I’ve been thinking of contacting everyone for a few weeks now but have been reluctant to do so. I usually reply to others these days who are new to this journey that I might help them as I’m 34 months on. But more and more recently I find myself asking how am I going to live with this pain. I miss my beautiful son so much. It was a lovely Sunday morning just like today when I got the knock at the door.
I brought him and his sister up on my own and I’m so proud of them both. My daughter has now moved into her own house so I’m alone except for my dog.
In the 2.5 years from my son died I’ve had 5 other family funerals. It just seems like my whole world is disappearing from me. I’ve become so anxious…I jump at the least thing. I dread the phone ringing.
I’m sorry this message has turned into a very ‘poor me’ one and I don’t like that. I know we are all in pain. It’s just so hard.
Orchard , please never apologise because we all have our poor me times and you are normal a very forgiving person. I too don’t enjoy Sunday’s no matter how I try. I also aware that we are all feeling the affects of lockdown on our emotional state and hopefully when things improve we may feel some of the anxiety less. You have been such a tower of strength and you will again because that’s your natural self, give yourself credit and give that dog an extra cuddle because we all need those cuddles and hugs which is just what I want to come and do. The sun will shine on you, take care. Cuddles and hugs being sent🤳🏽xxx
Bless you Susie and thank you. Sometimes it’s just nice to hear a kind heartfelt word. I take hope from you that my strength will return at some point. Although everyone thinks I’ve been so strong all along. And even that doesn’t sit right with me as I question am I not grieving properly. I guess that what’s meant by grief is complicated. Thank you again and I wish you and everyone else love and strength to keep going 
Dear Orchard first and foremost do not apologise for being human! It’s normal for grief to get you in waves. We think we’re through it and then we are as bad as the day it happened. There’s no right or wrong limit of time for grieving someone and feeling the pain that goes with it. So be kind to yourself and let it out. This is a very good place to do so as we are all going through similar pain and the loss of someone we dearly loved.
I don’t think it’s lack of strength that gives us our bad days just the normal journey of grief. You show great strength to get out of bed every day and still carry on with your life so please don’t think of yourself as being weak. The grief journey just is what it is. Up and down and it’s not easy. Instead of thinking you’re not strong why not think of it as falling off the rollercoaster for a while and understand that you just need to say to yourself hey I need to hug myself and just nurture for a while and let the tears out for as long as it lasts.
It’s so hard but everyone here is with you and gets you much love and hugs being sent from Red Poppy 
Thank you so much redpoppy for such kind empathetic words. You have an understanding of grief and an ability to express it.
It’s a very hard journey for everyone. My children have always been my reason for living. They gave me such happiness and love. The pain of not having seen my son for almost 3 years is excruciating.
But your right some days are easier got through than others.
Thank you again and I wish you strength in your own journey