Really struggling

I just don’t know how to cope. I have really good times but sometimes it really hits me that my husband is not coming back

Hi Gran,

I’m part of the online community team here and I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry for your loss.

Grief can definitely hit you in waves like you say, and it sounds like things are really tough for you right now. I’m glad you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here.

You might want to read or join in with this conversation:

Tracey71, AquariusA and fleurandme have also sadly lost their husbands. Sometimes it can really help to exchange messages with others who understand.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

Take care,


Hi Gran my name is karen and I lost my husband in February initially because of the shock it as I have continually said almost cushions you its the adapting, “the reality if you like” at this stage I can’t imagine not feeling sad when your whole life is wrapped around someone you feel so alone so vunerable and so adrift. When my husband first died I made such a strange gutteral sound when I cried somewhere deep inside of me sort of opened up and I remember thinking I had never heard that sound from myself before and than I realised it came from deep inside my heart because it was broken. We are never prepared for becoming a widow, death, up until I became one I thought it was something that happened to other people. We are conditioned as a society to get married and live happily ever after there is no manual for what comes next and that is part of the problem our problem because what do we do without them how do we move on what will become of us I can’t unfortunately provide answers as I’m still in the early stages and I guess the old adage time will tell is appropriate here. I’m having counselling and my counsellor is putting together a group session as a ongoing therapy dependent on how many people turn up which I think is helpful as unless you have experienced a loss you can’t really understand what we are going through and I think it’s important to talk about your feelings and it’s important also to be around people at different stages of grief hopefully so that everybody can spur each other on and support each other. I don’t know many details about your situation but it is a comfort to share your feelings and it’s safe to do so on here so I urge you to share as I always say you are not alone we all understand because we are all in the same position remember you are honouring your husband by your grief and it is the last thing you will ever do for him it is testimony to the love you shared and your life together message me anytime for whatever you need to express I am learning a lot about myself through sharing and do find it very cathartic. xx

i lost my husband of 48 years in December last year, we had been together since we we 15/16 years old. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer nine years ago. He had chemo which seemed to keep the cancer at bay, then he radiotherapy for 7 weeks.(we were told that you can never say that you can be cured of prostate cancer). Five years ago they told us he had it in his spine. He had several doses of remedial radiotherapy and that seem to be working it kept the pain at ease. Then last July it was found to be in his liver. He had 3 doses of chemo then the blood tests came back that something wasn’t right with it. He was taken into hospital on November 25th in a lot of pain and we were told by his specialist that nothing more could be done for him, that he had weeks or months left.We were told to see our GP for end of life care. District nurses came and everything was put into place to make his life as comfortable and pain free as possible. The care was amazing an for the next three weeks the nurses made sure he was comfortable as possible. The whole family were able to say goodbye and that part was wonderful but I don’t think even then that you belief that he was going to die.
He and I had talked about him dieting but I don’t think you can ever imagine it is going to happen. He died on the 10th of December.
For those first few months you are in such a blur and it doesn’t seem real. I spent the first three or four months walking around in a daze. When I wasn’t crying I just didn’t know what to do with myself. If I didn’t have 2 very special dogs I wouldn’t have got out of bed. As time has gone by it hits you in a totally difficult way because now it is becoming real that he is never coming back which I find harder than before knowing that this is my life now and I have to really have to accept that he is never coming back.

