Remembering and cherishing.

Hey Dad, this photo is sore. It was the one chosen for your service card and it physically hurts looking at it and reminding myself what it now represents. It wasn’t a day I was present so it’s fairly impossible thinking of it in a different way. I still can’t stop wanting to watch our programs, movies, eat your favourite foods and I drink tea just as much as you did now. I really feel myself transforming into you! More so with the lockdown - HOW on earth did you stay sane in the house all the time? You’re such an inspiration Dad :sob: honestly you are amazing. ARE! Still continue to be. I’m starting to struggle again. I really do feel I go up and down like waves. One day can be almost easy, I keep busy and do things all day to keep me distracted. But then I get days like today where I’ve only had a few hours rest from crying, I get up and don’t want to leave bed. Just mope around which I think you’d be growling at me for, but it’s hard when you live with two other people. I can only keep my happy mask on for so long before I need some alone time to release it. I used to be quite good at keeping on the mask whenever I needed it and for however long too. But since losing you, it’s fades quick. I’m just desperate to have someone to blather with about you. I was looking forward to meeting up with apprentice Paul and laughing about you but that’s not gonna happen for a long time. It’s funny, I still use your words and nicknames for people. Like ‘Dod fae Ellon’ or ‘Squibs’ or ‘Sensible’. Sometimes I think about what it would’ve been like to have been your friend back in the day and I’m not just saying this but we would’ve been best friends. You were such a ladies man that you’d chat me up I bet LOL! We really are so alike and as I get older I’m honestly starting to look more like you by the day. I miss you Pops, just wanna hear you say ‘I’ve got your back Jack’ or ‘up here for thinking, down there for dancing’ or even to hear your growl! ‘STEPHANIE​:triumph:’! I miss it all so so much. I’m sick of hurting. I honestly can’t wait till I see you again, no matter how soon or far away. Please know I will always love you so much and that I miss you more everyday. Still can’t believe my worst nightmare has came true but I know you’ll stay with me forever. I love you Pops xx

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Hello my Pops, fit like? I hate how much things are feeling like distant memories already! I remember this was just after we lost Granda, you can see how much weight everyone lost especially Grandma! I still adore this photo though. It was always us side by side at family events. I dread to think of the first one without you.
I’ve had a weird week, I’ve felt you near me a lot. Probably because I’ve been really off. I just don’t feel like myself but that’s because I don’t know who I am without you. And when I think about it, all I see in me now is you. How many cups of tea I drink, how much I love sitting in my garden now, how I’ve even started gardening with your supplies from the shed, the music, even what I’m eating! The only thing I can’t bring myself to have… is your chocolate shortbreads. Man, you fucking LOVED those things!! For at least the last 3 years they have been your obsession, I wasn’t allowed in the door without a bag. Tesco’s triple chocolate shortbread, HAD to be Tesco’s ones cause ‘they were the best’. God I miss hearing you live. I miss your stories, the way you explained things, how expressive you were. I really really wish I could go round and sit in your house and just be there for a while. But then it’s not your house anymore because you’re not in it. I really have never felt pain like this in my whole life and trust me: I know pain. The loss of a parent is something that I never anticipated, my only focus was just taking care of you, making sure I seen you plenty every week. You know the only reason I wasn’t over was if I was sick, or I was working or doing uni work. I just really enjoyed your company and I know you did mine because you told me every time! I miss the love I got from you, I really don’t/ will never have that again. I wish I had that same motherly love but it really did all come from you the last few years.
I’m struggling to write anymore for tears so that’s all for now. Love you always, miss you so so much. Xo

