Recently lost my husband, where do I start

It is my first time doing anything like this. My husband was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea just over a year ago, alongside this his body would go into a parasomniac panic attack due to the lack of oxygen. During the attacks, he would not be consciously aware and he would hurt himself, sometimes quite badly, and also cause damage to the home. He had over 50 of these and during the last few he was getting verbally and physically aggressive.
On Saturday 26th February 2022, I turned on his CPAP machine, to force air in when he stopped breathing. He cried out at 04:30 and I thought he was going into another attack. I saw that he had turned over and his breathing sounded fine. When I woke up 3 hours later, the first thing I noticed was that the CPAP was blowing constantly, I reached round behind me to give him a shake, but as soon as I touched him I knew that he was gone :broken_heart:. It turned out that his heart had been struggling with the greatly reduced oxygen levels and finally could not cope.
So here I am at 2:30 in the morning, after taking 2 of the tablets the GP gave to me, not a sign of any sleep. I think I have managed 3 nights sleep in 3 weeks.
His funeral is on Wednesday so all of the family and friends will be there, but afterwards it will just be me.
I just want to curl up into a ball and cry my heart out.

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I’m so very sorry for your loss, it’s sounds like you’ve had a very traumatic time in the last year and I’m sure you must be in tremendous shock. I do not sleep too well myself, or when I do sleep it’s for a short period. I use a sleep app that has a soothing story to go to sleep as otherwise my mind just swirls with difficult thoughts and memories. All you can do is just take it one small step at a time and lean on friends and family, is there anyone that could stay for awhile after the funeral? Keep posting as sadly we know how you are feeling xx

On Saturday I went out for a couple of hours, when I got home I discovered that I hadn’t locked the front door. Yesterday I put the meat on for my dinner, prepared the vegetables, only to think about three quarters of an hour later that the saucepan was taking a long time to boil, of course you need to turn it on for that to happen.
So after less than 3 hours sleep, I wonder what will happen today?

It’s so relatable, everything you’ve said, even now seven months on, my memory is awful, I struggle most with words, I can never find the word I want, when I had my occupational health assessment, she said I hadn’t dealt with the trauma of what happened, together with the fact that no one would explain to me what actual happened to my husband, they just emailed me the coroners report but they, and my doctors wouldn’t explain what it all meant. Only the oc health nurse took the trouble to tell me what happened and that was 6 months later. I know it’s early, but maybe counselling might help?

Thank you Lilyboost, I think I will have to talk to the Dr about counselling. I can’t function on less than 3 hours sleep, and that was with the prescribed medication. I have also just found out that our friend who has been supporting me is now unable to attend the funeral. It’s been about five and a half years since we lost my sister to cancer at the age of 52. It is so much harder this time, as it was completely unexpected.

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I am so sorry for your loss. Any death of someone close is hard to cope with. When it’s your ‘other half’ the pain is indescribable.
If you want to curl up in a ball and cry your heart out, do it. Let as much out now as you can or want. You are the only person who can say what’s right or knows how you’re feeling.
My husband died in hospital during the first lockdown. He had a minor heart attack at home, paramedics took him to the local hospital. The last time I saw him alive was when he walked out of the door with the paramedics. The day I was due to pick him up from hospital, after they fitted 2 stents, I was called at 04.30 to say he had gone into cardiac arrest, could I come to the hospital. When I arrived, he had already gone. In actual fact, he had died while they called me.
I wake up every day, even now, at 04.30. I hardly slept at all after he went. Even after his farewell service, sleep was scarce. Please don’t beat yourself up. Later, you might want to think about changing the bed /furniture arrangement, or sleeping in another room if possible. Your memories will stay but later on, this might help with your sleep routine.
It is still very early days, so do what you need to and be kind to yourself.

Thank you for your kind words Bibi