Remembering and cherishing.

[Watt92]

I just wanted to create a space for myself, and others if they feel like it, to post photos, random memories of their loved one. I’m really really missing my Dad, everyday seems to get worse just now. Daily life is moving on, yet inside my head stays the same. Just thoughts, memories, images in my head that I wanted a place to post for myself to look back on.

Here’s my first one, this really sums up us and how our relationship was. We laughed ALOT! This photo was taken on our first and only solo father daughter holiday to Amsterdam! It was one of Dads dreams to visit his favourite place so in October 2016, I booked the two of us a trip over to stay on a house boat! Dads health was really bad then, and I wanted to make sure he’d have a good time even if he couldn’t leave where we were staying. What better place to be stuck on than your own boat in Amsterdam with your daughter! It was such a good trip but it was so hard to see him struggle. The first time I’ve ever had to get Dad a wheelchair because the airport was too big, he couldn’t make it walking he was so breathless One night we got lost and it was bloody freezing! Dad was so cold only in a wee jacket so I took off all my outer layers to give to him. Even offered him a coxy cosie but he managed very slowly himself. I’m still glad we got to go though. I’ll never forget it.
It was hard to stay sad around Dad. I remember not long before he passed, I was so stressed with uni. Studying counselling was really emotionally difficult and I was starting to bring up a lot of personal struggles in class. I’d always walk up to my Dads after class, and one week I walked up in floods of tears. I’d been speaking a lot about how much I’d had to face in my small 26 years and it all just hit me in the face. I got to Dads, feeling very quiet. He asked what was wrong. In a much calmer way, feeling a lot less stressed I spoke to him about how hard life was getting, that I was struggling with the load of work, uni, seeing him and asked if he’d take advantage of his ASDA and Tesco apps I’d set him up on. Just one less Worry for me, that he’d always have food in his fridge. I still feel so lost not getting to see my Dad anymore. It’s all hitting that im never gonna get to see him again, never gonna get to make another cup of tea, fill his teabag and sugar pots up for him, put food in his fridge, start a coal fire, turn his tv switch on so he wouldn’t need to bend too much, give him a hug, see his smile, see him tap his feet to a good tune.
I try not to focus on this too much but some days are hard. I know people will understand.

Any photos or memories, please feel free and safe to share.

X

[Watt92]

The first, and probably last picture my mum and Dad took of all of us together. I treasure it now, even though mum and I don’t see eye to eye.
I’m really missing Dad, I can’t say that enough. The older I get, the more I see our similarities. Both quite quiet and don’t like to be centre attention. Both so comfortable staying at home instead of going out. Both love our family so much. Both have a small group of loyal friends. I just wish I could ask him how he’s doing, or what he’s having for tea, how the bike is or just hear his voice again.

I’ve come across a WhatsApp video message he’s sent me a couple years ago and I’m too scared to open it. Maybe I’ll feel brave in a while.

Wishing for my old life back with me old Dad

[Watt92]

What an amazing childhood you gave me Pops. I don’t know literally anyone else who shared my upbringing at all. No one else my age getting picked up on motorbikes. Crashing biker parties with my Dad, worrying about my hair and makeup more than my own safety. I think I’ve moved to denial. I just can’t do it. It’s not that I think he’s still here, I just can’t accept that I will never see him again. I can’t keep talking about it with my partner or friends because I just feel others awkwardness. They just don’t know what to say and to be honest I don’t anymore either. I just go round in circles, it does feel like I’m losing it in my head a little. However when I’m around others, I can just sit in still silence. Kind of hold it together.

Today I went to my Dad’s shed. Things had started going mouldy so I’m in the middle of trying to save it. It’s heartbreaking being in there, Dad built it all himself and it was bigger than his little flat. It’s full of his old tools, biker stuff, photos, my drawings/ graffiti that he refused to paint over I really hope he knew what an incredible Dad he was. I mean I did tell him, lots of times but I hope he believed me.

Heavy heart tonight.

[MaryL]

Thank you, Watt, I deleted it myself. The typing was atrocious, it appeared to be in Chinese.

[MaryL]

A lovely photo, Watt.