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Hey Pops, I hope you’re keeping Muffin company today on what would’ve been his birthday. I’ve been thinking of Auntie Colleen leading up to today so went and tried to cheer her up a little and dropped off a bunch of flowers (chosen by you, I heard ya) and some of her favourite nibbles - making sure she’s eating something! Sorry but the fact that I’m still being thoughtful of others and idk just being a decent person makes me sad… I don’t get that from others yet it plagues me with how I am. I always feel a little annoyed with myself for being that way then forever being disappointed when I have no one to turn to. It breaks my heart more everyday that the one person I’ve always counted on isn’t there anymore. It’s not fair Dad. ‘Life’s nae fair darling’. I hear ya, Pops. Do people just forget that I’m still grieving? Do they just not think that if I seem down, it’s because my hearts breaking over missing my Dad? That he wouldn’t even need to be told what was wrong with me. He’d just know.
I finished the book Final Gifts finally, and it’s left me feeling a little comforted. For so long I hated myself for finding you alone, that I wasn’t there, that I didn’t just leave work like usual and come and check on you. I realise now that you weren’t really alone - I know Granda was waiting for you. Did you have any control over it? Did you know it was happening? Did you want to be on your own? Was there a reason bleach was all over the sink? So many questions that I’ll never have definitive answers for.

That’s all for today. Sorry it’s been a week, the days are really starting to merge into one.
Miss you, love you always xx

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Dear Watt,
This letter to your dad is so touching, he will be watching over you and be by your side. I know that Stan is with me, I feel his presence every day.
I am not preaching but I do believe in the afterlife and I know that when someone is passing one of their loved ones comes for them and helps their transition. In Stan’s case it was his mother, in my brother’s case our dad helped him. my brother had no faith, yet when he came through, he admitted that I was right and that I am always right. I wouldn’t say that. :grinning:

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@MaryL Thank you, writing to my Dad is one thing that does really bring me some comfort. Like he is reading them somehow.
I think there has to be something else - I used to be of the opinion that when your time was up that was it. Now though… I’m not sure, I know I believe in something I just don’t know what. There’s been too much signs. Love never dies, that I believe. We carry on our loved ones through us, in our hearts. Just like Stan will forever be in yours.

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no one would needs to ask how you feel about your Dad Steph,just have to read your beautiful heartfelt words .and lovely that your looking out for your aunty,hope you are finding ways to cope.take care and keep safe.

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Dad, I had the worst day in a while yesterday. Yesterday marked 25 weeks since you left and I couldn’t control my emotions at all. The day started off okay with some breakfast and went slowly downhill after that. I ended up leaving the house in floods and went for an hours walk in the rain by myself. Passers by stared at me walking about in tears but I just ignored them - they don’t know why I’m crying, nor need to. I even ended up having a fight with Jamie because he doesn’t know how to handle it either. He just doesn’t know what to say but doesn’t ask me anything either… no one understands. I know I can’t expect much but surely I can expect some empathy and care? I don’t hear from family really. I don’t hear from any colleagues or much friends. I only have 3 people I can really count on. So many disappointments since losing you - so many times I’ve reached out to people and been let down. I messaged Mandy a week ago and I’m still waiting on a response. Extremely frustrating. When I got back from the walk I just sat in my room listening to Pink Floyd with you pouring my heart out. It never gets easier.
Funny, as I was writing this I got a phone call from my Aunt - first one in months but it was a nice hours chat.
I think I’m just really missing my best friend, the best listening ear in the world. You always made everything better for everyone in your life. I know I’m not the only one missing you, but I’m missing you the most.
Today’s been a slightly better day, here’s hoping this week won’t be awful and the sun will come back to Scotland. That’s all for now, forever missing and loving you. Xoxo

