Funny because I just had a neighbor the other day discussing “keeping busy” as the way his mother coped w/ losing his dad. I thought to myself, I wish it were that easy. She has a social circle, he said. But, I thought, it’s not the one you love there. It’s more like trying to fill the void w/ noise.
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I know exactly what you mean. As the weather has been relatively nice I thought I had better get into the garden now the lawn etc. The garden was my husbands pride and joy. I did not find it easy as I could see him there - but f only 
A neighbour walked by and told me how nice it is to see me out and keeping myself busy, went on to say bring busy is the best thing for me. 
. No it isn’t. I haven’t been in hospital so am now going outside for some fresh air I’ve lost my husband the love of my life, after 45 years together I’m alone. It hurts, it’s painful, my heart is breaking, the tears are still there, only 4 months ago we were a couple, a unit. Now I’m solo. All I could think when the neighbour was talking to me offering me advice (not!) was ‘you wait until it happens to you - I didn’t say it but boy oh boy I wanted to. People do not understand.
Sorry - vent over. I just want my husband here
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It’s a comfort to know it’s not just me being ungrateful for peoples ‘helpful’ advice. Maybe they are just trying to be kind but really do they think joining a group/society is really going to make losing the love of your life better? I have tried but find it hard seeing other happy couples. Don’t get me wrong I don’t begrudge them being happy I just see how we were and that is no more. Another suggestion I’ve received is take yourself out of the house go and have a coffee somewhere. I’ve tried and found myself sitting on my own gazing around at couples and families. It’s too painful.
The worst though is the comment, your husband wouldn’t want you to be upset, he’d want you to live your best life. At this words fail me. I was living my best life, without him it’s now empty, pointless, scary.
As I sit here facing another day I think of us all who are grieving I hope and pray we are able to find some comfort in the life we have thrust upon us.
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Same here. I’m just sick of people who keep coming up to me and telling me about their Granny/Grandad, or someone else in their late 80s who had cancer. It’s like it’s a nervous thing with them, oh I’ll tell you my story so we don’t have to talk about your grief. I feel like screaming at them, my husband had just turned 60, in hospital 12 days before he passed away, and I’m 55. Can they not hear themselves for goodness sake!
I’ve lost so many years with him and I’m completely devastated and heartbroken
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I agree with everything you’ve said. Recently a friend suggested I do some voluntary work when I m feeling better!!. Seriously what is “better” ? just now I still feel like screaming and banging my head off the wall. I wish friends would think before they offer advice. My partner died suddenly five months ago and like you I don’t want to join clubs or get a pet. I just want him back and that’s what I can’t have.
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I do try to give them the benefit of the doubt, telling myself they are trying to be helpful and kind. I have a counsellor whose opinion is they are trying to make themselves feel better. They can say they did their best but I wouldn’t accept advice. I’m inclined to agree. It’s 18 months since he died it’s not getting easier. This second year if anything is actually worse. The realities have really struck home. This is it, this is what life is going to be.
Nothing is going to bring my husband back. Joining a group/society may fill my time but it also brings home to me I’m on my own. I’ve somehow got to find a path through this devastating grief. It helps to know we are not alone. There is good advice available but only when we are ready for it. At the moment I’m not. It’s all still too raw.
I cared for my lovely man for five years watching the dementia take him away. Thankfully I was able to keep him at home with the aid of wonderful carers. It was truly heartbreaking watching him slowly disappear. Along with him I became housebound as well. During this time Covid happened. Now I feel as though I need rehabilitation. So much has changed, partly due to Covid. I go out and I feel like an alien! Technology which does have wonderful benefits but can also cause numerous problems is an on going worry. You just get the hang of something and it’s updated! I’ve come to the conclusion nothing is simple. I’ve stopped actively watching the news bulletins. Maybe i am sticking my head in the sand but I can’t cope with the horror. We are fragile, our grief is enough we have to protect ourselves.
Sorry if I’ve rambled on. It’s good to know I’m not alone.
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Loss of a spouse at 60 has got to be brutally hard. People have no clue is all I can say. When I lost my husband, I had a distant friend babble on about her quiet house after she lost her dogs. Ok, I gotta go is all I thought!
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I think caring for a partner w/ dementia has got to be brutal. I worried my spouse, w/ all of this problems, could get that, too. I knew I wouldn’t have handled it well. Yes, fragile is the word. I protect my mental health from a lot since my spouse passed. I stay in my own lane, so to speak mostly.
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Grief is so hard to navigate through with many mountains to climb and never reaching the summit.