[Watt92]

I love this photo despite it brings me so much pain, as it’s a cruel reminder that my family is dwindling away. There’s only 1 man remaining from this photo. I’m in disbelief. We were all so happy back then, just chavvin on with life. My poor uncle Alan who we lost 6 months before my Dad. My poor auntie in the photo is at her wits end. I feel by the time I hit my 40’s I’m not going to have much family left. I just find it so cruel and unfair, how much time I’ve been robbed of compared to others. I’m only 27. 27!!! And I’ve lost so many people already, I can’t fathom it. I try not to have a ‘pity party’ but I can’t ignore what I’ve been through in life anymore since the loss of Pops. The worse thing is, all I want to do is talk to him about it. Hear his soothing voice. The memories that come to me are usually just simply being around him, sitting in his house, ‘you dinna fancy sticking on the kettle do ya?’, the things I’d do to hear him say that again. It’s been another hard day. Someone told me that I should try ‘push myself and go back to work’. Easy for others to say that haven’t had such a loss and maybe don’t work with a 25 people team!

Angry today. It’s not fudging fair. I want Dad

[MaryL]

A lovely family photo, Watt92, I can understand your distress at losing so many members of your family, you are very young to be going through this. At my age 80, I expect it. It is still very hard but the progression of life. x x

[Watt92]

Hello handsome Father of mine. It’s been a little while since I’ve been online, if I dare I say it, I had a semi good week. There’s been tears a couple times out the blue but on the whole I’ve managed to have a fairly normal week. I’ve spent a lot of time with my friends and boyfriend, and even managed going out for dinner a couple times which was huge to me. I think I’m starting to accept the fact that I might cry at any moment, and that’s okay. No one is judging me for getting upset at losing my Dad. I’ve accepted that I’m having a good week, and not feeling bad about it. If anything, I’m still hearing Dad in my ear telling me to go enjoy my life cause it’s exactly what he wants, and what he wants is to see me smiling, not locked in my room crying anymore. It’s Dads birthday on Thursday, and I’m booked in to get my first tattoo as a tribute to him. I’ve wanted a tattoo for years but I’ve never been 100% on what I wanted. Now, it’s easy. A Dad and daughter on a motorbike, with my Dads date of birth in Latin. I’m still nervous cause needles are my biggest fear, but I’m kitted out with numbing cream, my two best friends and even the tattooist is a friend of mine. I know I’ll be fine, always with my Dad round my neck too. I wonder what you’d say to me… I bet you’d shed a tear. You were always an emotional man, and showed me what a true man was: someone who showed their feelings, someone who if I said I needed to speak to them about something, he’d mute the TV and turn and give me full attention. I don’t get that anymore and it’s what I’m missing most. Just having my bestest friend in the world to talk to, to part his wisdom… he was always right.
In the last week I’ve met with a couple of your friends for coffee, and even managed to get a hold of one of your longest friends who heartbreakingly didn’t know the sad news I don’t think those conversations will ever be easy but I’ve organised a birthday BBQ at his sheddy on Sunday. I’ve invited the close pals and ordered a fire pit so we can relax in your space, with your friends the way you’d love to do it. Just wish you were there

That’s all for today, keep parting wisdom in my ear. I know you’ll stay with me forever. Hold my hand on Thursday, I’ll definitely need your lion strength. Love you always, miss you more today, and even more tomorrow. Xox

[Watt92]

Hey Pops, it’s me again. Look what I did!! I still can’t actually believe I managed to sit there being poked at by needles for two hours… I KNOW you were there with me, ‘get it done or nae mare Buffy’. Ha!
I had to cancel your BBQ today because of all this Coronavirus! I bet you’d be so scared right now. I never came near if I had a cold, let alone a potential deadly virus. I still don’t know what I think of it all but it’s not enough to take my mind off YOU. We went for a drive along your favourite route today. God I love my boyfriend and best friend. I just had your music up full, tears flowing down my face the whole time visualising you out on the bike. I really really miss you. It’s the worst about it all. I managed to open up your WhatsApp recording and it had me in bits. Just hearing your voice again, it’s my favourite sound in the whole world. You used to sing me to sleep, either rubbing my back or forehead. The one from Jungle Book… ‘Daddy’s hunting in the forest, Mummy’s cooking in the home, I must go and fetch the water, till the day that I am grown’. Do you remember? I can still hear you singing it. I’m so scared that I might forget it; I mean how could I? But life is unpredictable and beautiful and heartbreaking. That’s all for today, stay with me. Xo

[Watt92]

