I lost my wonderful husband 7 weeks ago , I actually lost him when he was diagnosed in 2019 with a brain tumour ,as his personality and his whole demeanor changed due to this terrible illness , i thought i was prepared but i wasnt even though we were told it was terminal.I ve been reading some chats on here and I know im not the only person suffering a lost loved one , theres so many of us ,i feel lonely ,scared ,upset one minute then pulling myself together the next ,over thinking ,going over every detail wondering if i could of missed something to help extend his life by some miracle, the pain is acute it actualky does hurt your heart diesnt it.
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Hi @Raffy I am so sorry for your loss. 7 weeks is very early days. I am almost 20 weeks since I lost my husband suddenly and I am having some better days now mixed with the not so good days. Although I miss him terribly and still feel sick when I allow myself to to believe he isnât coming back, I am getting on with things. I think itâs natural to go over things and feel guilt. I was very scared about life at first and coping without him. I think I am slowly starting to adapt. I guess we have no choice. It really does hurt. Reading messages on here has helped me and hope it helps you too. Sounds like you have had a lot to cope with over the last few years I hope you have support around you. Take care!
Hi just been reading both of your stories
I lost my husband in February he also had a brain tumour which was diagnosed 2 weeks after I lost my dad to stomach cancer
I donât know how old your husbands were but mine was 53 I miss him so very much and im still trying to get my life sorted into the new normal I guess
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Hi, so sorry for both your losses, so sad. My husband was 59. He had a cardiac arrest and died of swelling to the brain in March. Itâs hard isnât it to accept it is what we have to do, find a new normal. I try to block things out and keep busy. One day at a time I guess. Hope you are having some better days
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Hello both, my husband was 56 and 2 years ago i also lost my mum too stomach cancer , yes i agree one day at a time at the moment ,everything is so raw ,my husband was so humble he never complained and only once did he ever say he felt robbed of his life with us , i never wanted him to be frightened or alone ,reading storys on here and realisi g other people care and know what your going through is comfort ,we are all here united by grief, hope your days ease as time goes on .
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It does help to know others understand. I honestly do not think you have a clue unless you go through it. Your husband sounds like a brave man. All these lovely young men and women taken far too soon. Just not right. Thank you and hope your days get better too.
I also am trying to keep busy ,im finding if i dont make the effort and do things as soon as im up either shopping or any errands i think i cant do it now ,i have to push myself to leave the house some days ,i think since the funeral people tend to back off ,and thats when we need them more ,i understand they have lives and cant be by my side with support at all times ,but i feel they move forward while im still stuck in this phase of grief , even a txt saying good morning how are you today is nice ,but that ,seems to be ,getting less as well , i honestly feel some people cant cope with other peoples loss and back away, do i sound selfish ? Being on this site gives me hope .
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Keep posting noodles im finding it is comforting me to have people who understand and respond .Never feel lonely . Taje care.
No you donât sound selfish at all. I have found the same, only a couple of close friends who have been a constant. I have noticed people avoid me when I have been out. I think they just donât know what to say. I like to talk about my husband and like it when people who knew him talk about him. Donât want him to be forgotten by others I guess.
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You donât sound selfish at all I found that once he had passed away no one really wanted to know Iâm sure thatâs not true but I donât hear from many people anymore really and I donât understand but I do really sorry that sounds silly but like you said a text now and again would be nice x
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@Raffy Hi and welcome to the site, so sad to hear of your husbands passing, my Wife passed away 9 months ago from cancer, in the last few days it had moved to her brain so I can relate to what you say but only in a very small way, and what I experienced of that, my heart really goes out to you, it must have been terrible. I found that people, as you say, donât really know how to help and they back off. One thing that helped for me was to tell people what I needed, just being honest seemed to sort the wheat from the chaff, I was surprised at some of those that came through for me and again for those who didnât. But as I moved through my anger I realised that I had been those people as well, not knowing what to say or do. As we know itâs only once your here that you really understand. Be selfish, do what is good for you, itâs your needs that have to come first now.
