Just over 5 months since Isobel died suddenly and unexpectedly. I used to teach my students that grief wasn’t linear (you can experience any stage at any time). So I awake feeling shock and relive the trauma of finding her that dreadful morning. The ambulance dispatch told me to start cpr and I’ve never felt so much panic, despair and helplessness and of course feeling guilty that I couldn’t revive her. The crew said she’d died earlier in the morning. Now I cry every night I light a candle to Isobel wishing she could let me know that she’s at peace and being looked after. But I’m an atheist so it’s hard to believe that she is in ‘heaven’. I think she’s inside me and our daughter, her habits, manner, quirks, sayings, so I take every chance to speak about her. I feel so terribly alone even with many good friends, part of me is missing, I am not who I was and frightened of who/what I am now. Angry feelings are coming from time to time, especially towards those who abused and violated her as a young woman when her mental health problems started. Guilt drowns me when I carry on as usual, it feels disloyal to feel happy at times when I think of her last few months in a terrible state of despair. Then I’m surprised how strong I feel some days, resolute, determined to carry on and allow this painful process to take its course.
Oh @Blythboy
I’m afraid you’re on this awful rollercoaster. So many dips and the occasional high.
I’m 16 weeks into this horrendous journey and I feel all you feel, the grief, the guilt, the loss,the pain, the total heartbreak
But we really shouldn’t feel guilty,we did all we could.
All we can do is go with it accept the dips and relish the highs and hope that eventually the highs will overtake the dips.
Keep talking to her. I do it all the time, sometimes I tell him off for leaving me.
I also write to him every night. It helps too, keeps the connection going.
Sending big hugs
I’m so sorry for your loss 
It’s awful isn’t it. I also losses my partner just 9 weeks ago on Sunday. I’m having a bad day today, it’s just hits you and you feel awful. I like you have plenty of people around me but it’s just not the same as “your person” I’m currently reading through old messages of where he says he loved me. It’s so cruel.
Your wife is all around you, I don’t believe in heaven but believe that our soul never dies. It’s only our bodies that die and our soul/ energy lives on. Our loved ones who have passed walk with us and hold out hands to help up.
The emotions are wild. I totally understand how you feel, the ups and downs. Someone’s I feel so strong and confident that I’ll be ok but then I get days like today and it knocks you off your feel.
Grief is truly surreal, it’s a good job that no one can here the thoughts that go in my head sometimes 
Keep talking on here, people and they to be kind to yourself 
Sending hugs xx
My thoughts are with you and @Blythboy .
Only people who have experienced this can truly understand the impact.
Sending both of you big hugs and love.
I know it is not the same as a hug from them but I just wanted you feel
that someone cares. Not just me but also the others on here.
Rose xx
Bless you, thank you. It’s just completely shite! Last night for the first time since he died I actually felt like cooking which I always enjoyed before. Then this morning feeling terrible again. How long does this go on for? Seriously can’t live like this forever 
Sending love back to you 
Oh@Katyh
I do know how you feel
I’m further on than you, 16 weeks today.
I’ve had a couple of bad days this week, constant crying and feeling wretched.
I’m determined not to crumble today and I’m baking to try and distract myself.
But its not really working, can’t turn the brain off even though I’m trying to keep busy.
Hope you pick up soon.
We’re all here to listen
Big hugs
Liz x
It’s so sad that so many of us here can relate to many of the things you say.
I also light a candle for Steve every evening, in front of a picture of us, but I am a Christian and do believe in Heaven. He wasn’t.
It is upsetting that people who we loved had a miserable time before we found them. Steve was also abused and beaten as a boy, that makes me sad as he was such a gentle, kind man, although nobody would mess with him as an adult. Social Services were present throughout his life, which tells a tale. My Dad also had a tough childhood without love, but he was the best man, and he, too was taken too soon. I believe that the best are taken first because they are usually the ones who have had it tough, and they’ve been through enough. Or sometimes people have done plenty with their lives and it’s time to go home as their work is done. Unfortunaly we are left behind. That’s what I think, anyway, sorry if I upset anyone.
It’s just hard isn’t it. I’ve been doing well recently… yesterday I managed to finish of my complaint to the NHS for their vile neglect. It was awful reliving the day by day of events that happened to my poor man.
Hope the baking helps. I find that there’s no controlling the emotions when grief strikes!
I hope you pick up to. Sending you hugs 
Totally understand the pain has different forms, physical, emotional, mental and different levels that can freeze you or get you working manically. It’s early days for us and people say the pain never goes away it changes. But it’s hell now and we want it to stop, go away. You can and will live and these feelings do not go on forever. Hold onto that. Hugs.
Yes I’ve thought that way sometimes about Isobel, she endured so many terrible things and took it all into adult life. Yet she was a highly regarded nurse, senior lecturer, cared deeply about the poor and disadvantaged and loved being a district nurse. She struggled mentally every single day, evenings were worse, during the day she could cope with life and was loved by everyone she met. She had time for everyone, really listened to them and was so compassionate. Perhaps she’d suffered enough, we launched our daughter into adulthood, and Isobel maybe felt a lack of purpose. She was frugal and didn’t spend much on herself I so wanted to shower her with treats but I guess deep inside she felt worthless and lacked self esteem as a result of her early traumas. I pray to a God I don’t believe in that he is looking after her and allowing her to rest and be happy.
Thank you.
I really do hope the feelings don’t last forever. It’s got to get easier at some point
Yes I always knew it would some day lesson the grief. 19 months on not as bad but not good either.
Still there lots of time
But not every minute like before.
Get waves still. But I think I kinda got more used to it than before.
My partner of 40 years died on Thursday. Don’t know what to do. Sit down, stand up, go out stay in, feeling sick. Been sitting in his shed from 5 am just crying loudly and shouting his name, no one can hear me in there. I have support my daughter is upstairs in bed she’s stopping with me but she’s devastated too. Will this stop
Sad to learn of your very recent loss. Do whatever you need to do and don’t concern yourself about what others think of you. You will be extremely unsettled and that’s understandable as you’re in shock. Don’t try to process it all, it will drive you up the wall.
It’s over 4 months for me now and I can’t settle either. I went out yesterday morning, met a friend for lunch then cinema, cried on the drive home. In and out of the garden, up and down the stairs, and I average 3 hours sleep a night. This is a terrible ordeal to go through but we have no choice but to ride it out.
Please navigate your way through this forum and you’ll get some idea of how others are dealing with their grief. And look after yourself.
Good morning @jody
So sorry to hear of your loss
Sending love and hugs
Grieve in a way that is best for you, don’t worry about others. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Everyone on here is really supportive, keep chatting. No matter what you have to say, they’ll be no judgment.
Your husband is all around you, ask him for help. He will be sending you love and strength to support you through.
Be kind to yourself xx
You’re in shock so everything will feel weird, painful, upsetting, and bewildering. That’s normal. It will last but gradually ease, especially if you reach out to friends who you can rely on to listen more than to instruct you. Try not to worry about what anyone thinks, or judge those who inadvertently say hurtful things. Be kind to yourself, stay in bed all day if you need to or go out on a run/walk whatever you need do it. Try to keep eating at least one meal a day. Sending love and hugs xx