I don’t mean to be unkind/upset people
I found that when I lost my mum to dementia when she died it was such a relief for her and myself I cared for my mum to her last breath there was nothing I didn’t do for her it was like I was free I had been grieving for a living person
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Yes I get that. It gets really hard to care long term when you feel mixed feelings. Had my husband lived he would have needed more care than I had strength for although I didn’t want him to die. But he was getting worse and hope was evaporating. I have such mixed emotions.
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I totally understand, my husband died on Tuesday, He had cancer since June 2021 and it’s been such a hard 17 months on myself and our children (13 and 14). Initially, we all felt such a relief that he was now out of pain, I’m now left with deep sadness. I have been grieving since he was diagnosed as we knew it was terminal, so all of those feelings of grief (denial anger guilt etc) I’ve been through already.
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Thinking of you Nori, time to be kind to yourself. You will have deep sadness but like you say your husband no longer in pain xx
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Yes it is a year today my husband died. Plodded in drizzle to put floral tributes I made out of things from the garden on his grave and where his memorial was where he spent all his time. Lit a candle for him in church and wrote prayers on prayer tree. Memorialised him. I had two nice bunches flowers delivered and Cruise councillor Tel me to see how I was. So was on my own. Tel my son’s. One had taken his little boy out as it was his birthday. So tomorrow to clear up as they are coming round Maybe they will make something for his memory. May watch a film of him. Play it by ear. I am still sad and did know he couldn’t go on forever and will never know but been trying to think what can do.
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Be kind to yourself. It’s tough I know. I’m still struggling with feelings of guilt at the relief when my husband died after a long protracted illness.
I no longer feel that guilt due to the relief thank god. I asked myself why would I feel guilty for not wanting him to be in pain anymore, for wanting the suffering to end? That’s human compassion because we love them so much. Definitely nothing to feel guilty about.
None of us are perfect, and I’ve said and done some silly things over the years but I’m so proud of myself for caring for him better than anyone else could care for him. I battled alongside him and was at every meeting he had, making sure they hadn’t missed anything. At the end I was making sure he had more pain relief when he needed it. Alongside all of this, I also had the kids to look after.
Try and look back at the time your partner was poorly. Write down a list of everything you did every single day. I bet that list is long and I bet that list showed a bloody strong amazing person.
Nobody can ever understand how much a lengthly illness impacts the partner unless they’ve experienced it.
Talk to yourself like you would a friend. Tell yourself how bloody amazing you were. You should never be feeling guilty xx
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Well I wasn’t amazing at all. You see we were both struggling not just him. We had to struggle to help each other.
I didn’t have the strength. If course I wish I did. No good feeling guilty about what I couldn’t do.
I wish I could have done.
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That sounds so tough but sounds like it was totally out of your control?