Hey Pops, have one of my favourite photos of us, one of the more recents when I was showing you all the filters! You were so amazed by how fast technology was growing and evolving - you were still excited about watching YouTube videos and I just love you so much for your simplicity. Beautiful reminders about what life is really about and how I just wish that you were still here to remind me. I think I’d be going crazy by now not being able to see you if that possibility was there. I mean, I think I’m going crazy now knowing I can’t just do our knock on the door and hear your living room door opening, awaiting you to answer. It really is the simple things.
Well this week Dad, you’d be amazed at the shifts I’ve been putting into the garden. The grass is cut, the weeds have been pulled and the hedges trimmed. I HAVE A TAN, Dad!! Me!! The biggest milk bottle going yet I’m rosy red/ glowy and I’m just covered in freckles, even on my fingers which I’ve never had before! I’ve really felt you with me a few times this week. I know you never leave me but there’s still some beautiful signs - like a little Robyn sitting right at my window looking me directly in the eye. Or the little feather that blew beside your stand in my room. The hairy witchy that landed perfectly on your Bob Seger display. I put your urn into the sun today so you weren’t missing out, I could hear you jealous of the heat in my ear. It’s so strange sitting on your chairs and cushions without you - being able to smell you but not physically see you really hurts my heart. It took a lot today not to cry when all I could smell was you.
I’ve finished another Elisabeth Kübler-Ross book on Grieving and it really is helping with my process. I’ve realised that I’m not only grieving for you, but I’m grieving for the old me before you left. The old life I had too with you still in it. No one around me understands and the loneliness of it all is so much to bare at times. I think my tears have finally run dry for now which I’m sure you’re glad of. I started watching the second season Afterlife the other day after loving the first season so much. It’s so different watching it when you have some personal experience now and I hit the floor when his father passed - that same call that can change your life forever. Making the call that changes others lives forever. Luckily Jamie was with me and he followed me under the covers and held me whilst I sobbed. I think he does understand up to a point but he just doesn’t know what to say or do because he understands there’s nothing that can make it better. I think that is the problem though, the ‘I don’t know what to do so I’ll just do nothing’. I know he cares about me big time but sometimes your brain convinces you the opposite. Just wish we could run away to the county for a few days and be in our own isolation.
I think you left knowing I was in good hands. I think you knew it was time soon and you could only have left if there was someone to catch me when I fell. Grateful I have him everyday, even though I can be ratty at times and he can be useless at other times. No one is perfect!
6 months has been and went, here’s hoping the next 6 won’t be so heartbreaking, although I have a feeling it’s just going to get worse.

Love you pops, missing you more everyday.
xxxxx

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Hey Dad, I’m desperate to write to you today but the words are becoming a bit of a struggle. There’s been a couple of things come to mind that I really want to do yet I just haven’t? I really want to message your dick of a landlord and ask if I can go back to your place. You see, Stan got in touch to ask for the keys back before I had finished properly emptying and cleaning your place. It was also meant as a last fuck you to him considering how terrible he’d treated you as a landlord that in my mind I thought ‘you clean it up since you never bothered to sort the place when you were told’. You never even had hot water or central heating and he never implemented any changes despite being ordered by the court to do so. I was so mad. When I handed the keys back, he was so rude and disrespectful- I had to walk away reminding myself not to punch a pensioner! Now though, with all this time I have and just wanting to go round to yours - I wonder what he’d say if I asked him if I could empty and clean it now? The worst he could say was no, I suppose but I’m not sure. I also really want to call your doctor and just have a chat about your last visits. I know I couldn’t have changed it, I’m just curious I guess. The main answers I need is things we would’ve got from a Post Mortem - but that never happened.
The last thing I know I need to do is call Grandma. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her - it’s fear. Auntie Colleen said on the phone how confused she’s getting and the last few calls they’d had, she was asking for Dad and why he hasn’t called her. I don’t feel strong enough to handle that conversation, and it’s why I’ve put it off for so long now. Why do things need to get harder at an already very hard time? I never catch a break. It’s exhausting.
Missing you more, loving you more. Xox