Hey Pops, I thought I’d choose a picture that makes me smile because heaven knows I need it. I’m so fed up. I’m fed up of time going by and I have to ‘get used’ to not having you in my life. I can’t even begin to describe what it’s like not having you to talk to anymore. You’re here in spirit but you know what I’m like, I actually need to hear your calming voice. I’m fed up of people. People going on about this ‘virus’ that I’m still not convinced even exists. How can it get this much coverage yet things like mental health and suicides are pushed aside?! I get it’s scary, but what’s more scary is the economy and how everything will survive after. I’m fed up of being signed off, I was supposed to be trying to go back to work this week but that hasn’t happened. I’m sick of any distractions that take me away from YOU! I’m sick of people thinking I should be ‘over it’. I’m sick of people not thinking of others. I’m sick of people being so caught up in their shit, they don’t see the bigger pictures. To be quite honest Dad, if the virus is real and I do catch it, it won’t be the worst thing. Least I know I’ll have my favourite human waiting for me on the other side. I wish I could give you a nicer post but I was always honest with you about how things were, and I don’t think I should stop that now. Everything is f**ked. Wish you could be here for a bosie, hugging into your shirts aren’t quite the same.

Love you always, miss you even more. Xox

[MaryL]

[Watt92]

Hey Pops. Flike? Foo’s yer do’s? Wish I could reply with ‘aye pick in’ but things are getting worse as time goes on. I’m no longer coping anymore, I’m so angry, I’m so pissed off and I’m so heartbroken I can’t talk to you about any of it. ‘Ah toots’. What I would give to hear you people are so self righteous, just have to put their two pence in. I can’t be done with it anymore. There’s so much uncertainty in life and now there’s even more if that’s possible. I might not even have a job to go back to after all this. Davie has lost his livelihood of the taxi. I haven’t seen grandma in 3 weeks now cause of this virus, it’s just not worth the risk. I haven’t heard from people, despite everyone just being at home. You can’t even use the ‘busy’ excuse anymore, why it’s so frustrating. I think people just forget about you. Maybe I’m being selfish, but what’s wrong with wanting some reassurance and comfort from family? I feel it’s the least they could do. Really feel like giving up. My mental health is the worst it’s ever been, and I’ve been so suicidal when I was a teen. I know you don’t know anything about that but like you, I never wanted to worry you. I guess I was also scared of being accused as an ‘attention seeker’ and back then, mental health wasn’t as important. I just feel like crying all the time and there is nothing to distract me from the sheer pain I feel. It doesn’t help that I’m still not sleeping well and I know things are x100 when I’m tired.
Just wish you could sing me to sleep with our lullaby. Might try some Simply Red tonight, it worked when I was a baby…
Missing you more than ever. Loving you more than ever too. Xox

[Jianye]

hi Watt
please try to stay strong,i know from reading your posts that going be very difficult after losing your dad,who was everything to you,but please just at least try.there are lots of people who would help if you give us a chance.
warm regards
ian

[Watt92]

Hey Pops, I miss you I miss you I miss you. I miss you so much sometimes it feels like I’m going crazy. I appreciated you so much but now I convince myself I never appreciated you enough. I’m having so much thoughts come up since being locked in the house. I still hear your voice in my head all the time. All the funny noises you used to make, the funny names you had for things, the way you used to explain everything and always end it with a ‘thats ah it is, darling’. So self assured.
I keep thinking what you’d make of all this Coronavirus. You’d be worried for yourself and Grandma and Colleen, definitely. I’m so gutted I can’t see Grandma just now, it’s giving me serious anxiety that I might get another dreaded call from the hospital and none of us would have seen her for ages due to the virus restrictions. I’m so glad you managed to get the best service, the one you truly deserved. I do feel so proud of what I organised, what I somehow managed to pull off despite not sleeping and crying all day everyday. I’ll never forget the last time we seen you with the family. Your hair had been washed, you’d been given a bath, it was just all wrong. That wasn’t you! But I’m glad I had a ponytail in that day, and I took mine out and gave you one instead. We all broke down after that, saying it was more you. I could feel you there with us that day. It’s weird how you can feel these things but you and I were always so connected.
I received a beautiful parcel from your friend Yvonne yesterday, a mug with a bumblebee like your necklace with ‘don’t worry be happy’. Exactly what you’d be telling me right now. Your friends are truly wonderful, I know you’d be so happy at how much they’ve looked out for me. ‘Chill Winston’. ‘Because IM the Daddy!’ ‘He’s eating her FACE!’ Still get phrases popping up in my head all the time that you used to say. I still can’t believe you’re not here anymore sometimes. It’s fucking awful. There’s literally so much I want to ask you, so much everyday life that reminds me of you yet I bet when I see you again, all I’ll be able to do is give you the biggest hug ever and not let go.
I’ll probably be posting more regularly due to being at home, it feels good writing down thoughts and memories and reading back. Miss you always, love you always. Your loving daughter, Stephanie. Xox

