I am finding it difficult to keep saying “I’m okay.” when I am not okay. I feel angry when I’m asked this question.
My heart is breaking. I don’t want to do life without my husband.
Has anyone else been angry for no reason at all? And how do you respond to “Hope you are doing okay and keeping busy” type questions from people who are checking in but wouldn’t be able to handle the truth or depth of sadness they have not experienced.
You just tell the truth and say that you are not doing well. They’ll probably find that difficult to deal with but so what! You are the one who’s grieving and unless someone has been down this path they really have no idea of the pain, however sympathetic they are.
Sorry you have had to join this journey we are all now on.
I started saying to people when they asked me if I was ok, I’m virtual and moving forward or sometimes. No not really I’m still grieving as sadly it’s a kind of a forever thing.
I put on my mask every single day and people think I’m fine, those that don’t live with grief don’t get it. It’s just easier to not have to explain it as it takes a hell of a lot out of you.
I’m 50 weeks in so only two weeks away from my year anniversary and sometimes it feels like it happened to someone else and I’m watching on the sidelines then reality kicks in and the tears flow.
You do whatever feels right for you. One step at a time
So sorry for your loss.
I think your reaction (and anger) is perfectly understandable.
My wife and I spent 30 years together growing closer every day until it was impossible to tell where I started and she ended. So when she died, the separation couldn’t be clean. Instead we were ripped apart and huge chunks of me went with her - my gut, my heart, my soul - leaving my flesh torn and my body broken.
It sounds like your experience has perhaps been similar, so I suspect you know what I mean, but it’s the sort of pain that’s unimaginable to anyone who hasn’t experienced it, so how could they comprehend it?
Like @Heartbroken12 I used to put on a facade but I found pretending I’m ok so draining that now, when people say to me “How are you?” or “Are you ok?” I tend to look them in the eye and ask outright “Are you genuinely asking?”
And if they say yes, as they invariably do, I tell them.
Some people don’t know how to respond but, on the whole, I’ve found that most respond with kindness and we often have a genuine conversation that doesn’t exactly make me feel better but does at least feel honest.
Yes diffinately think and have thought all those things!
I am now becoming ‘nana’ Catherine Tate. No filter!
I feel quite angry when people ask me if I’m okay and tell me I’m doing well and it will get easier …..
NO I’m not okay,
NO I’m not doing well and
a definite NO it isn’t getting easier.
I would rather not be asked.
I reply that I’m not doing okay which often leaves them unable to reply.
The loss of my husband is so deep they don’t have capacity to understand what grief actually is.
Yes time moves on -
Hours pass into days which pass into weeks but it doesn’t get easier.
Our ‘new lives’ are so very different we have changed grief has made us change.
It’s sad to read how we are all trying to navigate this different life.
Hugs to you all we understand one another
Good morning, please be kind to yourself.
Your not angry for no reason, your not okay. And its okay to not be okay. Your world has fundamentally changed, you have fundamentally changed. We are wired through history and bonds to our person and then they are taken away forever. This is real life trauma, grief and longing.
I still want to scream when anyone asks am I okay, im almost 2 years in.
My reply in the early days ‘ive been better, but thanks for asking. Now my reply ‘im surviving, not thriving yet, but im working on it.
Baby steps, our journey is incredibly painful. Big hugs x
I completely understand how you feel. My husband and best friend died three weeks ago today. I’m finding it hard to envisage a meaningful life without him. When people ask me if I’m ok it just seems that they are not fully comprehending what I am going through. How I can I possibly be ok after the loss of my soul mate.
And that, right there, is more truthful than anything else. How I can I possibly be ok after the loss of my soul mate? People dont understand. How could they.
I am so sorry to hear of your news. Big hugs and strength sent to you.
My advice at this incredibly painful time, only 3 weeks in. Try and lower your expectations of people. They dont understand. They never will. Some, mean well, some its all to save face and be able to say ‘well I tried’.
