Replaying bad memories

Hi Everyone
I have never spoken to anyone how I am coping. I lost my beautiful daughter at 37 last year. Ovarian cancer was found when she was pregnant with her second child. It was a rare one. She was a fighter . I was her carer. I’m not good at writing this down. Many times she was let down by the medical profession. I slept by her hospital bed so I could care for her. The horrors and the pain haunt me now. My question is when does the good memories come. My life was for her for 5 year she had 37 operations. I don’t want justice. It’s a long story. I want peace. She was my best friend. I miss her so much. Thankyou . Sending a hug to everyone x

Not coping. Sorry . I just wanted someone to hear me.

I’m listening. I’m so sorry you have lost your beautiful daughter. There is so much support on this site. I have found it very hard to open up about myself here and therefore rarely comment. I lost my husband suddenly eight months ago.
I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and send you a big hug X

Arty. I am so so sorry for your loss. Losing a daughter must be so very very hard. I lost my husband in April so have a small understanding of your grief. My thoughts are with you

Duloe and lost soul I am so sorry . Sending hugs. Thankyou for your kind words. The pain never goes away . We all walk a hard path. Sometimes I forget there is always someone worst than me. I just lose my way for awhile. Thankyou xxx

No one is worse off… I can’t imagine how hard it is for you…
she was let down…you did everything you could to ensure she was treated and cared for…you loved her. She knew that…
There is talk of time and healing… I truly hope you will find peace and with that good memories.
Although my situation is different my emotions and thoughts are similar. X

Hi Arty, so sorry to hear you lost you daughter and sorry I missed your post (been a bit wrapped up feeling sorry for myself the last couple of days for various reasons). I lost my 35 year old daughter to suicide 20 months ago and find I have to work at the good memories, the bad ones come to mind so much easier. She had mental health problems and her care team knew she was suicidal but didn’t tell us, we had no idea and she hid it from us so well. I still feel angry about that. I look at her photo a lot, that helps, and all the things she gave us dotted all over the house make her seem closer. They’ve all got good memories attached to them. She was so loving, and that love never dies, like with you and your daughter, and that will help you through this. I don’t know when peace comes but I got to the point of accepting that Heidi’s out of the mental and physical pain she suffered for so long so I try to be happy about that for her sake. I do believe in heaven, even though my faith took a bit of a battering, and I know that she’ll be there waiting for me when my time comes. That thought helps.
Sorry I didn’t reply sooner, but I’m here if you want a chat or if you just want to offload how you’re feeling. There’s lots of lovely supportive people on here who understand what you’re going through, and some other threads on Losing a Child you might find helpful. Sending a hug to you too, Kathy x

Hi Arty, I lost my daughter in April aged 36 1/2 to breast cancer. Right now all I feel is anger and I am at the lowest ever. I hear my phone ring or get a text and it breaks my heart it’s not her. Like you I had so many medical questions which were duly swept under the hospital rug. I’m haunted by the memories of seeing her at the end and feeling so helpless. I can’t accept I’m here and she isn’t. Sending you hugs , there is always someone here to listen or vent to , myself included. x

KathyG and Chele I’m so sorry. Sending hugs. There are no words . There are no fixes . Just hearing that I’m not alone helps. I wish I could pray but I don’t believe. I wish I could feel my daughter near me but l know she is gone. The empty hole I feel never goes away. When someone asked if you are alright they don’t really want to hear. I say I’m ok. The overwhelming pain we all feel can only be felt if they could walk in our shoes and that is not possible. My two beautiful grandchildren are very young and with their father and his family. I feel so out of theirs lives now. They stay with me twice a year for a week in the holidays. It keeps me going. I miss talking to my daughter so much. We were so alike. I have read other people’s posts. We are all walking this awful path. My heart goes out to you all. Xxx

I totally g

I totally get what your saying. I have lost all faith in everything. I got so tired of saying I’m getting there and all the other crap responses I came up with to stop others feeling bad. Now I avoid going out , I shut myself in a room so I don’t have to deal with people in general. No parent should outlive their child , it’s not natural. Sending love to everyone going through this, it’s not right it’s not fair ! As you quite rightly said nobody knows unless they have walked in our shoes but I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. My dr thinks I’m depressed and wants to put me on meds, it should have been me . All we can do is be here for each other and hope we can find the strength we need to at least learn how to exist xxx

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Hi Arty,
13 years ago my beautiful wife lost her son (my step son), suddenly. There is no way of losing the sadness, I know she never did, but over a few years she did find a way of living along side that terrible loss. This is what I am trying to achieve now, - my Janet died last December from cancer. I have lots of pictures of her, all smiling and living each day to the full. She truly remains an inspiration. I now know at first hand the pain and emptiness - I feel more than half my soul is gone. I know that the sadness of her dying will never leave me, but her example shows that in time this next bit of our lives - not the one we could ever have imagined or even wanted to think about - can be of value and have pleasure. I know it won’t be as good as what I had before with Janet, but I want to do as she did; after all, (I have also said this elsewhere) if she were here (& me gone) I would not want her sad and feeling like this forever. I don’t know how or how long but I am keeping busy, doing lots of walks with our dog and starting new hobbies. Its a start.
I think as Chele said, we can also be here for each other. Its a fact no one else understands or gets it other than people like us (on this site).
Please look after yourself…

I’m so sorry … As for mental care team ha …I lost my wife on October 25th 2016 my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a week later and died on the 31st of December 2016 …I was in such a state grieving for my wife caring for my mother I was hallucinating and finally my mum was taken into a hospice I was drained exhausted physically mentally shattered mothers doctor said we are concerned about your health could we chat …I did chat …told her the doctor all about mum and Suzanne my wife’s death and that my wife had been suicidal at times (Suzanne my wife died in an accident at home) she had written suicide letter over the years …two months later I’ve got the police at my door one night arresting me for perverting the course of justice as the idiot doctor either purposefully (we’d had words about religion) or mistakenly had told the police that my wife had left a suicide note at the time of her death which I’d withheld …that’s what talking to a doctor or mental health care worker gets you when your in a mess trying to get help for 15 year old children and yourself …you have my sympathy x

David, I’m so sorry you had so much pain to cope with in such a short space of time. Life has a habit of kicking you while you’re down, doesn’t it. Some years ago my older sister lost her fight with pancreatic cancer, totally unexpectedly, on the day we buried my father in law. Unbelievable. As for Heidi’s situation, Mental Health told us afterwards that there was nothing more they could do for her, she wasn’t responding to treatment, was determined to kill herself and had even told them the date she was going to do it. So if they felt she was a hopeless case why didn’t they let me know and see if I could reach her? They’d got nothing to lose except they’d probably have been disciplined for breach of patient confidentiality, it’s all about following the regulations to the letter, ticking the right boxes and meeting targets. I’m sure they go into the profession with the right motives but then they get swallowed up in the system. How outrageous that a policeman called on you like that, while you were grieving and having two grieving teenagers in the house too, there must have been a more compassionate way to handle the situation. I hope you find comfort with each other. Our son, 34 and single, came to live with us for several months 8 months after his sister died, he couldn’t cope on his own anymore. It’s so important for family to stick together at times like this, you need each more than ever and always will now you’ve experienced how fragile life can be. The rest of the world seems to think that in a certain amount of time we’ll be over it. The fact that for us life has changed forever, and that we’ve changed too, doesn’t even cross their mind. Stay strong, take very good care of yourself and keep plodding on at your own pace - eventually there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I hope the three of you glimpse it very soon. Kathy x