Really struggling, lost 9 year old son - how long last?

Losing a child
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My son died of sepsis from a burst appendix a few weeks ago. They missed the burst appendix when I took him so they sent us home and it infected him and he died.

He was so happy, intelligent, fun, funny, cuddly, healthy. He was so perfect (as any child is to their parent). He was my mini me and part of me. I used to teach him things, do father son things, he was my buddy and I loved him so, so much.

So I really can’t process this it makes no sense. I’m crying often, I can’t look at photos without crying, I am in disbelief it happened to him, it really shouldn’t have happened if they picked up the appendix issue. It’s unreal.

I know everyone says you never get over it but surely there’ll come a point I can see photos without crying, stop crying through the day, start to function again e.g. work (I’m self employed and heed to work).

How long did you other parents sadly in this situation take to stop crying all day every day and get back to work?? I can’t go on like this for longer.

For info I have 2 other older kids and my wife. My wife is the same as me. My other kids are coping very well. We only function in order to look after them, it’s very hard.

Thank you

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Hello @dylansdad,

I’m so sorry to hear about your son. It sounds as though things are very difficult at the moment.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.

Another good place to get support is Child Bereavement UK. They offer support for families with the loss of a child, which you might find helpful.

Take care - keep reaching out,

Alex

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Dear Dylansdad, I am so sorry you have lost your precious boy. It is very hard … I lost my daughter 4 years ago. It is very early days for you and I am sure you are still suffering from shock. The first few weeks are the worst … I felt as though I was going mad at times but I think that is quite normal.
I don’t know if I can help but from my experience, don’t push yourself … it is baby steps all the way. Be kind to yourself and gradually your life will become easier.
I found that gradually a kind of peace descended around me and that really helped me.
You are still Dylan’s daddy and that will never change … you can keep him tucked away in your heart. I used to talk to my daughter (her name is Gemma), which is something that my GP recommended and that helped me. Four years on I do still talk to her.
Finally try and keep posting here as we have all gone through very similar experiences. Everyone is so kind and understanding and I really believe they have pulled me through.
Take care and sending you a big hug xxx

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Thank you. At the moment I cry when I see photos or remember things. I just tried talking to him but I can’t I cry. Perhaps it’s too early. I have spoken to him a few times but it’s only to say I’m sorry, sorry I could not save him and he died.

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I find it hard to look at photos of Gemma, even now, but others find comfort in having photos around. Be kind to yourself. None of us ever imagined being a bereaved parent and we do the best we can. This is the worst time I promise you. x

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Hi Dylansdad

I feel your pain and feel so so sorry for the loss of your fun bubbly little boy.
I lost my 15 year old son in 2020 it was sudden as well and the loss is immeasurable.
I do see the grief and pain as love with nowhere to go. I, like you, loved my son Elliott so so much and was in disbelief that this had happened. In the early days I cried pretty much from brushing my teeth to having a shower, eating, walking, driving listening to music to going to bed where i tried to sleep. As time has passed the crying lessoned and there were increasing periods where I was able to maybe think of something other than Elliott.
Every one is different but for me I strived and still do strive to make him proud. To be kind, to myself and take comfort in being kind to others, my older son and his friends especially so young and in shock themselves. I did allow myself to cry its so so sad so yes crying is natural. I did try to allow myself to do other things that that was okay too, sometimes to laugh and I had to remind myself that this is okay.
I returned to work after 4 months. It was hard but helpful too as the mind was when working not thinking about the loss it was distracted. I found longer periods of coping and I promise it gets easier and less overwhelming. I carry the grief daily and do not know if im doing okay but i keep going and keep trying to do okay.
I sincerely wish you and your family well as you come to live with your greif and hope that you feel loved and hugged. Keep going
Best wishes Lynne xx

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Hi Dylansdad
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can relate and understand exactly how your feeling and the pain. We lost our 7 year old daughter in March she was 8 days off her 8th birthday. She was at school the day before the next day gone. Words cannot describe how utterly devastated me and her dad are we don’t as yet have any answers and everyday I wake up and ask myself why this has happened why my beautiful most precious girl. It’s 10 weeks since we lost her I read your post and needed to message to say I fully understand not that I myself can offer any words of comfort at the moment.

