Relentless

Having yey another bad day "god it’s relentless " one day I’m on a level the next I am falling part every day feels pointless I’m trying to be grateful for the small things but the void left by my husbands death feels like a meotor. I feel empty adrift alone. My head is so full I want to shut it down but don’t know how my sadness so profound it’s all so hard and although I try not to think about the future I can’t help but wonder whether the rest of my life will be spent just managing my grief! initially I numbly fully excepted my life would be now be horrible without him and that I would have to get to grips with that but there in lies the problem coming to terms with a situation you don’t want even though you have no choice is so difficult it’s just relentless you can’t avoid it you can’t fast track your way forward you just plunge ahead in pain.I feel like the universe conspires against me as everywhere I look reminds me of what I have lost my house with its memories going outside with normal people being happy excited about Christmas couples being in love of course on a deeper level I know not everyone is happy in this world and that there is a lot of pain in this world, case and point this forum but you only feel your own pain! I’m 9 months in this horrendous club now wondering how much longer I can sustain this unbearable pain.

Hello AquariusA. “Relentless” just about sums it up doesn’t it. Sometimes your head just feels like it’s going to burst. My day has consisted of exactly the same thoughts as well, it’s the hopelessness as well isn’t it that is so debilitating. I truly wish you a more peaceful evening and weekend. Tina

Hello Tina
I totally agree about it feeling hopeless and debilitating I’m much more fragile and insular now the trouble is being alone just allows more time to think which just makes me feel worse I feel like I’m in and endless loop and I hate it xx

Hello Tina and Aquarius a
This pain feels truly unbearable and yet somehow we are bearing it . Sometimes when I cry I can’t even catch my breath( I’m sure you both understand that ). I keep on hoping for this pain to ease but it appears to get worse. Christmas isn’t helping. I am now giving up " putting a brave face on it" , this hurts and I’m not pretending anymore that Christmas is ok!
Me and Rob loved Christmas , the kids and grand kids . Cooking Christmas dinner on the range , not this year.
All I hope is that next year I won’t resent the couples laughing holding hands and that I might too smile genuinely . Let’s all be gentle on ourselves and just cope , I’m sure our loved ones would have wanted that . Kind regards to all, Kim x

Hello Kim and AquariusA. Let’s hope we can find some strength to have a few peaceful days. Seems all three if us have all lost our Husbands to a Heart Attack. One of the worst things for me is not seeing other couples holding hands it’s seeing them going about their daily business like shopping in Tesco. In a little couple bubble. They probably take that for granted. Like we all have done at some point I guess, but we don’t think we will run out of ‘tomorrows’.
Take care both of you.

Hi Kim of course I agree with absolutely everything you say I have been trying to distract myself since my husband died other wise I am not sure I would be able to get through the day and the other day I was so immersed in what I was doing I suddenly thought oh my god he’s dead and I almost couldn’t breathe as for Christmas I want no part of it I volunteered to work I will not be putting up trimmings or buying any special food etc I will treat it as a normal day and use my residual strength not to fall part at work my daughter who is 18 will either work or spend it with her boyfriend as she has decided she does not want to put on a brave face either. xx

omg just reading all of your posts makes me panic my husband died ten days ago and i am just well i dont know what to do i just want him back i want to hold him and hug him , i can not bear this big hole in my chest and just want it to stop hurting i feel overwhelmed all of the time xx

The pain is so unbearable. …my husband had a heart attack and died in his sleep. …I was at work…no good byes…it hurts…he was 49 years and we had been married for 9 years…he died on 30October. .how am I going to carry on…we were doo happy…I never thought I would be a widow in 2016…it hurts…we had so many plans…xx

Mrs H and Vicky45 so sorry that you both have lost your husbands it’s such a painful experience for all of us and unfortunately being that I am only a few months down the line in front of you both I can’t promise you things will get better because it’s such a rollercoaster we are all on I alternate between feeling numb and profoundly sad the only respite I get is when I am asleep or immersed in work. It truly is a process which can’t be avoided (unfortunately) initially you are cocooned in shock but when that wears off its just you trudging along with sadness and pain. People tell me to treasure the memories but even though it’s been 10 months on the 24th it still has a somewhat surreal feeling about it “I still can’t believe he’s gone , you know” that’s not to say I haven’t accepted his death reality has pummelled that into me but it’s all so raw. I’m trying hard to get on with things but it’s very much baby steps for me and isolation I find it really hard to embrace my new normal I did not expect to be a widow at 48 I have no ideal how to move forward as my thoughts change hour by hour I can’t wait for Christmas to be over, glad to see the back of 2016 worse year of my life hands down. Anyway sorry to waffle on all I would like to say to you both be kind to yourselves be strong when you can and cry when you can’t. xx

Mrs H. I am so so sorry for your loss, made more traumatic by the suddenness. I lost my husband too in October to Heart Attack/Heart Failure, anticipated but very sudden. There is nothing I can add that AquariusA hasn’t already said. It hurts so, so much. Heart issues don’t hang around whilst you get used to them so we have shock as well. I hope you have someone to offer you some care and comfort. I truly, truly empathise and sympathise with you.

