Hallo,
I haven’t been on here for a while; what is really troubling me 9 months on from my Mum dying is the constant replaying of the deathbed process. The rasping breath that went on for a few days, the carers throwing her about like a lump of meat just hours before she died. It’s so painful!
Is this just part of the grieving process, nothing to be done except live through it? Does anybody have experience of this and how to cope? Any pointers or advice would be most gratefully received!
Hi @Labrador
Thank you so much for sharing this with the community 
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.
Take good care,
Kate
I think time does blunt the edges a bit, but when it’s really bad it might be helpful to talk to a counsellor who specialises in trauma. From my experience trying to ground oneself can be a strategy, using mindfulness exercises (you can find lots online) to snap back to the present when you get caught up in the loop of horror. I struggle with flashbacks too and understand how awful it is. I hope you can find some relief. 
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a mom is soul crushing.
I looked at an old photo of when my husband was younger and healthier and happy. It made me smile to remember him that way. When the horrific images flash in my head, I switch to that good image.
There is nothing we can do about what has happened. I am sorry that your mom was mistreated by carers. Makes me want to scream!
Much love.
Thank you for your kind responses. The thing to do seems to be to be able to go somewhere else in your mind or back to the present when the images invade. Thank you again.
@Labrador
If I’m totally truthful as heartbreaking as those images are I personally believe you have to process them. They eventually then lose their grip on your memory and in time are replaced by happier memories. Your mum was so much more than her final day. When you think of her think of her whole life and who she was because death doesn’t define her, only her life can do that. Hope this helps
It does. Thank you for that.
Hi Labrador, I have also struggled with the memory of my mum’s last hours, my dad and I held her hands as she died and just sat with her waiting for it to end. It was handled very kindly by the people in the hospital (she had only been there overnight, as it was a stroke, so very sudden), but I sometimes am haunted by the image and have struggled to come to terms with it at all. I have a lovely photo of her on my tablet that shows her a few years previous, and also some recorded images of her which fill my heart with love when I see her as she was in life, kind and loving - so I have tried to replace the memory with these images, and can only be thankful that I was there with her at her last moments, as she was with me at my first. Thinking of you - thank you for posting this, it is something that’s troubled me. Gill xxx
Hello, I am sorry to read this for you. I too had recurring images of my Dads last few days, especially his last day. So ‘not like my Dad’ that I couldn’t remember my Dad before he became ill. I had bereavement counselling however after a lot of research I managed to have a few sessions for trauma related CBT. In effect I was given the opportunity to build up to talking it all through, then was given different ways to process this and bit by bit it started to help. I still have the images but they aren’t always as vivid. The counsellor was very good at explaining how your brain works too so I was able to understand why this was happening. I’m happy to share more if it helps you. I also have a friend who had EMDR or is it EDMR… eye movement desensitisation and that helped them hugely. I hope it helps to know you aren’t alone as I thought I was the only one troubled by this, so much so I never thought life would improve… but it is starting to a little at a time x