Hello, my first time posting here and I wish I wasn’t really.
I have very recently and very suddenly lost my grandad. It was a shock, and honestly the way it all happened was quite traumatic. I think the fact it was so sudden has made the delusion and denial stages so agonising.
I’m wracked with an enormous amount of guilt - to the point that I don’t think I’d be able to handle living. My grandad was honestly the most amazing man you would meet - he was so vibrant and unique. He monopolised the room. He was passionate. He was everything.
For the past year I’ve dealt with lots and lots of mental health struggles (going through a not great relationship and general mental issues such as OCD). And I guess I just let my relationships fall to the wayside. I used to message my grandad one on one. And then for this past year, I just. Made no time for him at all. I’m just wracked with so much guilt. Did he know I loved him. I let him down so much. These thoughts are just consuming.
I saw him the day before he died, and I hugged him a proper hug when I saw him. But when I left I was in a rush and gave him a side hug and was out the door. I can remember turning round and blowing him a kiss. And that was it. The last time I ever saw him.
I just. Can’t get over the fact that I never truly sat and told him I loved him more than words can describe. This guilt is all consuming.
I was just wondering if other people experienced guilt and regret and how much to handle it. My grandad died two days ago and I can’t see life and happiness ever returning.
Hi choccy so sorry you lost your grandad . Yes regret and guilt are big issues with grief, all the would have should have could haves . You can find lots of threads about guilt on this site so you can see how much it can affect you when grieving . Personally I don’t think you have anything to beat yourself up about, being a gran myself I can tell you nothing makes me happier than seeing my grand daughter off enjoying herself and getting on with her busy life. It’s lovely that you spent time talking to your grandad in the past but he would understand that as time goes by life pushes more and more at you and you can’t always fit in everything you want to do.
It’s lovely that you saw him the day before and gave him a big hug and blowing him a kiss well that just screams to me he would know how much you loved him.
Now this is all going to be very hard for you because of mental health issues and the OCD ( which I have struggled myself with) you will just keep going over and over things in your head beating yourself up more and more . I hope you can find someone to talk to who can listen and reassure you . Your grandad had been around long enough to remember what it was like to be young himself and the ups and downs of life. I think he would not want you to feel guilty in anyway and would want you to make the most of the time you have and grab every opportunity to bloom.
Life throws a lot of really painful situations at us sometimes but boy do we grow and learn from them , hopefully making us better human beings. Be kind to yourself your grandad would want you to be . You didn’t let him down, I am sure he would have understood and have just wanted the best for you . Be patient , it’s slow , it’s painful but you will get there. He would want you to be happy . Be gentle on yourself. Jess
Thank you for your wonderful message Jess, you don’t know how much reading your message helped me. You’re right - I know my grandad loved me and he must have known I loved him in return. I’m working on trying to be kind to myself and trying not to let my mental health issues taint the memories I have. Honestly you really don’t know how much your thoughtful words mean to me.
Thank you for responding, and helping me try and process things.
He surely did know how much you loved him , sounds like a beautiful relationship to me . You are obviously a very caring and sensitive person. so the funeral and Christmas are both going to be especially hard for you. I hope you can talk to your mom or gran and can help each other through this grief, all your emotions are valid and need to be worked through. It takes as long as it takes. It’s good you found this site for support if you type in grandad at the top of the page you can find lots of comments from people who lost their grandad and how it affected them. I always come back to this site for support and have found it so helpful . Your mom and gran might find support here as well if they would like to take a look. It’s only a few days so it’s all so raw and strange , it must feel like your world has been blown into pieces like a big explosion, but it will slowly settle down again in time.
Hang on in there , one step at a time .
Thank you Jess, your support is lovely to hear. Your words are so kind and what I need to hear. I hope everything is okay with you also. I have told my mum, and I think she finds reading quite helpful.
I dread his birthday, my birthday and Christmas as they’re all close together. Today seems to be slightly worse as we come another day further away from his actual death. Like you said, it might be the OCD influencing, but the repetition of playbacks in my mind are almost maddening. I feel like an imposter, like an outsider to my family who have closer memories or who spent more time with him recently, the other grandchildren. Do I have a right to cry for him?
But like you said, I think because it’s so raw it just all feel so much like despair and so terrible.
Everyone deals with their grief in their own way but the saying I love is something like “the depth of your grief is equal to the depth of your love” I feel that’s so true. It’s an awful roller coaster you are on, it’s often 2 steps forward then 1 step back or even3 back. It’s not linear , it’s total chaos you will have to learn to navigate. Don’t worry if it gets worse before it gets better on times , it’s like that. And don’t feel guilty when sometime in the future you might feel a moment of happiness coming back into your life (although you can’t imagine it now )your granddad would want you to be happy and live your life. As parents and grandparents we are most happy when our children are happy . OCD is a nightmare people can’t understand if they have never experienced it . Add on grief and I think if you are still standing you are amazing.
Your words are so wise - I find myself so comforted by everything you say. The saying is so beautiful, I think he touched so many hearts that he’s just left behind a hole. Like you say loved so much and that’s why the grief is so strong.
OCD is indeed a horrible thing to have - I’m sorry that you experience it too. It’s like not trusting your own brain and vision.
Thank you for helping me. Thank you for telling me amazing. I think and I hope I’ll be okay. And I hope you are okay too.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I recently also lost my Grandad who passed away on 15th Sept and I completely understand how you feel.
In my situation, I have ADHD and I was super overwhelmed when I heard that my Grandad passed away. The funeral happened 2 days later and I just didn’t end up attending due to a couple of different reasons. I now have massive guilt and regret about not attending, as my Grandad meant so much to me and we were so close. I can’t believe he literally died, it was my last chance to see him and I didn’t make the effort?
I am also struggling to continue living my life with this. And it’s so frustrating as I do think my ADHD massively contributed to this.
I think hearing about how your remember your Grandad, and how much you love him will make him feel incredibly happy and I’m sure he already knew. I think forgiving yourself is definitely the way forward. You are human. And having OCD can definitely add additional pressures when it comes to maintaining relationships. Recognising that you were doing your best at that point in time is essential, and that we can never really be prepared for death.
Hi @nv3 , advised you to recognise you were doing your best, and that is absolutely right. We are only human, and we are guided by our DNA, and other people, particularly during our formative years. Then we get on with it, the best we can.
Ive never met anyone who is perfect!
Thank you for such kind words Nv3, sometimes you just need to hear kindness and empathy from someone else. Just from the way you have given me a lovely boost. I can already tell you’re a warm soul.
Having ADHD can be debilitating, especially when you’re faced such grief and agony. I don’t want you to think that you didn’t put in the effort. Just as you told me, you’re doing the best you can with what your mind is allowing. I know people who have ADHD that become overwhelmed with anxiety and struggle to leave their house or keeping on track.
And I know it must hurt to have not attended the funeral but knowing that you loved your grandad and your grandad loved you is the most important thing. Also. Grandparents are so special, they understand and love.
I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope this helps at least a little bit.
I truly appreciate all your kind words, and it doesn’t feel like I’m going through this alone anymore which makes all the difference.
I think your message actually also made me appreciate my relationship with my Grandad. You’re right - grandparents are so so special and while it does feel like he wasn’t in my life for very long, I’m just so lucky that I got to spend that time with my Grandad and create those memories.
One thing that has really helped me out is writing a list of things that I could do to help process my grief, and just thought I’d mention it as it might help you too? I’m doing small things like lighting a candle that smelt like my Grandad and repairing his watches so I can wear them.
You’re not going through this alone, and I’m sure we will both learn to get through this.