Thankyou for your reply, I think as things are so raw your senses go into overdrive sometimes as well , ive always tried to be supportive and neutral but other people may see that as a negative, I thought i would be prepared as we were told on diagnosis my husband was terminal ,but they guessed 10 years + or minus 3 years as his brain tumour ,was slow growing , but he only made 4 & half years due to many surrounding complications , but even tho i had pre bereavement councelling i still wasnt prepared , I know reading on here we are all bereft and looking for hope and answers ,which may never be answered but i gain strength from kind words ,i hope i can help others too in time even if its just to give words of encouragement, my lovely mum ,before she died said "Always remember to be kind " and I so agree . Sending best wishes to you in your grief and to everyone on this site .
@Raffy I had similar thoughts and expectations thinking I would be ready when my wife died, we had the prognosis, we knew how it would end. Like you I was completely foolish in thinking I knew what it would be like, how could we? No one ever does until they finally arrive. I know your mum was right in her words and the person they apply to the most right now is you. Be kind to yourself, do what you need to do, find your feet. Things will come and go and it will be hard, but you can get though this.
My husband was give 12 to 18 months with his brain tumor he lasted a little longer but you are never ready for when it happens like you said you think you are but your not I felt that I was waiting for him to die which was awful I had people in and out all the time to see him but then it went to nothing I then felt bad for wanting my home back as it wasnât out home with people coming in and out nurses carers etc
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I remember that feeling, thereâs so much effort and focus and then it al fades away and you know that itâs moving towards the end. Youâre right, I did sit waiting for her to die, there was nothing else left to do. For me it was chaotic and desperate at points and I was comforted when she passed that it was over. Iâm still not sure of myself and how I handled things, but itâs becoming clearer and I think I will get there. One foot forward, each day onwards.
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I so totally get this i was the same noodles ,constant hospice apps.carers in to wash and move him ,night carers so i could rest but all this took ages to get started ,he lost his short term memory and near the end his mobility, in fact he lost most of his funtioning ,i loved him so and would of done anything for him but he wasnt the man i knew or married in the end ,it was heartbreaking how illness can turn a strong intelligent independent, human being into a severly dependent disabled person ,the house was constantly full of people ,and now nothing ,just all his things after 30 years together ,all he accumulated , i think you will agree it doesnât seem right does it or fair, i used to pray for him to pass away peacefully as he was suffering so much , i feel so guilty for that, we became patient / carer like alot or most people on this site will identify with , it makes you wonder what life is about and why theres so much pain to overcome , sending you hugs and energy to carry on at your own pace .
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@Raffy Please donât feel guilty. My wife at the end tried to hide her distress, tell me everything was ok, she felt guilty that she was burdening me with those memories. It took me a long time to realise this, that she knew I was trying my best, that she had faith in me, that I didnât fail her. Towards the end I said âIâm trying my bestâ and she just looked at me and said âI know, I knowâ. they know that we are there with them, they know that itâs all we can do.
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I was angry with him once because it had affected his eyesight he couldnât find something I grabbed his had and said there it really haunts me know as I know it wasnât his fault but the tumour Judy typing this Iâm crying god I miss him so much
My husband new as well he said to my sister he was worried about me as he new i was tired and did everything for him, he couldnt talk for the last few days, which was devastating ,but arent we lucky that our partners new how to protect us and thought about us when they new they were dying ,thats true love and humbling, how brave they were .
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@Noodles1 tâs okay , we act out of frustration and anger at the situation we are in. I did it many times, âwhy are you doing that, how can you not understandâ. I was ashamed with my behaviour, how could I be that person. but itâs natural we get tired, frustrated, angry. But angry at the situation not the person. My wife would get angry too, lash out, say bitter things. who could blame her? but at the same time, who could blame us?
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