Recent bereavement

I lost my husband to the horrible disease of lung 6whivh spread through his body. It depleted my strong husband from a 16 stone man to a fragile 9 stone in weight. My husband left me with our 3 children ages 14, 10 and 4 years old. I used to be very strong, resilient and motivated. I now suffer anxiety attacks, I feel fragile and have now become isolated as I dont have any family in this country. I returned to work as a Nurseceorking for the NHS to save myself as my 3 children depends on me. However, returning to work have improve my circumstances in many ways. But, it have not help with my grief and pain. My counsellor told me I am pushing my grief and pain aside because it is too great to confront. I feel numb most of the time. I still cannot believe I will never see my husband again. I am now obsessed with the belief that their might be another universe/ dimension where my husband might have gone to. I often wonder if he can sed or hear me. I am a dreadful mess.

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Hi English Princess.
NO!! You are not a mess, you are in grief and shock. Never see yourself as a mess, no way. Bereavement is a trauma in anyone’s life. Anxiety attacks often follow bereavement and you may need mild medication at first, but only your GP can tell you that. Have you been to the doctor?
If you are a nurse then you must be able to get help where you are. But you may feel you don’t want to share your feelings with your co workers, and that’s where this site is so very useful. You can unload here at any time and we all listen because we are only too aware of how you feel.
Your counsellor could well be right. But don’t we all try to ‘push aside’ pain? Who wants to suffer?
Yes, confronting our pain is so difficult, but it’s my belief that unless we do it will just go on. I also believe that expressing emotions, in the appropriate circumstances, can be a great help. You say you feel numb. That’s normal. It’s an immediate reaction to grief. Our brains are able to switch off involuntarily when any trauma arises. Soldiers who have trauma often suffer this way and can feel no love for family. The word ‘numbness’ is so appropriate.
I believe there is another universe or dimension and that the existence of this will only be known to us when we too move on. Our finite minds can’t grasp the infinite, and that’s what I mean by another dimension.
Now take care and I do hope you come back and talk to us. Bless you.

Jonathan 123, thank you for your response. It is exactly what I needed to hear. Presently, I am experiencing a feeling of no sense of purpose, lack of motivation and stuck in auto reverse. I have a need for some kind of communication from my decease husband. I dont want to accept that he is gone. It feels too final. I have not been to see my GP for any intervention regarding my bereavement issues. At work I choose to portray that I am coping. In reality each day is a struggle. I tend to assessed my responsibility on a list of priority rather than stressing myself out. Lately, I get stress very easily which triggers my anxiety attacks. I am not purposely shutting my husband out. However, my brain is automatically doing it
Maybe, it is a way of protecting me from the grief. I do feel very lost. I find it difficult to sleep at night. Is this normal for my circumstances?