[Watt92]

Hey Dad, I love how much photos we have together. Literally a timeline of my whole wonderful life with you by my side. I literally miss you more everyday and I sit amazed every night at how much love I have for you. With all the time off, and the lockdown I’ve had so much time to think. I still can’t get over the shock of everything. I know there’s no really one awful way, but there’s something worse about sudden deaths. It just catches you, a piece of me died with you that Sunday, 22 weeks ago this coming Sunday. I’ve never felt a state of numbness like that before, the actual physical ache in my chest from my broken heart, hearing you getting carried out the bathroom while we sat in the living room. It was horrifying. I can’t believe I didn’t throw up everywhere I was just like a ghost. I had a really bad night last night, I think I passed out just before 6am. One of your songs came on randomly on Spotify, when I wasn’t even listening to your playlist and it just sent me into deep sorrow. I cried for hours. I miss you I miss you I miss you. Saying once just isn’t enough. It needs emphasised, there’s a big hole in my heart where you were. I keep messaging people I know/ members of my family asking if they have enough supplies, as it’s something I did all the time for you. As hospitals are staff only zones at the moment and I’ve been feeling guilty about not seeing grandma, I managed to message an old school friend who works there, and she delivered some flowers and shortbread from us. Hopefully that’ll give her a little smile, I’m gonna call her tomorrow.
It’s funny, after my last post about singing your friends praises I’ve had such a negative experience with one today. One who gave me a bit of a hard time about being ‘the last to know’. Despite me trying to call with no answer, despite me putting it all over social media, despite pubs sharing the news among the old crew, despite me putting it in the paper… twice. The announcement and then the details of the service. Now he’s messaging asking for something, without so much of an ask of how I’m doing AND THEN has the cheek to ask me if I know Pauline and her ‘sad news’. The hell? Haven’t seen that woman since I was like 12, I know Dad hadn’t seen her for years and she honestly acted like it was her husband. Her son harassing me with messages on Facebook demanding I call her. This same friend telling me how ‘devastated’ she is. Are people even real?! HE WAS MY DAD!! I devoted all my life to him but especially the last few years with his illness. More crappy distractions when all I wanna do is think of all our memories. The countless camping trips. The countless days listening to your stories. The countless bosies. The countless drives on the bike. Just being yourself around me, never ever putting on a front. Always were the most genuine and down to earth person. I miss you so much Dad I can’t stop saying it. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve seen you. Your gloves and clothes still smell like you. I can never just go to sleep like normal anymore. It’s like I need to wait to the point of total physical exhaustion and because we’re sitting in the flat all day, I can sit up really late… or early, depending on how you wanna look at it. If I even try, I just lie and stare at the ceiling visualising your face. The tears just pour and it hurts too much to cry myself to sleep anymore. I literally wake up and my eyes are bright red.

Let’s try watching Jungle Book tonight Pops, wish you could sing me the lullaby.
Love you x

[Watt92]

Hey pops, it’s hard to choose a favourite photo of us but this is definitely a contender. Look at the love pouring out of us, cheesy big grins and the way you’re looking at me brings the tears. Finally going to get the original fixed after it fell in the fire. I had a memory come to me that I really wanted to post. I don’t remember you ever being the Dad that hogged the remote - I remember you watching the odd thing but you always handed it back to me. You gave me so much freedom and control, despite you always reminding me that ‘IM the daddy’! I remember when I started going in town to hang out with friends. If you’d had a beer, you’d give me money for a taxi. If you didn’t have enough, you’d give me bus fares and tell me to call you 5 mins away so you could walk and meet me at the bus stop. I remember one occasion where you’d gave me a lift into town on the bike, you always dropped me off across from the Academy centre next to the statue. We got off the bike, I took my helmet and handed it to you. You reached into your pocket and pulled out a £20, and a £5 note. You said it was all the money you had left for the week… then you put the £20 in my pocket. ‘What kind of Dad would I be if I canna provide for my girl?’ I don’t lie or exaggerate when I say you were the best there was. Selfless, loved me to the bones. I couldn’t have asked for a better Dad, you taught me everything I ever needed in life and I’ll forever be grateful to you. Even now, all the saving up you did over the years of your disability money. Seeing what you lived off of to give me a better future. The countless times I asked you to give me your card so I could decorate, buy you a sofa bed, new carpets etc but you always said you were fine the way you were. The most unmaterialistic person I’ve ever met, all you needed was your girls and your bike. I miss you Dad, I miss you more and more everyday. Every hour, minute, second I’m thinking of you and our beautiful memories.
Love you x

