I lost my Grandad this week and finding it really difficult to cope. He was more of a father to me and we were so, so close. He’s been battling cancer for years and in recent months has been nearing the end. I thought I might be relieved when he eventually did pass because I know he was tired, but instead it has completely knocked the wind out of me.
The first couple of days it felt like normal grief. I had intense moments of crying that could last hours (on and off), then it would almost, strangely feel peaceful. I was also really lucky that the family had come together to support one another.
Now that the gut-wrenching pain and disbelief have gone, I’m left with this empty, yet heavy, sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel sick all the time and I’ve lost almost half a stone in a week. I’m also an ex-self-harmer (from my teenage years) and reverted back to that last night. I haven’t been on such a self-destructive path for a long time.
I know there’s no magic formula for grief and everyone does it differently. I also don’t really feel like anything will comfort me right now; I just felt like I had to write something down to people that weren’t family, as my emotions are boiling-up like a kettle right now. I’m trying to run as much as I can, create a scrap book with his photos, go out with friends, but I just can’t seem to get a moment of peace.
Right now I can’t ever imagine this ache and yearning to speak to him will ever go away