Relationship strain after sudden death

My marriage is struggling hugely, we were already having problems but then my Dad died suddenly and traumatically at the end of January. I have PTSD and am grieving. My partner gives support at times, but at other times criticises me, has said some horrible things, won’t give me grace to be immersed in the grief. I resent his selfishness. He still has both his parents. I fear my Dad’s death is going to destroy the marriage because I have no energy to work on it and I just want him to go away and let me grieve. But we can’t just split up, we have young children and a mortgage. I just don’t know how to get through this. It’s hell.


I don’t know if I can advise you, but didn’t want to scroll past without offering hugs of support. :people_hugging: Would it be possible for you to go to a counsellor together, so he might get a better insight into what you need right now? :heart:


Thank you. I think this might be a wise idea. Thank you for the suggestion and thank you so much for the hugs of support.

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I’m so sorry you’re also having these struggles and I’m sorry too for the loss of your Mum.

I feel like there’s a level at which my partner cannot understand this, he still has both parents, I don’t want him to have to understand what this is for many, many, many years. But I do wish he’d have the grace to admit he doesn’t understand and give me some grace.

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You are exactly right, he doesn’t understand your pain because he still has both his parents.

He should allow you the time to grieve in any way shape or form that you wish to. No body knows when it’s going to hit you. It’s a bit unfair on his side for making you feel this way whilst you are still grieving.

Definitely seek some counselling so you have external people to talk to away from the family . It will definitely help you.

Your children will get you through this, stay strong for them as they need their mum, they love you.

Perhaps get your partner to look up some information on how to help grieving partners because perhaps he doesn’t know how to support you.

If he is anything like my partner, he will try to distract you in other ways (which aren’t always helpful) but sometimes all you need is a hug.


i am in this same situation. Mine thinks his toothache was a main event and all been about him and that, in April 23 we were evicted on a section 21 as landlord wanted to turn it into a Air BnB. so was homeless in a hostel as i am unwell with pad and diabetes complications. So cannot work atm until ive had 2 operations. My dad got unwell and like a usual infection in older people with dementia and went into hospital xmas day. every day i went it was worse and got upset on 27th and overdosed ritalin keeping emotions calm and i drank too. i did end up in hospital and was stranded there as no money on me or phone and partner didn’t bother coming ith me. So i sat with him on 27th. Then my narcisstic sister only family started on me and then in a arguement she just told me he had actually got stage 4 cancer and syringe driver went in. She knew about it and never told me. Then he died on 2nd. She now tells me she i pregnant and literally did it as she said without kids she will die alone and only got pregnant so this kid will look after her in old age. shes 40 im 43. This change has severely changed it all and now i am so depressed and feel deceived and i have no family. i really hope we all get better and hope your post will inspire me to carry on as it is so hard.

Been 3 months and it seems to be worse now not better. She just moved on within weeks. I cant and she keeps telling me im being childish etc. Me and my dad was close i dunno. I want to cut them all off permanently and just go it alone.

Hi, so sorry for your loss. I am in the same situation as you, maybe even worse. My husband keeps telling me to get over it because my mom is in a better place and he doesn’t have anything to say to me again about it. Of course, he still has both parents so he doesn’t know how it feels but I feel that this doesn’t give such people an excuse not to show sympathy. Today is supposed to be my mom’s birthday and I’m wallowing in deep grief, not even a word of encouragement from my husband. He left me alone in the room and only ask for food once in a while.
So I have decided not to except comfort from him to avoid any disappointment which can add more to the pain I’m experiencing. My little children are better comforter, so I’m going to focus on the positive energy.
Please hang in there and take care of yourself. xoxo

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mum, and compounded by your husband’s lack of understanding of how you are feeling. Significant milestones like birthdays are so tough, and especially your Mum’s birthday itself. It sounds like being with your children brought you some small comfort. But of course we can’t talk deeply and truly openly to our children about our grief. I haven’t yet had to traverse my Dad’s birthday, but I intend to book the day off work and spend it with my Mum and sister.
I really hope that your husband works at trying to understand how you may be feeling. After a lot of difficult and very painful conversations, I do feel my husband is trying harder to understand how I might be feeling just 8 weeks on from my Dad’s sudden death. I do hope your husband might also dig a little deeper to try and connect with you.
Part of me feels like people in general don’t quite want to imagine how we might be feeling and so they turn away, but that’s incredibly painful for us as we need support of those around us.

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Hello @magenta hope you are good and feeling a bit better? Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I am happy to hear that your husband is at least willing and trying to understand your feeling. You need all the help you can get to navigate this journey. As for me, I have decided to let him be and not force him to care too much, it seems no matter how hard I explain, he’s not just willing to understand, which leaves me more disappointed every time. So, I’ll continue to grief alone and come here once in a while when it becomes unbearable. Thank you once again and do take care.