So my mother passed away just after Christmas 2023. I got a phone call at 4am telling me she was in hospital and by 11.30sm that day she had passed. I live at the other end of the country so wasn’t able to make it in time to be able to say goodbye.
It turns out that she was riddled with cancer and had known since April last year. Only person who knew was my step dad and her best friend. My sister and grandmother had ko idea. We were all pretty blindsided when we found out.
I was extremely angry and hurt because i felt like she didnt trust me enough to tell me. Later on I found out she was glad I didn’t live near her and that she didn’t have to see me. When I found that out, I’ve never felt hurt like that before and I was so incredibly angry. I said some very hurtful things like I was glad she’s dead and hope wherever she is that it’s hot. Looking back now I feel incredibly guilty about the things I said but at the same time very resentful that we weren’t given the chance to come to terms with what was happening before it actually happened.
This has now caused a huge rift in the family, I’m no longer on speaking terms with any of them as the need for control and money have come between us all. Younger sister decided she wanted everything and convinced my grandmother to sign everything over to her. My step father has ended up inheriting the home I grew up in, all my mother’s belongings including items that were meant to be handed down, the title to the land and farm. Us kids have now been left with a huge legal battle to deal with.
Anyway, the entire reason for this rant is the feeling of guilt and resentment and anger is now affecting my adult life and while I am medicated and in therapy, my world seems to be growing darker. Others don’t seem to understand my situation and I’ve started to resent them as well because they still have their parents and don’t know what it’s like. Which then opens up another range of guilty emotions because I know its not anyone elses fault and I shouldn’t blame them.
Hope there is at least one person who knows how it kind of feels. I just need help 
Hello @kayslaw,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
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Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
@kayslaw so sorry to hear what you’re going through and about your mum.
I lost my mum 7 days ago. She was struggling with depression for few years. Each time we spoke (I live in different coubtry) she said sha was managing ok. Turns out last few weeks she wasn’t and she never told me. I’m her only child and I feel very upset she didn’t say anything. Because now I think I could have done something and she could have lived. Her derpression caused her to be overwieight and that led to other illnesses which killed her. I flown next day I knew she was in hospital. I watched her fighting for 7 weeks but wasn’t able to make contact. I am now left witb anger, guilt and emptiness. I can’t believe she hasn’t asked me for help. I know how you feel. I’m receiving therapy now beacuse I can’t cope with what happened. Hope we both get better soon. Take care, sending hugs and here to chat if you want to. xxx
Hello @kayslaw
I’m so sorry for everything you have been through, it must have been dreadfully upsetting to find out the true situation when it was too late.
Reading your story my automatic thought was that your mum was trying to protect you from the awfulness of it all so you could carry on with your life, it wasn’t that she didn’t trust you. In terms of being glad that she didn’t have to see you, again protecting you, and I guess herself, from the upset knowing what laid ahead. I obviously don’t know the relationship you had with your mum so I could be completely wrong, but just wanted to put a different perspective for you and I guess you may have already realised this yourself. Any loss is horrendous, but her withholding the information from you, even if her intentions were good, has made the situation far worse than had you been ‘prepared’ (is anyone ever prepared?) and been able to do your bit. Your anger & guilt is completely natural & understandable given the circumstances.
I don’t think any of us can imagine how we would react if diagnosed with cancer/terminal illness… until we found ourselves, god forbid, in that position. (I lost my husband of 21 years to cancer/covid in Nov 2021, he was 56).
It is still very very early days for you and the rest of your family, including those who were as in the dark as you, so emotions will be high all round. Please take things slowly and look after yourself as best you can.
I’m not sure if I have been much help, but sending massive hug. x