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Hey Dad, you know I think I actually remember us graffitiing the shed and I remember when you painted and refused to paint over our drawings. You were quite the sentimental old fuddy duddy biker and I loved you for it.
I feel like this past week has been another rollercoaster. My emotions have been all over the place with mini crying fits at random points but I will say, I’m getting better at having out whatever emotion I need to, then getting on with it. I’ve been pretty brave I think. I called Grandma and it went exactly how I thought it would with the first thing she asked was ‘have you seen your Dad?’ then immediately corrected herself. I didn’t know what to say and hung up quite quick afterwards. Colleen’s prepared me for next time though, and I’ll say ‘he’s fishing with Granda’. She’s such a strong lady. I also text your landlord and just asked the question. I had to ask, I was literally having dreams about it and your place. I realised it’s because to me, it’s still your place. Yeah, I’d emptied the things I was keeping out, but it was still full of your things and the decor. I didn’t get a chance to make it not yours anymore, you’ll know what I mean. I think I just want any excuse to be closer to you. The next thing on the list is calling your Doctor, I just need to do these things for my own mental health really. It’s little bits of closure that I just need.
I’ve tried to keep myself distracted with new tv shows and movies to binge but I shit you not, they’ve all had a Father pass away in them and it absolutely rips my heart to pieces. I don’t think seeing things like that will ever get easier. The missing you just grows everyday. The hurt of everything. The dreams, nightmares, flashing images I get in my head constantly of memories, your final week and all the things I’d now do differently. I can hear you telling me to ‘gie it a rest quine’ but I can’t help it. The worst thing that could have ever happen to me has happened and the weight of it all gets heavier week by week. I think counselling might be an idea again but we shall see.

As always, missing you and loving you very very much.
Love, ‘your darling daughter’ as you always called me.
Xoxo

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Hey Poppy, I’ve had another sad reminder today on this app of how much time we spent together and how much we enjoyed each others company. There’s not many 22 year olds that would choose a Friday night in with their Dad over being with their mates. I remember how much you hated me growing up. You hated when I started choosing being with my friends all the time, you understood completely but I know you wanted me with you whenever was possible. I love you for that. I love how much you fought for me over Mum too. I know how difficult she made things for you, never even got to come to a school play or anything. She even reported you to my primary school when you used to come see me at break times. ‘Weird man’ she called you but all you wanted to do was watch your daughter grow - play with friends, dig for worms in the playground, give me a sweetie to share with friends after lunch. It actually breaks my heart seeing photos of us at school, and you’re behind the fence like some kind of criminal you want kept away from kids. I know how much it hurt you, but I always told you you were the best Daddy there ever was. Ever. No one will take that from you, from us. I just want to tell you how much I love you. How much I miss you. Hear your voice, little songs, see your dancing feet again. I have so much life ahead of me and without you, it’s a very scary and daunting thought. I just wish more than anything you and Jamie got to meet. I’ve never been so sure of someone so early on, and I just know you’d have loved him. It wasn’t that long before you left that I’d shown you a picture of Jamie and the dog, and you looked at him for a minute and said ‘yep, he looks like a lovely man for you, his smile reaches his eyes’. I wonder if that was the confirmation you needed to slip away quietly. You knew I was left in good hands and wouldn’t be completely alone. I talk about being alone in my grief because you are: your grief is your own. At the very beginning it was different, I remember the first few nights after I found you. It’s a blur, but I was just in complete shell shock. Jamie just held me. If I woke up in the middle of the night screaming in tears, he’d hold me and cry with me. We’d talk to you (the ceiling) and I’ll never forget what he said ‘don’t worry Dod, I’ll take very good care of your girls’. The next morning, all his hats had fallen off their pins in the wall -which had never happened before. I think you were saying thank you. I owe him a lot, I owe you even more. I honestly cannot wait to be reunited with you and give you the biggest hug. It won’t be soon I know, but just knowing the day will one day come is enough for now.
That’s all for today. I’m away to go blast Bob Dylan and pretend you’re listening with me. Love you so much Dad, miss you even more.
Your darling daughter
Xox

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Beautiful words again Steph,
Can imagine the hurt your dad felt missing out on some of your childhood.
Damn heart breaking,Wasnt your fault how your mum acted.Sad though to hear
what your dad went through,Well both of you really.
no offence intended.
regards ian

