Recently lost my Grandad

I lost my Grandad this week and finding it really difficult to cope. He was more of a father to me and we were so, so close. He’s been battling cancer for years and in recent months has been nearing the end. I thought I might be relieved when he eventually did pass because I know he was tired, but instead it has completely knocked the wind out of me.

The first couple of days it felt like normal grief. I had intense moments of crying that could last hours (on and off), then it would almost, strangely feel peaceful. I was also really lucky that the family had come together to support one another.

Now that the gut-wrenching pain and disbelief have gone, I’m left with this empty, yet heavy, sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel sick all the time and I’ve lost almost half a stone in a week. I’m also an ex-self-harmer (from my teenage years) and reverted back to that last night. I haven’t been on such a self-destructive path for a long time.

I know there’s no magic formula for grief and everyone does it differently. I also don’t really feel like anything will comfort me right now; I just felt like I had to write something down to people that weren’t family, as my emotions are boiling-up like a kettle right now. I’m trying to run as much as I can, create a scrap book with his photos, go out with friends, but I just can’t seem to get a moment of peace.

Right now I can’t ever imagine this ache and yearning to speak to him will ever go away :frowning:

Hi Mixcoatl,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry for the loss of your grandad, and that you feel it has put you back onto a self-destructive path.

Your loss is very recent and it is understandable that your emotions are boiling up. I’m glad that you’ve found this site, and I hope that it does help a little bit to have this place to write things down. There are others here who will understand.

You may find it helpful to read and reply to posts from others who have lost someone.

For example, Han6277 lost her nan, who she was very close to: https://support.sueryder.org/community/end-life/struggling-big-time
Cheryl1 lost her mum the week before you lost your grandad: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/my-beautiful-mum-died-yesterday

Have you had any support with your mental health or self-harming in the past? Could you get in contact with them again and explain that you have reverted to self-harming after a bereavement and need some support?

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