Remembering after 15 years

This is the first year i have actively remembered my father on his birthday. he died 15 years ago on May 6th.
During the Easter weekend when i remembered both my parents, it suddenly came to me during my homeward journey why. Shortly after his death i told my sister that i was not going to visit him because i had come to terms with the loss. At the time this seems OK to me as it still does, especially since my mother dies two years ago.

What i find strange is the sorrow and regret i now feel, like i am catching-up and now have a few year before i may recover to a greater sense of peace. Someone once said to me that it was because i had to be strong for my mother. But i disagree with that and i suppose it will take as long as it takes before i see some form of calm. But i do have the benefit of talking with him over the past two years when i have been visiting.

For the moment my thoughts are with the last fifteen years without remembering him personally or on anniversaries and trying to understand why and what next.