Hi to my fellow travellers in grief,
We all have up and down times don’t we, but down times seem to just fill you with such sadness. It was my wife’s birthday a few days ago and I took myself off to Southwold, its of the Suffolk coast, a place that I went to a lot with my wife and family.
Last year, our first apart, I placed a rose and a poem at the end of the pier, I also took a picture and bought a card for her and some flowers. I wrote some words in the card and put a copy of my poem and a picture of me by the rose on the pier inside the card and sealed it up. I won’t open it up but my children will when its my turn to be a memory and find a snap shot into the past of sorts.
It just goes to show how you do heal, or I suppose get used to the life after. Last year I was in tears picking a card for my sweetheart, this year I spent time looking at the cards to find the right one, the words had to be sincere and as though I said them, to be fair, I always did that but last year it was so raw, so painful, almost unnatural and wrong to even think of buying a card for a wife that would never read it.
In contrast, this year, I wanted to buy a card and not only that, I spotted cards expressly for lost loved ones. Well, I had never seen those before and thought to myself, why not, I have stumbled upon these for a reason, so I fumbled through them and selected one in the same manner that I have chosen her card.
The next day, before leaving for Southwold, a two hour journey, I sat down and just started to scribble down some words. Now don’t ask my why, but words just fall out of me at times and poems of sorts do as well and this time was no exception. Verse after two line verse just came from mind to pen and no sooner had I munched through my porridge, a dozen or so verses lay before me. I quickly typed it into my laptop, formatted it and jazzed it up and out it popped from my printer, yes reading it back made me cry, it was heartfelt and its real for me at least, but it was done with a degree of pride in the knowledge that my wife would have liked the effort.
There is a little sub story as well, in short, many years ago, I made a load of metal hearts with the purpose in mind to place them in parts of the country so my children and grandchildren could find them and follow in our footsteps. Well I knew that if I was to place my poem and flowers on the pier head, they will be removed and simply tossed to the tide, so I dug out a heart and screws and took them with me to secure them somewhere where they wouldn’t be disturbed.
On arrival at Southwold the tide was in, so my initial ideas for placing my flowers, poem and heart was quashed. Anyway, unperturbed by the inconveniences of time and tide and my lack of Canute’s power over the sea, I wandered to my next job, that of having fish and chips from the chippy we used to go to. I wandered back to the beach and sat and ate my chippy lunch in quiet reflection of our past times here doing just that, eating fish and chips by the seaside.
It was at this point I noticed a wooden groyne and thought, this would be a perfect place, so that’s where my heart sits today, the rose and the poem have been no doubt removed by now, what’s important to me will be rubbish to others, but hopefully my heart will go on (sorry Celine Dion)
I made a little video of the day and of course put all this in the card and sealed it up for others to find.
So what have I learnt from this, time does help and doing things with your lost one in mind sort of helps you in the process. I have blended the past with the present and secured a place in the future as well and in a way that feels good, as my wife will be remembered in the future as will I, the perpetrator of the deed. I have brought my wife along in my heart to a place we enjoyed, marked her presence and now taken a new memory forward.
I did this last year, but it was so so very painful, but in a strange way, and forgive me for saying this, it felt good this year.
I will be doing the same for my wedding anniversary next month, so hopefully that all goes well.
This is the poem:
Carol
Our wonderful life together, came and went so fast,
We thought it would last forever, but now it’s in the past.
For nearly 50 years you have been by my side,
But now I walk here, alone in my stride.
Tis been two years since you were taken away,
But alone I here sit, trying to celebrate your birthday.
I hope this loss isn’t mirrored as I want you to be free,
Be happy, be content and with heartfelt blessings from me.
Life will never be the same as I walk these pebbles, these sands,
For you are not here, even though I reach out for your hand.
I hope in my heart you will feel and through my eyes you will see,
That I will carry your memory as you will always be part of me.
I trust faith hope and destiny to bring some peace, someday,
And you will be my compass and steer my heart the right way.
For the meantime I will try hard to get along in this life,
But I miss you so dearly, my best friend, my dear loving wife.
Mike August 2022