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Oh the things I’d do to turn back in time and get a ‘coxy cozy’ from you. Where did that term come from Pa? You’ve always called a piggy back that and it’s times like these that makes me sad I can’t just ask you. I’ve even tried googling it and had no luck.
Well Dad, it’s been another couple weeks of missing you till my heart bursts with hurt. I can’t stop thinking about all the time I have left on this planet without you and it’s just unbearable sometimes. I’ve been thinking a lot about your phone - I’ve not turned it on for months. It started ringing the day after I found you and I turned it off in fear of having to try explain what’s happened. I wasn’t ready. The day I found you I wrote all the numbers down in my notepad so I wouldn’t need to keep turning it on. But now, after all this time, my curiosity is going crazy. I want to see your photos and go through some stuff. There’s also your tablet that I’ve not even turned on. I don’t know why I’m putting it off - the fear of crying so hard I’m sick? Crying so hard I have a panic attack? Stir up my anxiety again? Yeah, probably all of those. Apart from a few short crying outbursts at random points - I’ve managed to hold it together. I’ve been avidly reading and it’s helped distract my mind. I can’t help thinking about the next hurdle I have to get through in a couple weeks. I dreaded my birthday, Christmas, New Year, your birthday… but this one is hitting me different. My first Fathers Day without you. The adverts for gifts has started, ads on social media keep popping up too - there’s no getting away from it. When I’m not reading, this is usually where my mind is. Even when I get through that, there’s always a next thing to ‘get through’ and it is mentally exhausting. I love you Dad, I hate not having my best friend. More than words can really convey. My relationship with J has been a little bumpy the last couple weeks and I know that usually id have ran away to yours to rant, get things off my chest, skin up and feel better just being around you. You’d always say something witty or wise or just plain hilarious to make me laugh. You went on about my smile, ‘show us your teeeeth’. ‘Let’s see the big cheesy grin’. I hope you know you brought me just as much happiness as I did you. Really.
I’ve been making sure to see Colleen and give her a little visit here and there. I know it’s what you’d want me to be doing. I’m sorry I’ve not called Grandma again - I just really can’t face having that conversation with her again and her asking me where you are. Sometimes I feel like Colleen judges me for it because her and Mandy are both dealing with that conversation - but they didn’t have to have that when we lost Granda. It’s not even been a year, and it’s the most acute loss I have ever had to deal with. I’m starting to branch out and have little conversations with people - just socially. But it’s like I’ve forgotten how to be around anyone. 7 months inside and having no interaction except with my partner and flat mate, it’s like, how do you do small talk again? How do you not mention how heartbroken you are when someone asks? Do I just lie and pretend? I used to be so good at that, but it’s different. This is different. I’ll get there I know Pops. For now, I’ll continue to take you everywhere and talk to you and pretend you’re answering back.
That’s all for now, I miss you. I love you.
Your darling daughter, Steph xx

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Hi Watt92.
I lost my dad suddenly in March, growing up I was a self confessed daddy’s girl, throughout my teenage years the grief of my parents divorce meant our relationship became distant and strained. But at heart I was still my dads girl. The shock of losing him so sudden and before we could smooth out our problems has devastated me. Last night, 11 weeks since he died, I decided to look for help. I found this site and this thread was one of the first I saw.
I’m currently struggling with insomnia and lay awake last night in our spare room reading through your messages to your dad and I just wanted to say thankyou. You’ve made me feel like I’m not the only one feeling how I do, right down to the anxiety and having to deal with chit chat- I guess the lockdown hasn’t helped but in a way has also provided me with an excuse.
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your lovely dad, I’d like to say I feel your pain- being in a similar position but I don’t. I don’t think anyone can feel the way we do as individuals. Keep talking to dad, for your comfort and peace but also because you dont know how many others you are helping. :heart::blue_heart: Sending you a big hug xx

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Hi @Alliecal, thank you so much for your reply. I started this thread really for myself to write to my Dad. I do have a journal but there’s something about being slightly public with my emotions - I’d never do this on the likes of Facebook but I feel safe to do it around others who know on some level how it feels. I’m glad you’ve taken some comfort in my words - being young and losing my best friend has affected me in every negative way possible. A lot of tears, despair, insomnia, anxiety and lots of panic attacks. This has been the only rest-bite I’ve found from it as I struggle to talk to those around me. It sometimes feels a bit silly and obvious to cry about missing my Dad to people so I do this alone. For me, it’s been the shock of his sudden death and the fact that I found him dead at home has definitely caused some kind of ptsd - the shaking, the night terrors, waking up in tears from the nightmares. I keep reminding myself grief is the price for love and I know I’ll be suffering a long time with it as my Dad was everything to me and everyone who knows me knows how special my Dad and I’s relationship was. Keep talking about him. Keep him present. Don’t let his spirit die, don’t let go of the love and don’t forget it. It’s hard not to get lost in the grief but it’s only there because of the love :heartbeat:
Blessings to you and sorry for your loss. Xxx