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Hi moana im deeply sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter this life is very cruel .i to have lost a son 24 he had sarcoma he died for months after diagnosis .always remember shes in your heart pocket .always talk to her baby steps on this awful journey big hugs :heart:

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Hi Dylan’s Dad and Mum - I agree with what others say, the first few months are indescribably awful and heart wrenching. Nothing makes any sense and for many people it’s trauma on top of grief and pain and yearning. My girl died 18 months ago and life is never the same as it was but very slowly, slowly things do improve. However you grieve is the right way for you. You don’t have to ‘pull yourself together’ as some people may tell you. There’s no quick answer but, over time, you can learn to smile again and even remember them without being overwhelmed. Victoria referred to it and it’s so true, you learn to keep them in your hearts pocket. For now tho it’s very early days and if you can just keep on keeping on, day by day and sometimes minute by minute, you are coping. You will get support here from other parents who ‘get it’ and you get to see other people’s journey and we all care for each other. One of the things that helped and still help me is Compassionate Friends, all parents like us. I send you and your family all the best and you will get support and Nader standing here. Xxxx

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Hi Zoe9
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. I think about my daughter all day long I feel like a broken record like I’m on repeat I just can’t believe she is really gone it hits me hard every day I can’t believe this is now my life but I will carry her with me forever I just wish I had a Time Machine and could turn back time for all of us parents that have lost our beautiful children x

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Hi moana such early days for you the pain the shock pure tauma this is the worse thing ever .your allowed to be anything you want to be angry sad just come on and rant always someone to talk to .had your daughter been poorly xx

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Hi zoe9
She was absolutely fine and at school the day before we lost her. She came home from school with a tummy bug and sickness the next day she left us. It happened so quickly and now we have the added agony of waiting to find out how she died I don’t think I will ever get my head around it she was such a caring beautiful little girl and now I’m empty inside x

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So sorry for the loss I know what its like its horrible.

There is nothing I can say to help I don’t think other than describing my own situation as it has got a bit better… but everyone is different.

It’s been almost 6 months for me now. In the early days I thought some therapist/counsellor would be able to help me cope with the torment, but after speaking to several of them I have come to the conclusion there is no help, all they do is listen or tell me the obvious, and no one could help me cope with the pain. Everyone says you have to go through it. It’s horrible.

Almost 6 months in my feelings have changed. I used to be what I call in despair in the beginning and crying all the time. Now its moved to more depression and anxiety. I am depressed all the time and the anxiety is horrible, worse than depression, its constantly a strain on my chest causing fast and pounding heart beats, and deep breaths/sighs all the time. I am on medication for depression and anxiety but dont know if it works much as I still get a lot of anxiety.

I do think the days are easier to cope with now, especially if I dont have such bad depression. I don’t cry every day now. I cry a lot less and just get depressed thinking about him. Although I struggle to get up in the morning due to depression and I struggle to work a full day (I am self employed working from home). And I have no interests anymore. I used to always do stuff around the house or go cycling. I dont want to do anything now, I want to do nothing and close my eyes in thought.

I am trying to do a lot of meditation (I never used to) and trying to be more spiritual (I never was) as I want to believe he is somewhere and is happy. Meditation helps. I just lie down with ear plugs and eye mask and totally relax my body still and have lain like it for ages. I think it helps me think I am not in the real world, like an escape from it. I think its why I find it hard to get up in the morning, I don’t want to be in this reality.

I go to the pub every Friday and Saturday just for a couple of hours before it gets busy. That helps me, I see and talk to people I know. Sometimes we talk about what happened to Dylan, sometimes stuff nothing to do with Dylan.

We have come away for a few days with my other two kids as we need to make sure they are still taken care of. I have not had anxiety here perhaps due to the different setting.

I still have disbelief this happened. In my case the A&E have messed up big time. We have a report from them of what happened and they just messed up, real bad processes. We still have a lot of unanswered questions and I think it will go on for ages. So the disbelief for me is just how on earth this could have happened, and to us and him. He was healthy and happy and there was no reason for anything like this to happen, A&E should have better processes. So I just can’t believe it and keep wondering how I can get him back or change the past or at least visit in spiritually (some people online claim they do it!).

So I just get on with life, miserable, and just hope I will get better, and somehow get back to the person I was before. But i think it will take a long time, and never get back to who I was. I dont know though, and the dont know what the future will bring adds to the depression.

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To Dylansdad
Thank you for sharing how you are feeling with me after 6 months it’s so hard to get you head around. It’s been 3 months since we lost our precious daughter and I can’t believe this happened to her or us and don’t think I will ever be able to believe it, I know it’s happened but I just can’t comprehend how or why? I just have endless questions running around in my head all day long.

I totally understand where your coming from on the spirituality side I wouldn’t call myself spiritual but since this has happened I need to believe that there is more out there after we depart the world otherwise what is the point of life. I need to believe I will see my daughter s beautiful face again.

I just float around all day long I don’t want to be at home but don’t want to be at work I want to be by myself but not by myself I just don’t know where I belong now my girl is gone I’m lonely without her and miss her so much.
Sending love to you and your family

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I lost my daughter 5 years ago when she was 42 years old. I felt as though my world had ended and really did not think that I would survive it, I missed her so much.
My GP said to me ‘this will change you and you will be a different person’. She was right … I am not the same person I was before, I feel as though I live my life with an undercurrent of sadness. I have always been a spiritual kind of person and feel that this has deepened and I can now find some happiness in life. I live for my other 2 children and my grandchildren and they are worth living for.
I guess what I am trying to say is that after such heartbreaking, soul-destroying loss, we can still live a meaningful life xxx

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