Iām so sorry you are replaying their pain and your pain at witnessing theirs from diagnosis to passing.
I too was constantly haunted by this - Dad died 6 weeks after a sudden diagnosis of late stage lung cancer which had spread. He was also subject to medics ( I wonāt go on and on) who Iām sure had more of an inkling that scans were needed but who ā fobbed him offā for so many months.
Firstly, I know the pain of the replaying- it is acute- for the first months every time this happened it made my stomach turn over quite apart from the mental pain.
People , kind people who had been through the same replaying experience told me that it gets better with time.I then would desperately ask ā when, how long will it take for it not to be this bad?ā
One friend told me she had had to function for the hours her children were with her - protecting them helped her to compartmentalise because she had no choice.
All I can say to you from what I have read and experienced so far is that if I am forced to be out in public and have to concentrate, this at least gives me some respite from it.Which is just what Dad would want.
Just as you do not choose to suffer from replaying, I didnāt and donāt. But the acuteness of the memory, fowl tho it is, in some way keeps them near to us, the way it feels so acute and intense might have subconsciously have kept and keep him with me more vividly. I wouldnāt know if this is a valid thing to say, Iām no psychologist and if I am right, it makes no sense because it hurts you so much to do it.
And it is or feels downright involuntary.
For me, once I reached a stage where I wasnāt going to cry at anything with no control or warning when in public, I found being somewhere out of the house where I needed to concentrate in some way- even if it was a wonderful cousin making me laugh due to his wonderful sense of humour, I found this gave me a few hours respite.
It helps now to know Dad would be saying
āWhat the heck are you doing suffering like this? Yes, I suffered but in relative terms it wasnāt as long as some. Now stop it!ā ( Dad was a sincere plain speaking man)
At first I , just like you I was justifiably incensed at the medics involved.Initially I planned to get Dadās medical records, collate everything, even photos on his phone he had sent to his GP last March of clear signs justifying a scan that didnāt happen until he had weeks to live.
I knew I wouldnāt have the strength to do it right away and still havenāt.I would like to one day but being honest I donāt know if it would ever be something I could do without engendering more pain to me. But it might help other people and for that reason I wish I could.
Having said that and I so hope this helps you- I know now that if Dad had learned months and months earlier, given his age and the aggressiveness of the type of lung cancer he had, and given Dadās personality, he would simply have suffered the mental anguish at knowing he had to leave life for the whole time from diagnosis to passing. The experience for my dear Dad would have been just as mentally agonising, but would have lasted longer. And that would have been unbearable, even more unbearable for him.
If, knowing your mumās personality, she would have lived life for each day with positivity then I can understand so much why an inexcusable delay in diagnosis will hurt you so much.
All I would say is that if you follow this up with getting access to her medical records and making a complaint, please do not do this until you are in a much much better place emotionally.
I think you mentioned that you feel alone even though you have a partner.
When my mumās brother died 22 years ago, she reached a stage of resentment towards my Dad because unbeknown to us back then, my Dad was in the spectrum, wasnāt one for speaking of emotions, save for rare instances. He had never been close to his Mum or brother so had no reference point to understand mumās pain levels.
I donāt know anything about your relationship but if your isolation feelings are in any way due to you not being able to talk with him about it as much as you need, then tell him and beg him to address it.Iām not in a relationship at the moment. But my dearest friends have listened to me pouring out the same raw grief emotions repeatedly and regularly for ages and without complaint or impatience. I got sick of the sound of me.
You should be able to do the same with your partner if I have been blessed with this support from friends.
I think you said that your partner has since been bereaved as well.
He may, as some people do, not want to discuss it at all. Or you may both be able to help each other. Each personās relationship with someone they loved who has died differs and so does the emotions and levels of those emotions.
So in this sense, even if in the most wonderful relationship with the best person you could meet, we are alone in the sense that itās our grief for our lives one and we are all alone there.
I really hope that this is why you feel alone. If it is more like what happened when mumās brother died, tell him what you desperately need him to do.
The only other thing I can think of right now that I hope will ( but know may well not) help, is that I know your Mum would not want you to be suffering like this and for so long. It helps me sometimes to try to do and be and behave as Dad would have wanted. He would fervently not have wanted me to suffer this way.
Sometimes I tell myself I must honour what I know his wishes would be were he here to tell me. We know in an instant what they would want for us.
The only other thing that Iāve heard helps so much, but stupidly havenāt yet done, is to do some type of physical exercise.
I wish you strength and comfort.
sfc
Iām not sure I believe itās always bargaining thoughts, because for most of us I think it would be better to know that no wrongs had been done and that the medical staff didnāt mess up.