Been up since 4am, really down at the moment…all I know is my future is going to change…it now has to change whether I want it to or not…My parkhome estate onsite manager mowed my lawn again but this time done it by himself which meant not raking up the grass, so it was left and is now all over my decking, I have been out brooming-trying to sweep it up, although I cant move my safety matting which we bought so I dont slip, nor is there anything to grip on for safety in the centre,and the grass was all stuck between the decking grooves, it is quite deep underneath and rabbits are underneath along with ten previous years of built up rubbish, I was outside crying my eyes out of wishing I was back home in our old house, our happier home, I am hating it here…I am also crying as I know my future has to change whether I like it or not, I cant stay here, so isolated so this morning I have been filling in a housing form online, this form was never ending, they will be asking for various proofs eventually, I have no idea what I am doing, I dont know if I am making myself more problems, what I am getting myself into…I just want Richard back with me, I want our old life back…I really dont know if I can continue, even if I want to move on, move onto what? it be turn out to be a better life but, it is not a better life I am looking for, it is my Richard life I am forever wanting and needing back so bad…I just cant believe Richard has gone from my life, 20 years have just ended in a matter of seconds, minutes…I dont know if this is all worth it why am I even bothering…
Ok so the will will get sorted eventually, I may move and leave this place behind eventually, so what does that mean, will I find Richard at the end there waiting for me and giving me a pat on the back or a kiss saying " well done Jackie, I knew you would-could do it…" Here I am Jackie, I have been patiently waiting for you, what kept you? "…I dont think so…
Hi Jackie
Hang on in there life will get better. Time is a great healer. Take time to rest. Be kind to yourself and eat, exercise and know life will go on and is worth living as best as you can. Stay hopeful. God Bless MC
Oh Jackie. My goodness. I am so so sorry you are so low. You are a lovely lady going through a bad time. I doubt any of us can say anything to relieve the pain. Words are totally inadequate. Time, yes indeed, but how slowly it seems to pass. I read your posts and I feel for you. It’s hard enough in normal circumstances without being unable to get around. My heart goes out to you and I, like many others here, can only stand by and help as best we can. I am sure posting on here does help, if only a bit. Bless you and may you be kept safe.
Jonathan…
…thank you for your post…Yes on one hand I have been fighting against the negative and the positive…At times i can see no light in my future then on the other hand I know so well how life can change in the blink of an eye, not always in a bad way but can be a better or good way…I just dont know at this precise time which way it will go…Life at the moment is so very lonely ad frightening…I had always had Richard, he was my rock…I miss him so much, he will never now know how much I do-did really love him, we spent so many and wasted days bickering, or me complaining about this and that over trivial things…we cant bring those days back to change them, I so wish we could, as the bickering was all pointless and meaningless anyway…If anything, this has taught me a harsh lesson never to to this again, life really is too short and precious…
Hello Jackie
I know what you mean about the bickering, I feel similar as in, I should have afforded my lovely husband more time and attention and I didn’t, and I can’t rectify that now and that’s hard.
I’d like to tell you not to feel bad about the bickering, it’s a sign of a good, comfortable and enduring relationship… The thing is though it’s impossible to tell another how to think, or feel isn’t it. We can always advise people how to act or behave but emotions are something else aren’t they. Stubborn little things at times, emotions.
I’ll read some of your other posts and drop you a line or two next time I visit the forum. I have not slept yet tonight, my Mum is at end of life I fear, and my mind won’t stop chattering away. I always thought my Husband would be here to comfort me when the worst happened with my Mum. I’d spend time with Mum as I felt she was so frail and the unthinkable happened to my Husband whilst my focus was diverted. I thought I’d have all the time in the world to spend with my Husband but no, it didn’t happen that way. As sadly you know too, we can’t see a poorly heart struggling on can we. Thinking of you Jackie and hope you have some much deserved respite from the grief for a little bit. x
it is VERY hard to carry on, after a significant loss. emotionally, as well as all of the domestics. and those domestics can be overwhelming for women on their own, and men as well. I would suggest to do any job just good enough. because one who is grieving has enough pressure on them, anyway. or get a little help, if affordable because a nice surrounding is important for mental health. but altogether, ease up, way up, on yourself. life is hard. we should not make it harder.
Tina…
…yes for both of us it was there heart that failed, took away their life, ended our life too…Now it is our heart which is broken…I now cry so many time each and every day…
Hi Jackie, please be brave, a funny thing to say! I lost my darling wife just before Christmas after 54 years married and knowing her for 57 years altogether. I too, like yourself, feel that without her life is unbearable and what will I do in the future. Heartbroken every day, seeing and touching her personal belongings, photographs and many many more reminders around the home. People say time is a great healer, but we know that our hearts are at breaking point and how long is time.
I have had thoughts about seeing her again in a different life, like yourself, but I have my family around and my first thoughts are about them which helps me tremendously.the loss of a mother, grandmother has been heart wrenching for them and a loss of a father, grandfather, one cannot imagine what that would put them through. Please remember the good times and perhaps the bad times the future is a long way ahead but it will come and hopefully for us both and bring us happiness again. Not the same happiness but a warm happiness to bring us back to some form of normality. Bless you David
To David 78
Sorry to hear about wife . Just keep going and it will get better .You will have up and down days .Accept all the love you can and be thankful for it . Grieving is part of life and we cannot avoid . All these things are helpful to me as well as I have been widowed for the second time .
David…
…is it bravery or strength that we need in our time of grief to carry on?..I certainly dont feel brave but, where my strength is coming from, only our- my God knows the answer to that one…
David I am so sorry to hear you lost your darling wife just leading up to Christmas…