Try not to allow anyone to force you into anything or railroad you. No big decisions other than what you have to.
I didnt want to be here, I thought if I was with him, it would be better. This journey is one of the longest and hardest ive ever travelled, I was 48, sudden death, killed at work on a normal day as I was on my way out to work the police knocked on my door. My life has never been the same and I dont expect it to. I turned 50 in January this year, I didnt think id make it, but I did.
You’ve got this. Take it 5 minutes at a time, take timeout, eat and drink whatever you can tolerate. Sleep. But please be kind to yourself, you are important and loved.
Thank you for so much for your message and advice. I think you are right that I need to lower my expectations of people and take time to take care of myself.
I’m so sorry that for your loss. I’m only at the beginning of this journey but knowing that you have found a way through gives me hope.
Thank you. I’m glad it gave you a little hope.
Right now just focus on the next hour, not the next year. Be gentle with yourself.
Some days it will feel relentless. That’s normal this early on. You don’t have to swim the whole ocean right now. Just stay afloat for today.
Slow and steady. Whatever you need to do to get through the day is enough.
Five minutes at a time.
I love this 
That’s so helpful. It’s good to talk to people who know how hard this is. Made me cry. Happy tears x
Thanks All. Helpful to know that it’s normal to feel angry when you’re asked “how are you?”. I’m trying to have a ready reponse but I think a shrug it a good response. I do not have to say anything and can instead ask how they are..
Me and my husband met so late in life and had only 2 full years of marriage. I’ve had people act like my marriage is not that big a deal because we didn’t have kids and spend decades together. Why do people not get that you can be with someone for a short time but be so in love that you can’t remember, or imagine, life without your partner? Why do people not get that I can’t see a future without my husband because I only dreamt of a future with him in it?
Death has not touched these people’s lives the way it has ours. Unfortunately, it will, because its a part of life and love.
Right now, you dont need them to understand, you just need them to be present, but dont hide your feelings either, its so exhausting, holding back and returning home a wreck. Some people genuinely mean well, but they don’t know what to say or do.
You will find your way, I promise. Its normal to be angry, sad, scared, tired, heavy, every single emotion you can think of at once, and you don’t have to make sense of them, especially not right now.
Take extra special care of yourself, right now everything will feel like its not real.
Baby steps x
Many people have no clue. I have been trying to accept this fact. Many people say to keep busy. Well, you can use distraction somewhat, but it’s only just so helpful and for a short time. I think for me I had to set my mind to not hide, but go full force into the grief for it to let up a bit. I couldn’t evade it or “keep busy.” It just isn’t a workable long term strategy for anyone.
Yes the keeping busy advice can get a little wearing. Keeping busy won’t actually change my new reality. I think you just have to learn to do what is right for you. I’m still in the very early stages and don’t think I’ve even processed the fact I’m not going to see my husband again.
It’s a process and it changes through time. Yes, you have to learn what is right for you! We all have different backgrounds and equally unique relationships w/ our loved ones. One thing that is right for someone isn’t for everyone else.
This is the first time I’ve posted or replied. Everything I’ve read has resonated with me. I know people feel they want to help but if one more person suggests I join a book group I will scream. I’m 18 months in on this journey I didn’t want to take. I’m surviving that’s all I can say. Everything seems pointless, I go through the motions of living. I watched my lovely man slowly disappearing with dementia. They say it’s the long goodbye, yes it definitely is. Nothing can replace him. I’ve no idea what I’m going to do, the future is frightening and lonely. I just try to take a day at a time. Some days are worse than others. I do get fed up of putting on the face, smiling and saying yes, I’m ok, surviving. My hear goes out to you all. Thank you for sharing. We do all understand the trauma.
Thank you for being so open and honest. I think what people don’t appreciate is that we don’t need any advice on how to cope with the loss , we just need people to listen. Keeping busy or joining groups can’t and won’t take away the pain and loneliness of loosing your best friend. I’m scared of what the future holds and nothing anyone can say can make that fear go away.
