at least 10 rescue dogs…
You take care Pat xxx
My daughter says she will end up the mad cat woman at the end of the road ( at the grand old age of 24 no one has come any where near her high expectations. Mind you she said none of them could make her laugh like her dad - now that is something they will have to live up to).
I don’t seem to have the concentration for films at the moment - or books - have not picked one up since I lost Gary and usually I am an avid reader. I just watch programmes that I can dip in and out of - like reading a magazine at the hairdressers. Agree you are watching the wrong kind of films at the moment.
You take care too xxx
…agree with you about the " sitting having a gin and tonic " yes so many say this, that would be the last thing I would say or do, sit outside with a cup of tea would be more my style but, I like watching this programme if only for looking and choosing the home I would like for myself or trying to pick out the one the people-couples I think will go for, then get shocked when they pick the home that I think is not suitable for them…It also makes me laugh when they mention the furniture, well they are not buying the furniture are they? only buying the property…I also cringe when they talk about how they will alter the kitchen, when the kitchen looks fine to me…
Pat, do please check your message box…
Well I have done really well today - just a few tears this morning - which is a lot better than yesterday.
I saw a friend yesterday evening - and was dreading coming in to an empty house when she dropped me off. But I left the radio on LBC in the kitchen when I went out and just the sound of voices helped. Then I had to persuade the cat to take his medicine which was another distraction. He seems fine - but I dont think he is 100 percent but we are back at the vets tomorrow anyway. He woke me up at 5 am for a fuss (not unusual but he walks up you starting at your feet and he is a big cat so it feels like he is wearing stiletto heels… the purr rumbles too ) .
It is a better day here today - so am off to the garden centre to buy some potting compost and some plants for my front porch.
Crossword and toast first though and hoping for a better day for us all.
As I have just posted to Pattidot - I have only had a few tears this morning - so much better than yesterday. I woke up this morning and did not get up straight away - instead put some gardening programmes on the TV (I really cannot remember any of the plants names when I get to the garden centre ) and pretended Gary was sleeping in the spare room - where he was banished if he was snoring. It worked for a little while and I could almost believe he was there.
My daughter arrived safely and apparently the hotel is lovely - and so all is well there. I hope she has a lovely time - she is so good and caring and she really deserves it.
My lovely son calls me at least four times a day too to make sure I am OK - so I am going food shopping and cooking for him and his girlfriend later. I know so many on here do not have what I do - and for that I am truly grateful. They miss their father dreadfully - but he would be so proud of them.
Then I am going to keep really busy today - going to the garden centre and going to do some pots for the front garden. Positivity is going to be my motto - well at least today. I do know what your mean by PLOMS - I have never been like that and I know at the moment it is hard - but I also know that so many others are so much worse off than I and for that despite the hurt, I am grateful.
I was lucky - I had him for 40 years. We only married 4 years ago though - we were always so happy I said to him lets not risk changing it. But he had asked me every year. It was the funniest day as we could not take it seriously - the children were our only witnesses and I went back to work afterwards. Did not change my name - said I would not remember the date - and the only concession was that I would wear his wedding ring. My daughter has a photo of us signing the register and it is the most beautiful photo - we are not young obviously but the way he is looking at me he obviously loved me so much (as if I did not know). That photo despite bringing me to tears is lovely and I know that I was truly loved nearly all my adult life - how lucky was I?
Tomorrow will probably be different - but today I hope is one I can manage without too many tears. The sun is shining and even though the lawn needs mowing the garden looks lovely and there are lots of birds out there. Gary loved the birds and used to get so cross when the squirrel used to eat all the seeds. He tried all sorts of contraptions to keep the seed feed away - but the squirrel always outwitted him.
I hope your day is a peaceful one and that something makes you smile today.