Recently Bereaved & Struggling

I was bereaved of my Mum 4 weeks ago (almost to the minute) and I am just not functioning properly. Whilst I had the funeral to focus on - there was something to keep it surreal - but now…it is real…and I am so sad. So sad. A sadness I can’t explain to other members of my family - it is so deep.

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I’m so sorry to hear about your mum, @RJSMUM. Four weeks is not long at all so please do be gentle with yourself. You might find our page, “How long does grief last?” helpful to read, as it talks about what kind of feelings you might go through and can reassure you that what you are feeling is normal.

Hopefully someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted you to know you have been heard and are not alone.

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Hi, my name is Danielle (I used my dad’s name as my screen name), I lost my dad in 2021 and like you I lost my mum four weeks ago. I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I find being the executor of my mum’s estate and organising her funeral pushed the grief to the back of my mind. Grief is very unpredictable, it will come at you like a tsunami when you least expect it. When I lost my dad I learnt to just ride each wave until it passed and then just waited for the next one. Unlike with dad we knew we were losing mum which I think has put a different spin on grief this time around. I think the best advice I can give you is to just feel it, whatever emotion you feel is ok, it is all part of the process that no two people feel the same. There are lots of lovely people on here to talk to so you will never be alone x

@Malcolm2 im so sorry for your loss.

I saw you mention how the grief feels different and that’s really how I’m feeling right now, in what sounds like a similar situation.

My mum passed away in 2001 and my dad 10 days ago, we found out he was ill 3 weeks prior to that with pancreatic cancer but it happened much faster than anyone expected.

I’m sad but I’m also okay. I miss him so much and not sure what life looks like without him but it feels different. Waves of despair, but then is this numbness or am I okay. Tonight I had drinks with his best friend and we laughed, it felt like a little new normal, Sharing stories and more.

@RJSMUM im so sorry for your loss.

I’m scared this will be how I feel after my dad’s funeral once it’s just me and my sister left with no parents.

I just keep focusing on “grow around the grief” rather than trying to make it feel better.

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Thank you.

@Bluesy grief is not linear so we just have to roll with it the best we can.

My mum was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia in 2019. In January of this year mum’s blood results were off and in March she was told the cancer has returned. She had to go into hospital in April so they could try her on a new treatment, sadly at the start of May she was told it hadn’t worked and she only had about a month left. Mum seemed ok for two weeks then she got told she only had about two weeks left. Her decline was quick, two palliative nurses came to see her at one point and told us she had a few day left, mum passed away that night. A nurse told us that mum had wanted to go on her own terms.

We lost dad in 2021 so I spent the last few years with my mum. My sister has a boyfriend and spent her weekends and holidays with him. I find myself in a position where I need to find a new way of living, I am so used to always being with my mum I don’t know what to do with myself. I know we will get there though.

Hello Danielle. Thank you for your message and I am so sorry for your loss too -I really am.
My Mum had an illness from which she wasn’t going to be cured but still she was taken suddenly and without warning. I am thankful that she is no longer in pain but it is so hard to accept. Dad has been in hospital for 17 weeks this year and by the time he returned home, Mum had been taken in hospital for 3 weeks. They had 3.5 weeks at home together and were alone when Dad was trying to help Mum from the bathroom back to bed when she was cruelly taken.
I live 200 miles away but have spent the majority of 17 weeks looking after Mum and caring for her - probably more time than in my entire adult life.
My siblings live closer and are now involved with looking after Dad and practical matters.
My spouse doesn’t grasp the idea that I have no notion to go away on a two week holiday in two weeks time, that I would just like some ‘peace’ and not to be jumping on and off ‘planes and boats etc etc …. So he has booked up and is going himself. He says he ‘has to go then’ and ‘can’t go any other time of the year’ - because ‘the football is starting back’. He hasn’t lost his parents, so it may be a while before he truly understands.
I’m confused, hurt, numb, sad beyond description, lonely …. and so many other things that I can’t find words to describe.
Someone said to me once (and I didn’t understand at the time), “If you can’t plan 6 months ahead - plan the next month. If you can’t plan the month ahead - plan the next week. If you can’t plan the week ahead - plan the next day. If you can’t plan the next day - concentrate on today. If today seems too much - concentrate on the next hour and if that is too much focus on the next 10 minutes.” I think that I have moved from 10 minutes to an hourly focus.
Sorry for this ‘blurb’. Thank you for taking the time to respond x

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I am so sorry for what you are going through, it seems with loss that life likes to throw lots of other things into the mix for us to deal with too.

