recent bereavement

hi
my wife sadly passed away on 18/05/16 after a long battle with cancer and other problems
i was caring for her for nearly 15 years due to her being bed ridden and also i was in fulltime employment
i felt a huge relief after she passed away because i knew she wasnt suffering anymore but i am findind it really hard to cope now and i cant seem to grieve for her i know this will come but i think i need profesional help now
i am waiting for counceling through work
i have tried going out and meeting people but it does not feel right for me i feel confused and get very irratable most of the time
i was married for 31 lovely years and really miss her
what can i do ???

Hi Gary let me first express my deepest condolences for your loss I know at this stage it’s of very little consolation I know because I lost my husband in February of a heart attack, we had been married 18 years. I think what I have learned is that this is a process and as heart breaking as it is cannot be rushed and will probably be the most painful thing you will ever have to face. I also think the emotions that it throws up are overwhelming and all the certainty you had in your life has now gone. You are at the very early stages and your head will be all over the place try not to think about the future as it will just add to your pain live day to day or hour to hour what ever gets you through also perhaps check out the cruse website you can also arrange counselling through them it’s free I think that may help although it’s not a magic wand and the pain will not evaporate you also must get your head around the fact that as I said at the begining this is a process and although clichéd it will take time for me the hardest part is adapting without the person I love the most beginning again at this stage of my life as I have said in previous posts is so alien to me do you have children? friends you can talk to?if not or your not comfortable with that come on here and talk because that’s important to, you must try to make sense of your feelings to help with the healing and reading others experiences also makes you realise you are not alone because you are not my lovely we are all I this horrible club we did not wish to join and are all living a life we do not want my name is karen and I’m sorry we have met in the most devastating time in our life please feel free to message me if you want to rant, cry or whatever I find reaching out to be quite carthartic, unless you have lost someone you love people don’t really understand despite there best intentions. Try to look after yourself and be kind to yourself if you don’t want to do something then don’t allow anyone to talk you into doing things your not ready for and when you need to cry, cry it’s the only way to release your sadness better that than holding it inside think of your grief like a roller coaster up and down sometimes manageable sometimes paralysing but like I said you are not alone remember that. xx

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Hello Karen
Thank you for the reply, it has now been 9 weeks since she passed away and I am now waiting to see a counciler on a 1to1 basis,
The last 14 years we were together was hard for me because as Linda was bedridden I couldn’t show my affection and I now feel it is all bottled up inside and I want to release it somehow, I recently befriended a female my own age and we met up and spent time walking and talking and it really felt good but when I told my son he went ballistic saying it was too soon and disrespectful to his mum so I stopped seeing her,
he is in a relationship/living with his partner and it hurts me to think he is happy in his life but doesn’t want me to be to be happy and feel good and have a social life. I have told him all I want is a friend to meet up with and enjoy life again but with no commitment but he doesn’t understand. I don’t want a physical relationship yet but need to get out and enjoy life.
Surely it’s not wrong to do this and I don’t think it’s too early either
Please let me know what others think
Regards

Hi Gary I understand where you are coming from I have an 18 year old daughter who after a conversation in which I said I could not imagine being with anyone else but I could not bear to spend the rest of my life alone told me point blank that she would not acccept anyone else in my life. The trouble is there is a different dynamic between a child and parent regardless of age and your son is being fiercely loyal to his mother because he is adjusting as it’s so early it’s very very raw he won’t be able to see things from your perspective because he’s grieving for what he has lost. At the end of the day we are all human and from what you have said you have had a tough time and now your are alone and probably feel lost, and you are looking for comfort which is understandable when we are hurting we want someone to make it stop. I don’t think your doing anything wrong each situation is unique as our we and as long as you are careful not to rush into anything as grief can very much be a rollercoaster at this stage, I see no harm only you know what you need at this point nobody including your son could understand because he’s not in your shoes there is no right or wrong way to deal with our situations it’s lonely,painful and hard adjusting and we should not be judged because until you have lost a spouse you could never even begin to understand. Now how you handle it is entirely up to you but also please bear in mind that your son is in pain also and try not to let it create a riff between you both as at this time neither of you need that! Good luck xx

Thank you for your reply I’m glad that you understand how I feel and will have to sit down and tell him how I truely feel and hope he realises exactly what I need at this sad time and that I understand how he feels too,
Kind regards
gary

Hello Gary, I really hope that by joining our Online Community, you are finding it helpful to hear others’ thoughts on your situation. You were obviously a devoted husband for many years before your dear wife died, and it’s going to take you a while to adjust to being on your own.
Please don’t feel bad about wanting to form new relationships - it’s the most natural thing in the world to find some happiness, after coping with a stressful life for so long!
I am sure that in time your son will realise that you need to build a new life for yourself.
With kind regards, Jackie

Thank you for your kind words Jackie and I know it will all be ok sometime in future
Regards
Gary

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