Really can’t cope

Hi everyone, My husband of 30yrs passed away on 15th, May 2020. I can’t describe the pain I feel. He was my best friend and we did everything together. He was diagnosed with bowel cancer 15 yrs ago, and has been battling it ever since. He has endured so much pain, major operations. He never complained or felt sorry for himself. But sadly passed away at home after a very sudden deterioration. Four weeks ago he was in the garden, digging, now he has gone. I just can’t believe he has gone and pain is unreal. I cannot go on without him. It has always been “us”. I don’t know what to do, I feel afraid and lonely and can’t see a future on my own.
We have three sons who are suffering to, and only recently had our first grandchild. We have all been robbed of the kindest caring person I will ever meet.
Going to bed alone, waking up alone, not being able to hold is hand, kiss him goodnight is just indescribable. How can I go on?

Hi. Fleur. Welcome. ‘How can I go on’? You can. Everyone here knows those first moments of fear, pain and dread. It’s so early to begin to think about anything other than getting past each day. if I tell you it will ease you may not believe me. The present pain is too great for you to see any way out. You have family support and that is so important. Grieving alone is not good. But so many have to because, even though they may have family, it’s not always possible to share grief. The first few weeks or months can be very hard. There is a light, way in the distance that may get brighter for you as time passes. Allow emotions to come. Grief is a natural process that we need to go along with and not resist. Nature would have it that way. You have come to the right place for help and support and you will find it among the lovely folk on here.
Take it day at a time. Try not to look to far ahead. Allow things to happen in their own time. Be kind to yourself and to others who mourn with you.
Blessings and take care. John.

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Dear Fleur1,
So sorry that your husband passed away. This first week on your own you must have been overwhelmed by so many feelings and it is only to be expected that you are struggling to cope. It is good that you have posted something on this site. You may have read some of the posts from others who have lost their husband, either recently or some time ago, and who describe the same sort of feelings and how they are trying to cope with it. I hope and trust that you will get many replies from some of them and that it will help you. There are no easy answers. Grief is like a journey and you can only take one step at a time. It is good that you have 3 sons, they will probably do all they can to help you with practical issues. The current lockdown makes it harder to get the support that you so need in those first few weeks, but remember they are only a phone call away. And you can post on this site as often as you want to, there will always be people who will offer you support. Don’t think too far ahead, just get though one day at a time. Your husband will forever be with you, in your heart and in your memories. You will find the inner strength you need. Sending you a big hug.
Jo64

Hi my husband died of bowel cancer all very quick was diagnosed within a week bowel ruptured and given days to live he went 3 days. We had been together 36 years December had colonoscopys never picked it up so very hard. Sorry for you loss. X

Hi Fleur1,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.

I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. Please be aware that GPs and support services are not currently offering face-to-face appointments, but will usually be offering telephone or online alternatives.

You deserve care and support so please, Fleur1, get in touch with one of these services.

Take care,
Michelle.
Online Community Team

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