Rebuilding a social life/dating

Looking to the future
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Spent the last couple years caring for both parents during their illnesses, my Mum passed then it was straight onto my Dad’s palliative care. Then he passed, and now my partner has a terminal illness. So with so much going on, I had little time for a social life, aside from my partner when he was healthy (same neighbourhood).

Even now its limited, as I still feel I’m “on call”. I’m one of his primary carers, alongside his two kids.

But …. after he goes …. I’m panicking a little. There already is a huge void with both parents gone, and there will be another one when partner goes. It’s important to have a regular social network.

I catch up with friends but its not often, due to work or relationship commitments, or carers for aging parents, or also bereaved, or generally broken. Others live in entirely different countries!

Went to a friend’s birthday, got hammered on drinks after such a looong time, talked a whole load of drunken gobbledegook, and now I feel utter cringe! :woman_facepalming:

So clearly my social skills are rusty, clumsy, offkey as well (even though my friend was grateful for me turning up).

As for dating, after I’ve gone through the grieving process and am less vulnerable, at some point in the long distant future, I will want to get back out there.

But, I’m not sure men would even want me now. Losing a first partner is a tragedy, losing a second one would look like I’m cursed. Sounds weird I know.

How successful have any of you been in terms of rebuilding a social life after grief? Or dating? Any tips?

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Can I just say, age, social skills and circumstances mean nothing,my partner who I love lost two husbands to heart attacks and it has never phased me,to say both our dating skills were rusty is grossly understated and yet here we are,an open mind and an open heart is paramount, the best of luck to you.

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Hi Plutorising from what I understand you have nothing to worry about, someone who has as big a heart as you doesn’t have to worry about what others think. They are the ones who will count themselves lucky to find someone like you. Not everyone would have put their parents and loved ones Infront of the themselves. I’m sure your big heart will capture someone when you decide it’s time to allow them in.
Best wishes for your future
Tom⁸

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We all seem to worry about everything. If I have nothing to worry about my brain seems to search for something.

I think like you I have spent so much time looking after others (both my parents too) that I have lost all my confidence.

Now Stephens gone I know I have to push myself to make new friends or rebuild old ones. I’ve started and so far it’s going well.

A new partner is a different matter, I’m not sure that will ever happen for me. I think you’ll find someone when it’s right for you x

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I have lost two husbands, both had sudden cardiac arrests. I was 48 and 68 respectively. And I felt cursed for a while. I also had and still have other issues. My youngest daughter has severe special needs and I lost five close family members within 2 years and my best friend not long after.
Cursed indeed?
Not at all.
I had the privilege of being loved by two good men. My parents and sisters were the best. I don’t suffer empty nest syndrome, I still have a child who needs me and wants a cuddle at bed-time. Her brother supports and loves us. My best friend became the sister I lost, we got each other through the darkest days. Gone now, but sadly missed, just like the others.
Now I have another partner, also widowed. And we are happy, more than that, we are grateful. No guilt. We both made and kept vows to previous spouses - until death.
Life is too short to waste. There is nothing to be gained from sobbing for the rest of it, not for me, anyway.
As for tips or hints. I have none other than allowing yourself to be happy, in whatever way suits you.
Jane xx

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Thanks for the lovely posts everyone :heart:

I feel like I’m in a limbo state anticipatory grief for a future I will miss with my partner, we had planned holidays, date nights out, social events, or staying in for Netflix and take outs. We even go to cafes for breakfast.

I still see him almost every day (if I can’t, we facetime instead), support him with the housework/shopping/errands, admin and medical calls, as well as generally spending quality time with him, even though he is housebound and struggles to talk, we have still maintained our darkly dry sense of humour, and our flirty side.

But when the inevitable happens, there won’t even be that anymore. He’ll just be …. gone.

I don’t think I’ll be jumping into a relationship too soon after he goes, as it would be for entirely the wrong reasons; simply to fill that void, I don’t want to latch on to a rebound.

At the same time though …. the looming emptiness on the horizon fills me with utter dread.

Probably why I want to buffer it with social events with friends, but that’s rather thin on the ground.

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@Willow112 I really admire your strength and positivity, especially as you really have gone through a series of devastating bereavements, and being a caretaker for your daughter too. Your posts give me hope, that I can find ways to be resilient and rebuild my life.

In a way, you remind me of my Mum. She lost a sibling at a fairly young age, which absolutely crushed her and she never really overcome it. Yet she still forged through with life, was that strong person always there to help and support so many people, family and friends going through hard times, serious or terminal illnesses, etc. She became a volunteer after retirement, right up until her last months :heart: Her funeral, as a result, was very crowded!!

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I had my dark days, when I thought life wasn’t worth the effort and briefly considered the unthinkable. That would have left my children with nobody to love them. They had just lost their dad, both grandparents and their auntie. My son would have sole responsibility for his severely disabled little sister. Then I thought about not going alone, but that was immediately dismissed.
I had to provide a new life for all of us, one that was still filled with the laughter and love that they were used to, and there was only me left to do it. I joined a bereavement site similar to this one, made new friends and a social life that included my daughter. I volunteered to work in the local hospice shop and made more friends and slowly our lives got better.
Now I share most of my life with a lovely new partner. He is a widower, he loves my daughter and she adores him. He and my son get on extremely well and his family are also happy for us.
So, please, don’t give up on life. It’s hard, but if you never turn the page you will never know what life has to offer.
Jane xx

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