Tina 19…I am sorry for your loss…and thank you . Hope we keep in touch to keep going ,
Xx

Aquarius A…,so sorry for your loss.x

Hello Mrs H. I hope you managed to get through the day today. If you have been like me there will have been plenty of tears and feeling traumatized still. I personally am distraught as the NHS made errors and omissions in his treatment as well. Please do keep in touch, either by open post or private message. Bye for now and take care.

Hello Mrs H. I hope you managed to get through the day today. If you have been like me there will have been plenty of tears and feeling traumatized still. I personally am distraught as the NHS made errors and omissions in his treatment as well. Please do keep in touch, either by open post or private message. Bye for now and take care.

Aquarius and Tina, I feel your pain, everyday every second every week, it’s only been 2 and half months for me, I lost my fiancé whilst on holiday in Cyprus, Sarah was my world, we’d been together 5 years and I’m so lost so alone without her, everything you’ve both mentioned I feel too, I feel cheated, I feel life passing me by without my interactions, I’ve chosen to write a book about us, which I’m hoping to get published, but even that doesn’t take away the pain I feel, like you both it’s a daily battle, the name you’ve chosen “Aquarius” even reminds me of Sarah, as that was her star sign, I wish I could offer some advice that could help, but I’m up to my neck in grieve, I miss her so much, all I will say is speak to your family speak to your friends and I hope that will offer some comfort to you both… life is so short I only wish it was me and not my sarah, I find it really hard sometimes… sorry to go on a bit, but times like this ( bad day) I want to tell someone I know feels my pain, I really do hope that you both find peace as I too seek the same x Sam

Hello Sam
I too woke up extra heavy of heart and very sad today, worse than yesterday in fact. I think it’s because the New Year will be here soon and it will be hard to see in a new year when Dennis should be as well. To know my husband will miss out on experiences and opportunities hurts a lot. You don’t need to apologise about “going on” because you are not, if talking helps in some way you need to. Goodness alone knows I have done plenty of “going on” in the last few days. I hope you get a good night’s sleep, If you are like me it’s one of the few things one can do to eliminate the pain for a short while. The book is a great idea Sam, it’s a great tribute as well to Sarah. Hope you have a peaceful evening as much as you can. Tina.

Hi Tina thankyou so much for your reply, I read you loud and clear when you talk about sleep being our only console even if for a short time, the book idea came when I saw a film and it made me feel compelled to write about Sarah, it gives me a sense of keeping her alive somehow, you talk about your Dennis not being there to experience the new things in your life as the new year approaches and how it hurts you, I understand this completely, for I feel exactly the same, I miss Sarah so much, it hurts everyday the nearer the new year approaches… I hope you do get some peace this new year, my suggestion would be, do whatever feels right, there is no right way no wrong way, I sleep at night in the hope sarah is with me, always… thankyou so much Tina, I really appreciate your words x hugs, Sam

Hi Sam my name Karen and I am a Aquarius to could not really think of appropriate name and was concerned about safety now my husband is gone I feel vunerable although why someone would target this site I don’t know but there are people like that in the world and I feel to fragile at the moment to deal with anything else grief is a full on experience I guess vunerabiliy is also part of the grieving process it really affects everything doesn’t it? I am very sorry for your loss it is relentless isn’t it and unless you have experienced it you can never fully understand I wake up most days and just don’t want to be here but I have a teenage daughter and I could not leave her alone she is already in so much pain, but carrying on is difficult and watching everybody going about there lives oblivious makes me feel so envious that used to be me. I worked over Christmas and will do the same New year’s it helps me being exhausted which allows me to feel numb and not to focus on how lonely I feel without my husband not lonely for other company mind you just him I prefer to retreat from the world as everyone has moved on but I can’t. Anyway any time you want to vent please do so it does help despite us all being strangers we are all connected by our common bond of loss and we all understand we as I continually say are in this horrible club together (unfortunately) so although you feel alone know that you are not you can private message or not up to you but I promise you will find it cathartic it won’t take away the pain but you will have company for your journey take care. xx

I am new to this site and have just read your post.You are describing exactly as I feel.I have had a really bad day today and dont know when things get any better - everyone says it does but it is gradual. Just when you have a few better days wham it knocks you back again.

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