I lost my dad 2 years ago and my mum sadly passed away 2 months ago. She was diagnosed with cancer at Christmas and I cared for her spending every day together and I went to all her appointments with her.
I was with her when she died and it was a very traumatic experience and one which I can’t get out of my head.
The worst time is when I go to bed, I get flashbacks of those last hours and just sob.
How can I get these images to stop?? I feel like I’m in limbo without her, she was my best friend 
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Hi, i cant help im sorry but i want you to know you are not alone. I also cared for my husband through his cancer journey and we spent his final moments together. I relive that whole day over and over again its so hard i get it xx
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My sincere condolences, my dad was my best friend too and it’s like falling headlong into a deep black hole. 
I had horrible flashbacks after losing him, but I’m a little further along so it has eased somewhat, but what I did and do is try to snap out the loop. One way is to focus on your surroundings, naming three things you can hear, feel and see, and do that several times. Another, which works better for me, is focusing on something else, like coming up with an animal for every letter in the alphabet, backwards if it’s bad. Animals, countries and plants if it’s very bad. Talking to a counsellor about it can help too. Hugs and wishes for peace. 
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Thanks so much for replying.
I will definitely try your suggestions. X
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Shelly I get days can’t cope as well. I think of what my husband would say that I will be ok
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My husband died 4 months ago sudden heart attack at my feet in the living room , to me he died then , but two days in ICU where I had to watch them switch his life support off , so to me I had to watch him die twice ! I still relive those moments , at first it was at least twice a day , every day , first thing in the morning and last thing at night , after a few months it was maybe only once a day , then now some days I don’t re live it , and some days I do , it did get less , and I just have to say to my self my husband wouldn’t of wanted to of upset me of what I saw ,
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Aww Jane I’m so sorry for your loss. I know my mum wouldn’t want me to be like this and she’d be telling me off if she could! I hope it does become less frequent. Sending you a hug xx
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Hi, I’m sorry for your loss.
You are helping just by being there. I just feel so alone with it all, I tend to hide a lot of how I’m feeling from my family.
It’s just so hard xxx
Hi Shelley, i understand completely. I am very traumatised by my mum’s final days. I could have written what you wrote. I am lost. She was the other half of me. Still is. The sadness is exhausting. I have told people I’m still finding it hard (nearly 18months on) but the ‘flashbacks’ are like a lightning bolt through me and I feel very panicky like I can still save her even though she has gone. I have asked for a second lot of grief counselling from Sue Ryder. They were so good to me the first time round. My ‘flashbacks’ are so strong and often I’m hiding them now from my husband. It’s a desperate place. Sorry My message doesn’t help much I know but you are not alone. I have started to learn the piano since my mum passed away and it’s been a rewarding and positive thing in my life. I know she would be happy for me.
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Hi Anne, thanks for your lovely reply. I too hide a lot of how I’m feeling from my husband and other people as I feel as though they think I should be over it by now so I don’t say anything. I miss speaking to my mum every day and I miss her hugs. I’m crying writing this and I don’t like feeling like this. I know people say times a great healer , I hope it is!!! Great idea learning to play piano! Take care, big hugs xx♥️
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I lost my Husband 2 years ago, he was in and out of hospital they said he had heart failure, first.they said he had 4 years maybes, left to live, but then it was days, he wanted.to come home on end of life care, he lasted 6 weeks at home , he died.in front of me.i held his hand,.it was the.most traumatic time of my life and still 2 years later i relive that awful moment. Somehow , Ive managed to get by with the love of my Family and friends,
My thoughts are with you all going through this awful time.
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I was with my mum when she died and yes it haunts me. I said to my sister i don’t want to watch mum die - but i did. The mum i saw then looked nothing like the mum who a few days earlier knocked on my door saying you want a bathroom cabinet heres one. That last breathe haunts me.