I think of everyone enduring this grief we are all helping one another on this site and I say thank you. You all help me in my heartbreak 
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Hi Peg2
I wanted to take the time to let you know that you are not alone. I lost the love of my life, husband, soulmate and best friend of 20 years to bile duct cancer last June. He was diagnosed only 8 months previously and went downhill really fast. Sadly, his suffering was horrific and has left me traumatised, but he never once complained about anything. He was just 58 years old, the same age as me. All of our hopes, plans and dreams for the future have all vanished into thin air. He was my WORLD, and I was his. We were inseparable, and did everything together, we even worked together. Neither of us had any separate interests… we were “ONE” literally. I’m completely and utterly heartbroken, lost, devastated and in total despair. The loneliness and isolation are unbearable for me, even though I work full-time… I have to, there is no choice. My life has changed completely and is unrecognizable, consisting of work/home/work/home/work/home. I was living the dream, and my life was a fairytale being lived with the most loving, kindest, caring, trustworthy, reliable man that God ever put on this earth. My fairytale was annihilated by cancer and I was plunged into a living nightmare, where I remain. This shouldn’t have happened, and definitely not at 58 years of age… the worst thing is… nobody gets it… no one can understand, unless they’ve lived it. Sadly, I’ve come to realise there’s no point in even trying to make people understand as it’s just NOT possible! Somehow, the world is still spinning, and I’m still walking through hell. I think it may have been Sir Winston Churchill who said “If you’re going through hell, keep going” and that’s what I’m desperately trying to do.
We just wanted to grow old together, but that will never happen.
Everything has changed forever, including me.
Sending you warm hugs and complete understanding.
Eve x
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Eleven weeks for me. Realĺy bad morning,yesterday I felt strangely calm but during the evening I began to feel the tension and its hit me this morning!
Took my dog out,tried to avoid people in the park but a dog walker spoke to me and I just broke down. Think I scared him a bit ,I felt so stupid.
All I want is some quiet time in my head.
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Thank you so much Eve, your words have really helped me.
This is such a terrible awful cruel road to be on. It’s relentless
I hope you manage to have as good a weekend, as you can. They’re very hard when you’ve lost the love of your life x
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Some people just cannot read the room and yes it will happen to some of them too. They will understand then. Not that I wish it on anyone but some people just don’t think what they are saying. Dumb ass’s.
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I keep telling myself that people mean well but it’s hard when they offer advice but have no idea of what you are going through. I had a good friend call round yesterday and she told me I really need to start getting out more ! My husband only died five weeks ago today how is getting out more going to take my pain away. It’s ok not to ok when you have suffered such a loss but people can’t cope with seeing that and want to try and fix things for you.
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Yes, people don’t know how to deal with grief if they’ve never experienced a deep loss. My mate last year kept pushing me to go out in the day and try to do something as if she could fix me. I told her you can’t fix me, it is something I have to cope with in my own time. After the summer I realised I had pushed myself too much and it pushed me back into despair. So I hibernated over the winter and just do what I can do rather than what people think I should be doing…
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My friend has admitted she doesn’t know what to say to me and that’s why she doesn’t come over as much. I’d been telling her I didn’t feel any better and I’m not willing to put on a mask and say lm ok. I’m 5 months down from my partner’s sudden death. Most people are getting on with their lives but I’m stuck, can’t even think of trying to move forward the pain is still so acute. I’ve just had a meltdown about a poem I saw on FB. Where or what do I move forward to anyway? My partner was my rock, we were supposed to keep each other company in our old age, be there for each other. Where is this place I move forward to, do I want to go there?
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Hi Norma1,
Sorry for your loss. You are in the very early stages still. Your friend just needs to be your friend and understand that you are different now without your husband. She obviously doesn’t know much about grief. You can’t rush it on, to please others. You just need to ride the waves as best you can. Be kind, very kind to yourself. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Do what you can and want to do only. Pushing yourself when your not ready will only catch up with you and knock you back down again. My first 18months went by in a blur. I don’t know how I got through it but just a day at a time. Sending you a big hug xxx
We all know how you are feeling on here, we are all together in grief, no matter at what stage xx
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I get so fed up of feeling like this all the time. Just want to feel like myself. Its exhausting,I either want to scream,shout and cry or feel I have to put on a brave face for my family. Saying Im eating and sleeping when Im not feels wrong but I dont want them worrying. I just want to go back to my comfortable,easy boring life with my one true friend, my Husband. Im sick of small talk and pretence.
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Only just read your response. Completely get what you are saying. My response on one occasion, must have been feeling brave that day ! was ‘ it’s all about quality not quantity ‘