You are so right, the pure rawness of the grief we feel is because of the sheer love we have for them and the gaping holes they leave in our lives. My heart goes to you, it must have been a very traumatic experience to have to deal with- finding your dad. I have no words, I just cant imagine how you must feel, but know -you have someone here that is prepared to listen and offer support, I dont know how you feel, but I do know what it feels like to miss my dad. You’ve inspired me to start writing a private blog, messages to my dad, things I didnt get to say, and things I would say to him about how if feel as if he were here. As much as we fought I feel he was the only person who truely knew me as a person, now that I’ve lost that I feel I’ve lost myself. Take each day, hour, minute as it comes. Grief creeps up on you suddenly and in the most unexpected ways. I hold you and your dad in my thoughts xx

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That’s my Pops :heartbeat: love this photo of you so much. LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Oh Dad, I would honestly kill to jump in the car and drive over to your house. Do that special knock, hear the front room opening, your wee footsteps approaching the door and seeing that big grin on your face seeing your visitor. I miss you I miss you I miss you :sob: I just can’t find a way out of my head just now. It honestly feels like I’ve been losing it this week - I wish I could get some of your wonderful advice. I could use a turn off button for my thought so bad - it’s affecting me so negatively. I feel so off - I’ve not felt so bad about myself in so long. I feel so insecure about everything. I feel like no one can be arsed with me. I feel like my relationship is heading to a really rough patch and I don’t know if it’s just me being insecure and doubting everything, or if my thoughts are valid and I’m not imagining things. I actually hate social media for making girls feel so inferior unless you look or act a certain way. I need my Dad fix where you’d hype me up a bit to appreciate myself a bit more. Or you’d tell me how proud you are of me and how much you appreciate my time but really it was me appreciating YOUR time!

I’m struggling just now Dad. My mentals are weak, and my body is feeling the same. There’s so much I want to do but just can’t and I’m feeling trapped physically and mentally. I wish you could tell me what to do :pensive:
Love you, miss you so so so much.
Steph x

Hey Pops, gosh I miss you.
I cant believe you’re on this app as reminders now. I just wish so much it was present. It’s been a while since I’ve been online because honestly I don’t know what to say. I don’t talk about it anymore because I find it pointless. People know I miss you, people know I’m hurting so what’s the point bringing it up all the time? Everything still reminds me of you and everything still relates to you in some way. Jamie will talk about something and I’ll go ‘oh yeah Dad used to do/ say that’… and that’s how the story goes now for the rest of my life. That thought is so daunting on me. It still hurts Dad, just as much as the start. I just can’t even explain how much I miss you. As soon as I try think about it, it brings me to tears every time. I still haven’t turned on your phone out of fear… I don’t know what fear this is but it’s there. I still think about it most days. I’ve moved your phone from my bedroom to the living rooms so much I have no idea why. I put your leather jacket on on Father’s Day and felt you beam a little. I still feel things Dad I just don’t know what they mean sometimes. Fathers Day probably hurt me the most - the more I dreaded it, the worst it became. I went to bed crying, I woke up and just sobbed. I sobbed all the way to the bridge where you’re scattered, and I cried when I was there. I don’t think I’d ever missed a Father’s Day text/ call/ visit ever so it was just… awful. I dodged social media for a few days before and after. I couldn’t bare to see others post about their Dad’s. I was so disappointed when I barely heard from anyone either - not even my own Mum. I don’t know what I expect from people but it feels like those I thought cared, just don’t.

Forever in such a downer these days, hopefully the sun will come back soon. Miss you, love you, your darling daughter. X

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Such a sad photo, Steph x

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@MaryL the situation is so very sad Mary, as it will always be. X

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