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I am sorry for all your losses and watching the person you loved pass away in front of you. I had the same with my wife who died of Anorexia the eating disorder. The clinic she was going to said they could not do anything else to help her , she had 13 admissions in the last 3 years of her life. We then had the palliative care team come in but She died with all her family members around her 2 weeks after discharge. This is just my feelings but when she passed away I held her hand and thought you are not in any more pain anymore and you had your family around you when you died. We all have different experiences of being there with the person you love does in front of you . All I can offer is I look back at the many happy times we had together and thank her for giving us 2 wonderful children. Sorry if this is long but just my thoughts and feelings coming from the heart.
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Thanks for replying Sandra, it’s the hardest thing isn’t it, I’m sorry for your loss. I’m trying to take comfort in the fact that other people are going through this too, it’s not just me. I just feel so lost without both parents xxx
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I know exactly what you mean, I was lying next to my mum when she passed and I saw her take her last breath and the image of the heart monitor that the paramedics put at the side of her with her heart getting slower and slower til it stopped breaks my heart. I keep trying to think of happy memories of mum but I can’t get these images out xxx
Sorry for your loss Gaz and thanks for replying. I do try and remember the happy times but they are overshadowed by those last few hours and I can’t shake them off.
I will keep trying and I hope they become less frequent but it helps knowing I’m not alone xxx
I can also relate to the shock of suddenly having no parents. Suddenly being alone without that unconditional love. To me nothing will change that love - it’s kind of frozen in time, I can still feel it and know it. It’s a fact! A beautiful thing that remains forever.
It’s a very strange thing to realise that you now have to be an adult and parent yourself. I can always feel/guess what mum (and my dad) would be saying to me which is reassuring. She’d want me to let go and not be in so much pain. But I can’t. I think at some point I might have to dip my toe in the water of letting go. For my own survival. I’m not sure how practically I’d do it. Maybe put her photo away for a day. Her photos remind me of her love and smiles but equally they also remind me of those last painful days. I can’t ‘put her away’. Like us all I just hope in time it will settle.
I was very lucky to have what I believe is called a visitation dream. I’ve never heard of the term ‘visitation dream’ prior to the dream. One of my friends mentioned it to me When I was telling her about it. Apparently it’s quite common, but not Everybody has them .
In my very vivid dream I saw my mum very well, happy and healthy. She was smiling at me but couldn’t speak. I hugged her excitedly And said to her, “This must be a dream”. (Because she was cremated). She smiled a shruggy smile and then she pulled off running. Running! She was so fit. She climbed a wall and reached out for my hand and with her other hand pointed at the sky. It was nearly night time and amongst dark clouds was an opening of golden sunset coloured clouds. I held her hand and just for a moment I turned my head and felt there was still stuff (music for me, I’m Learning some instruments after a lifetime of wanting to do it, And my mum was a singer and musician, my dad too) I wanted to do. And in that moment - she disappeared. I felt like it was an important message for me. She was well and happy and okay. She said I could go with her, to be honest I have felt suicidal at times, then there is definitely this draw to a passion that is very important to me and I had just started to learn before she passed away and we both knew that it was the best thing that I could do with my life. She always said that Music was the best thing that happened to her and I believe it is the best thing that could happen for me too. It’s definitely what has kept me going since she passed away.
I’m not quite sure why I’m sharing this here! I suppose we never know what happens to our loved ones. I feel like the Love still exists. I asked out loud for her to show me a sign. This dream came the next night or the night after. It was a big comfort. I need to keep revisiting that love I felt in the dream because that IS the most important beautiful thing. But like I said - it’s real work trying to stay sane. I still ask very occasionally for a sign - I feel I get them. Not everyone will think like this. I know I sound absolutely out of my tree! But to others it’s a very real feeling.
I hope you can feel your mums love all around you. Sending hugs. Xx
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It is very difficult. I think our brains are wired to go back to when we last saw someone…and that is not always the most pleasant. I often think about how my Dad looked on the day he passed. When this happens I now try to quickly think of him in a situation where he was happy and healthy, like when he was telling jokes or laughing at a comedy or at the theatre etc. I kind of force the happy memories in now in the hope they will automatically kick in at some point
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