Regret - Dad Died mid fight

Coping with bereavement
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The pain I feel is unbearable. It is 2 days since my daddy died. I am full of loss and pain, not only at his death, but the fact we had a blazing row and never made up. I can never apologies, I can never beg for his forgiveness and hold him tight and say how much I love him, I can’t take back my cruel, heartless words.

My dad was an alcoholic, and he eventually had a heart attack. I loved my dad, and we had amazing times, but our relationship oscillated between fun and laughter, to rage and upset. My dad was always an alcoholic, and I struggled hugely with his aggression or snapping, then his drunken, in your face party going moments at the next.

All of this escalated into my mum becoming an alcoholic with him. My younger sister has also struggled with alcohol addiction. Before he died, The 3 of them had been drinking. I had gone to bed and at 1am my brother ran in flustered because my sister’s baby had fallen out of the bed and my sister was so drunk she couldn’t hear her crying and wouldn’t wake up even when being called. I tended to the baby, but I was so frustrated.

In the morning, my mum and dad were in the kitchen. I had a huge go at them. I blamed them for letting my sister drink and putting the babies life at risk. My dad was never one to back down. We argued more, then I threw insult after insult at him, saying I never even knew who he was as I never met him sober my whole life, told him he was useless as he never brought me birthday presents (he hadn’t even worked for more than 20 years because of his drinking), and that he was worthless.

I even threw the hat I brought him on Father’s Day out of the window.

I drove home and got on with life. 3 days later he tried to call about a separate argument he was having with my brother. I never answered. The next day, he died.

Even as I relive this my heart is beating through my chest with pain and sorrow. I hate myself for doing what I did, and can never take back the words. It was my biggest fear to lose my dad mid argument, and the nightmare came true.

My eyes are streaming with tears. I feel empty. I just wish I could tell him how much I adored him. It’s too late now. I’m lost.

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I’m so very sorry for your loss. Coping with three family members who are alcoholic is a heavy burden to carry. You were frustrated and angry because of the incident with your sister’s baby and we often say things we don’t mean during arguments and regret them afterwards. You didn’t know your dad was going to die suddenly, that must have been a terrible shock. You might benefit from seeing a counsellor to discuss your feelings but maybe give yourself a few weeks to process everything. I hope you have other family members to support you. Take care.

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Dear LottieBot I am so sorry to hear about your father and how much you loved him. I think you were trying to help him in a situation that had difficult resolution. You were desperate for him to realise the need to change. Your post is proof of how much love you had for him, unfortunately he couldn’t control his addiction but that doesn’t mean he didn’t realise that you loved him. I’m sure your father is no longer in pain and will be so proud of you because you tried to stop him, because you wanted him well, because you loved him

I hope you find peace soon. Talking about these emotional situations is a form of therapy but you would also benefit from counselling one on one. Wishing you all the strength you will need

All the best

Tom

:hugs: :people_hugging:

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I am so sorry. First, you must work through the guilt. You loved your Dad, but he was destructive. Your family was in a very bad situation, but you were not to blame. I posted yesterday about treating a loved ones as if they would die tomorrow. Not so easy, fights and fate happen. Forgiving yourself is the first step. You are not to blame. Your father forgives you, I am sure. Once you can forgive yourself, you can mourn your dad and the love you had for him. Life is messy, endings are not planned. Hopefully you have friends and family to focus on. Or go for walks. I wish you healing. :mending_heart:

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Thank you so much for your reply. A counsellor is a good idea, I think I need to organise one as soon as possible. I appreciate your reply.

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Your words mean more to me than I can even say. Thank you. Thank you for giving me a moment of peace and encouragement. You’re right, I did love him so much. Even as I look through pictures, my mind is remembering the bigger picture rather than the deeply, deeply unfortunate end. Which I can never reverse, but will pray forever to get over.

I appreciate your message more than I can say. Thank you :people_hugging:

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Thank you for your words. It is unfortunate indeed, I wish fighting was not a part of our story, or any story, but it seems to be a part of human nature. If only it wasn’t.

Thank you for your advice. Hopefully I can go for a walk soon, and forgive myself beyond that. And thank you for your wishes of healing :people_hugging:

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