[Jianye]

hi Watt92
thats a lovely picture and beautiful heartfelt words.
that would be a great picture to have tattooed on your body,
or blown up and framed .just hope this pandemic ends good for us all.
regards
ian

[Watt92]

Hi Ian, thank you, it’s all the complete truth and from the heart. That’s a fantastic idea - I can see me starting a sleeve after my first tattoo going so well, my whole left arm dedicated to my Dad.
Hope you’re keeping safe. Kind regards.

[Jianye]

hi Watt92 your very welcome.
sounds like a plan,to get a sleave dedicated to you Dad.ive got 3 tattoos dedicated to Jayne,thinking if im still alive after this pandemic is over.will get another but thinking of words,my feelings about Jayne,or an exact copy of words in Jaynes hand writing that she put on the cards sent to me over the years.
im ok if being in tears most days and missing my baby Jayne like crazy every second of every minute of every hour etc think you get the picture.
but I muddle on and its hard to find words to try comfort other people when im always feeling like this.not looking for sympathy just being honest about how I real feel all the time.ive decided to stay in ,im ordering shopping online and waiting till its declared safe to do so.not that im worried about catching this virus,but im worried if im one of those with the virus whose got it but not showing symptoms dont want be responsible for giving others this thing.thats why the powers that be need to find a way to get every one tested see if they’ve had it or got it.oh well sorry for droning on,im going back on youtube to listen to more music.
take care and try stay safe.

[Watt92]

Hey Dad, I loveeee this photo! Two of my favourite men has joined Valhalla and I’ve been feeling more and more alone. Last night was a really bad night again. I think I sobbed for hours on my own. Usually when everyone’s in bed, and I can’t stop my busy head it all comes pouring out. I just wish I could still talk to you. You sent me songs on YouTube last night, I was on my own playlist yet after speaking to you out loud you sent Rolling Stones - Miss You. I can bet anything that I miss you more. I miss going to your house, doing our special knock and waiting for the noise of the front room opening, knowing you were just away to open the door. I remember growing up, you used to open the handle with your knee… I remember how proud you were when I finally reached the right height to do it just like you. I always idolised you, even in the smallest things. I wanted to do them just like you, the Daddy way, the right way. I just keep picturing you in my head, hearing your voice and wondering what you’d be telling me just now. I wish I could drive your bike, I feel the closest to you there. Or on the sofa which is where I’ve been sleeping the last few nights. No one asks about me anymore. 5 months and I guess I should be back to normal? I think grieving in this period is the worst thing to happen to us. All the possibilities are gone, all the distractions gone, we’re all just stuck in this frozen period of grief. And boy, let me tell you, the grief is so raw and unbearable at times. The missing you, the what ifs, the what could’ve been, the possibilities, the conversations, the songs, the memories, the good times and the bad ones. No wonder I’m left with such a mixture of emotions. I can be crying my heart out but hear you in my ear saying something funny or silly and make myself smile again. Sometimes I don’t want to smile, or laugh or feel happy. Sometimes I just want to pour my heart out to the ceiling, telling you everything that’s been going on, how I’ve been feeling and coping, asking you if you’ve got plenty food, a full jar, a special treat. I would’ve done anything for you Pa. If donating a lung would’ve helped you, I’d have done it without even thinking. Part of me kicks myself for not seeing it I could’ve offered more, anything to have kept you around longer.
I’m so sad and I’m so tired of being sad. Not living but existing day to day. Crying when I do small things like put the kettle on, hearing you in my ear ‘fancy making me a cuppa tea?’ I think I would kill to hear you again. One last bosie. One last conversation. One last song. One last program. One last visit. One last cuppa. Just one more something with you, I’d cherish it always. I wish I dreamed of you, or if I did at least remember it.
How do I keep talking about you without everyone going awkward? How do I keep your spirit living if there’s only one person I can really talk to about any of it? It’s not even talking really, I just say the same things over and over but she listens. Just I miss my Dad I miss my Dad I miss my Dad. I know one things for sure after all this, I am going to be driven crazy with missing you and going round and round in circles.

That’s all for now. Guess what?? I miss you I miss you I miss you, and I love you I love you I love you. Just like The Beatles. All my love always Pa. x