I lost my wife almost 2 years ago. She died after a 15th month battle with ovarian cancer. The trouble is, I am not sure I like the person grief is turning me into.
I struggle with resentment. I do not have any family, other than an elderly mother who has dementia. There is no siblings or cousins to help. I often feel like running away from this situation. There are two step brothers, one lives quite far away, the other very close to my mum but often when I ask him to do something to help me with her, he finds a reason not to.
My wife has a brother and sister, and I struggle with resentment with them. My sister in law in particular talks often about family and the importance of family and how I need to ‘just get in touch’ if I need anything. However I feel resentful that the onus is always on me. And I wonder why cant they pop by, or pick up the phone. There are adult nephew’s and nieces too who often encourage me to get in touch, but despite living very close, never instigate communication.
I too find with particularly older friendships there is expectation that I just need to get in touch. And they are largely absent.
And sometimes It’s just hard to do that – get in touch. I think, why should I, you never do.
Ironically newer friendships I have made since my wifes death are people who tend to get in touch with me, and I find I am far more likely to reciprocate and get in touch with them.
Is it me? Are my expectations too high?
To be honest this evening hasn’t been great. I’ve injured my knee and cant walk my dogs. There is a leak in my kitchen, the dog is sick and I know if I reached out to my brother in law and family they would help, but I just feel they are either too busy or not interested in me and so I don’t want to bother them.
I will deal with this on my own, but I feel resentful and angry. And I don’t like it.
I actually feel like I am vanishing from some circles, or some Heirloom to bring out at Christmas and birthdays and then is put away. And I feel I don’t want to engage, because I am so tired or engaging. Of reaching out if I need someone. Of having that responsibility without anybody who I might think of as my family actually checking out on me.
Just get in touch if you need anything and what I hear is If there is a crisis fine phone, but we don’t really care about you or what happens.
I don’t always feel resentful and a little angry about it, but I do tonight and I don’t like this person I have become. I know I am less patient, I know I am less tolerant since my wife died. I wish I was not this person. I don’t like him.
The horrible truth is, I wish my mum wasn’t here. She is suffering and it is horrible and I see no end to it. The horrible truth is I am so tired of caring for her (There are carers who come in, which I am hugely appreciate. It’s the lack of family support that drains me)
I wish I wouldn’t feel so resentful to my brother in law and his family. I wish I could over come it.
I wish I was the more easy going person when my wife was alive, I don’t like who I have become because all I can think of at times is how resentful and angry I am.
I hate it.
Hi @Iolaire. I can hear your anger and frustration and I understand how you feel. It is common for people to put the onus onto us to get in touch and ask for help, but when we are bereaved it is so hard to be able to do that, for a multitude of reasons as you have said.
My dad had dementia and it truly is a horrible illness and can be so exhausting for those who are careers. Do you live with your mum?
It sounds like you really need a break from everything. Is there a way you could get some respite care for your mum so you could maybe get away for a few days ?
Perhaps family think you really are coping and have no idea - how would you feel about maybe trying to reach out to them and say you are struggling and need to have a break?
It is easy to become overwhelmed by our emotions , especially when we don’t have anywhere to put them or people to share then with.
Getting it all out here can help - there are many people who feel similar and can offer support and understanding.
In the mean time try be kind to yourself and take some breaks from the troubles of your life when you can. Xx
Hi Iolaire I agree with Roni52 you definitely need a break but that is easier said than done; and of course your dog is sick. You sound like you are at the end of your tether so you’ve done the right thing venting on this site. And of course it’s not 2 years since your wife passed away. In many respects that’s still early days and you are living with grief every day which is exhausting.
It’s probably worth reaching out to your brother in law as they sound like they will be willing to help. If you don’t want to ask directly for help ( and I understand that) you could perhaps let them know you are struggling and ask them for advice what to do. It’s a roundabout way of asking for help without actually asking, if that makes sense.
Whatever you decide to do remember we are all here to listen and support and we all need someone to share feelings with. It’s just so sad that all of us on here have to get our support this way. Look after yourself xx
Sadly folk don’t want to intrude and need you to ask for help. You probably appear to be coping well. I lost my husband 17 months ago and externally I appear to be coping well, I’m practical and family friends have stopped popping in.But if I drop the steel front and let myself be more vulnerable and ask for help there’s plenty willing hands. It’s ok to let your guard down. Feel free to vent always happy to listen.
hi i think that its only now your grief is starting to catch up with you how you are feeling is normal we are in this club we didnt want to be in but we are i lost my husband 8 weeks ago to cancer we had been together 48 years and it is crap but we keep going dont be too hard on yourself maybe your family and friends dont know what to say but if you have to do the asking then do it some people are just not sure what to do or say and if you havent already speak to somebody who is trained in listening hope you do okay best of luck