Hi Gran thank you for sharing your story it seems like you have a really stressful time during the last nine years you must be completely exhausted. I also think you were in such an difficult situation it gave you a purpose caring for your husband and now having lost him you feel doubly adrift if that makes sense. I am trying so hard to be positive but like you I can’t stop missing my man and the impact he had on my life of course we weren’t together as long as you only 19 years but still I loved him and our life and now the future looks bleak without him. My husband told me within 4 days of meeting me he was in love with me I laughed at the time and remarked how can you be in love with me you barely know me but he was adamant and he reiterated it throughout our life together so he had a very open heart and it’s only now when I think about him I realise he was so much more than I thought he was, he loved me unconditionally and I suppose that’s all you can really ask for in this life you and I were lucky I know that sounds somewhat ridiculous given our situation but we found someone to love us and some people never experience that of course the downside is the pain we feel now and the the paralysing loneliness but the saying better to have loved and lost than to never have loved is true I would never swap the years I had with my husband even the difficult times for anything he taught me a lot about myself and more importantly he taught me about love which I am forever grateful. I think that it will take a long time for both of us to come to terms with our loss and to adjust to our circumstances but I am hopeful that we both find the strength to carry on xx

Hi Aquarius thank you for your response it is nice ( if nice is the right word) to hear from someone in the same situation. Loads of well intention people have told me it will be hard but it seems to be getting harder by the day. I have the most wonderful family who are all grieving the loss of their dad and have been very supportive but I don’t even want to get up some mornings at the moment. I just feel empty despite every thing. I know I have to deal with it and try to change my life but I don’t feel at the moment I can

Hey remember baby steps it’s a big adjustment probably the hardest thing you will ever have to go through if you want to stay in bed be kind to yourself and do it who will it hurt your relationship with your husband was a deeper connection and so it was unique even from your childrens relationship with him so interwoven were your lives that it is a completely different dynamic that brings forth some profound sadness that can’t be avoided and unfortunately must be embraced. I went to see my husband in the chapel of rest and I just wanted to shake him and make him wake up I so desperately wanted him to stay with me ridiculous I know I even have a fantasy of some how reversing time but deep down I understand that it’s all part of the grieving process and that there is no right or wrong thing to do its basically whatever gets you through this devastating process. xx

I know exactly what you mean about reversing the process. I dream that he will walk through the door and everything will be back to normal. I too know it’s never going to happen but it doesn’t stop me thinking. I also went and saw him in the chapel of rest and I thought he looked just like he was asleep. It really is nice to know someone knows how I feel it doesn’t make me feel so alone. The worse time for me is bedtime alone. I say goodnight to him and it really hits me then. I do know that I will slowly come to terms with it but it is so hard

I know that’s a thing I struggle with intense loneliness my circle of friends is only a few we had what I call couple friends but I can’t bear to be around them as it reminds me of what I have lost so I spend quite a lot of time alone which I prefer in some ways as it gives me a time of quiet reflection but I feel intense loneliness for my husband and feel almost quite panicky and restless when the tears come they come I prefer to do my grieving alone and often feel him around me calming me which helps but it’s no substitute for his physical presence. I try to focus on the present as the future is not set in stone and to scary to contemplate and the past makes me emotional I think our minds our in some ways are darkest enemies as we think of things we should have done and said in the past when in reality if they were still alive we would have remained and responded the same. When I get in our bed it feels so huge and empty my house feels like a football stadium he had such a huge personality where ever I look I am reminded of him I am in the process of de cluttering the house and disposing of his things which is so painful I thought that after the funeral the blows would stop coming but they don’t it’s just they don’t come as much but they are still extremely painful I guess the pain will continue until we come to some sort of acceptance xx

I am so so lucky I have the most fantastic kids who al live locally and who ring or visit most day. I also have one of my grandsons who came to live with me so I wasn’t on my own. I can’t bear the thought of being alone, my grandson seems to know when to talk or not to. I know what you mean about feeling that he is all around but missing the physical presence of him. My husband was the life and soul of the party and I was quite happy to let him be and I sat back and enjoyed him entertaining everyone but now I have to do the talking and it doesn’t come easy. I was invited to a friend of my daughter and son in laws who I knew as well bbq but I was terrified because since Keith died I haven’t been with so many people socially. Sadly it was called off but I was pleased because I am not ready to be around too many people. I know it will happen but I don’t want to go too far on my own. I think this first year is I believe the worse with all the firsts but I cannot imagine it getting much worse than it is now.