Responsibility for Mum now Dad has passed

Dad passed away in December after a short illness and now have responsibility for Mum. A responsibility I do not want. I am really struggling with my feelings as I was much closer to Dad and at times have quite a toxic relationship with Mum who has very limited mobility and now has carers four times a day. I live about 35 mins away from Mum. Feel anxious all the time and miss Dad so much. Anyone in a similar situation

Dear dolphin1. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and the circumstances you now find yourself in. You don’t give your age, the age of your mum or whether you have a full time job or are retired yourself. You ask if anyone is in a similar situation, but unless we know more about you and your circumstances we cannot say if we are in a similar situation or not…

Sheila xx

Hi there. Thanks for your reply. I am mid 50’s Mum is 79 and I am retired. I have a very busy life and have never had the best of relationships with Mum but I feel I need to change the way I feel and try and build a better relationship with her. I find it tough as am grieving for Dad who I love deeply

Hello Dolphin1, Thank you for giving more information. Your mum is being cared for by carers so as far as I can see, it only entails you dropping in now and again to visit her, keep an eye on how she is being looked after and let the carers know you are there when they need you. You don’t have to change your lifestyle at all. I know she is your mum and you don’t have the perfect relationship with her, my mum when she was your mums age thought she could talk to me however she wanted to and it caused friction when I answered back so I kept my mouth shut, visited her and then went back home again.
Give it a try, visit her, talk about your dad and how much you miss him and take the lead from her, if she won’t budge and is not bothered about forming a better relationship with you then she is the loser. Because of her age you do need to respect her but she also has to respect you it does not mean you have to give up your lifestyle, but if she does start being awkward just tell her that you will not stand for it and if she still wants you in her life then she has to meet you half way.

Good luck, now you are retired you can do what you want to, visit her when you want to and just see what happens.

Take care.

Sheila xxxx

Many thanks Sheila you seem a very kind and thoughtful person. It makes such a difference hearing all this from someone else. Best wishes to you and take care. If ever you want to chat about your own feelings and thoughts do not hesitate to make contact xx

You are welcome, we are all here for you.

Sheila xx

Hi dolphin I have a similar situation. I was so very close to my father but no so to my mother, things were very chaotic and fragmented growing up so I clung to my dad for stability and some normality. Since he passed it’s been very hard. My mum has carers each day and now has moved to an Independant living place for which I am grateful. It’s two years since my dad passed but it feels like yesterday still. It drove me to my limits at times as I wore myself outvusiting everyday. I now know this and that is to look after myself better and let the carers do their thing. I don’t visit every day now (the guilt at first was hard). I visit when I can but when I I feel able to be positive and strong. It gets better slowly. I hope with time you will some of you back again and that you feel stronger. Step at a time I find for me.
Thank you being so brave to post and take care of you

Thankyou for replying to my post. What I am learning from recent counselling sessions is that I still have my life to live and I should try and not feel so guilty about Mum. I cannot make her happy only support her but as you say let the carers do their job and continue to live my life as best I can. i miss Dad so much. you take care x

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