I am sorry but your partners behaviour has really made me feel angry on your behalf. You really need him to step up to the plate and be there to support you in every way possible. I am not into football so I will never understand why it has to dictate what people do with their lives and when. As for the holiday, oh my goodness, to go anyway and leave you alone is just insane. It is typical of people though who have not lost a loved one, they just do not understand what it is like. I hope if you are still with him when he loses a parent, you remember how he was with you now. You need to be selfish and think about what you need and what is best for you. Like me we have to chart a new path in our lives, personally I’d be pushing him off the edge of the path, but that’s just my opinion! I don’t know you but I have no doubt that you deserve so much better.

It is true what you have said, live your live hour by hour, it’s hard to think about next week when you don’t know how the grief will be.

Never apologise for saying what you feel on here, I’ll listen whenever you need and I have no doubt others will too x

I am so tired. Even when I have managed to sleep, I don’t feel refreshed….

hi all you, know me too im exhausted !all of a sudden !after my dad passed away i threw myself into helping a friend who had a really bad stroke to anaethatise myselfi realise now …im so sorry for all these losses i tried to be really positive in the beginning you know celebrating the life of my dad but its gotten too hard .im going to buy a rose and put it in my allotment as i cant visit where he was laid to rest really other side of the country .my dad remarried when i was 27.im 58 now .if i was rich id but a gravestone down here even if i buried a mouse there …sorry not to be disrepsectful .but having no gravestone for either parent makes it hard .you know though im a big believer in life is for the living and after alls said and done we were lucky to have our parents …

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Hi All, this is my first time posting on here. I’ve just read some of your messages and my heart goes out to you all. I’m not good at thinking of myself but everyone is saying I should be. Outwardly everyone thinks I’m strong but inwardly I feel like I’m falling apart. I went from caring for my dad on a weekly basis to him moving in with me last Sept. At the time, thinking it might be for a few months but his health deteriorated quickly and it became obvious that he couldn’t live alone anymore. He ended up needing 24/7 care while living with me. Luckily I work from home and could look after my dad. Sadly. I lost my dad in May and it broke my heart. Like many of you. I kept myself so busy…didn’t take time of work and arranged all of the funeral…that way I didn’t have to think. Also, a couple of weeks before my dad passed, my partner was diagnosed with throat cancer and a few days after my dad’s funeral I had to have an operation. So many things at once…but it stopped me thinking about what had really happened. I’m currently supporting my partner through his treatment, slowly recovering from my op but still, I don’t want to think. Because, when I do…I don’t want to face the fact that my dad is no longer with me. I feel kind of numb! So emotional at times and tearful too. I’m currently off work sick still,
post op but at the moment can’t face going back to work either. I lost my mum 16 years ago and I think the only thing that’s keeping me partially sane is that I hope they are both together again.

So sorry for the long post

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@serim @Mags85 it’s nice to meet you both. My name is Danielle, Malcolm was my dad’s name. Both of your posts have one thing in common…numbness. I feel it so much after losing my mum. It can be so hard to explain at times. I know my mum has done but at the same time I can’t believe it. Sometimes I just feel nothing at all and I am going on with life as if nothing has happened. When I realise that mum is no longer with me I feel awful that I had been going about my daily life. I think the numbness is our bodies way of dealing with the trauma we have gone through, our brain shuts it out so we get a break from the grief. The only thing with that is when my brain decides that break time is over, the grief hits me like a train and it’s back to square one. The grid I feel now is so totally different to what it was with my dad in 2021. There are so many of us on this forum that we will never be alone. Life can be so hard but I think that is the real reason chocolate was invented

Hi Danielle, thank you for your reply.
Yesterday in particular was a really hard day as it was was dad’s birthday. The first one without him. I sat last night on my own cuddling one of his favourite jumpers and looking through photos. My partner had gone to bed early as he is currently going through radiotherapy and is very tired at times but it’s hard for me too as he is too ill himself to be there for me. I do understand that and don’t want to sound selfish but I just really needed someone yesterday but no one was there. I just feel so alone at the moment

The first year is the hardest part. It’s getting through all the first’s without them that is just too much. When I lost my dad I broke down on his birthday and I dreaded Christmas. I lit a battery operated candle and left it in the living room window so he could see it. It’s important to temper that what ever you feel is ok, we’ve just got to get through each day. You are not being selfish for needing someone to be there for you, no one can go through grief on their own. Maybe it would be good for you to contact Sue Ryder for some support?