It’s been 4 weeks since my dad died and I haven’t been back to work as I can’t face it. My school have been very supportive. I’m a primary teacher with a very full on class and I don’t feel strong enough yet to go back. I feel guilty but I’m still processing his loss and it all happened quite quickly. I know there isn’t a timescale for grief and I know I need to look after myself and be ready so I can do my job properly when I do return. Why does it feel like that is a long way from happening?
Hello KLD,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Naoise
Hello, firstly I am sorry for your loss. I am afraid I can’t offer advice about your situation, since I am feeling a bit lost myself, but I did want to offer support and say you are not alone. My Dad passed away 5 days ago and I have been off work since. My employer so far have been amazing and just keep saying I should take all the time I need, but my husband is concerned as it’s quite a new job and I am still in my probationary period. He was suggesting I go back on Monday, after my Dad just died on Thursday. I didn’t feel ready, but was worried I was wrong. All I keep reading is that it’s different for everyone and to listen to how you are feeling, but I just don’t know how I will know when I am ready. Today is the first day I have been alone and had nothing specific to do and I have only just got up and got dressed at midday. My job is far less demanding than yours and I work from home, which I think will help when I do go back. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to get back to a classroom full of children and hold it together, so I can really see why you are finding it hard to be ready to go back. I am thinking I may go back some time this week, but then I feel guilty at ‘getting over it’ too quickly and moving on, when it feels wrong for everything to carry on as normal. I am so sorry you are going through this, too.
Thank you for your response. I’m sorry for your loss. No one can prepare you for this loss and my advice is to take all the time you need. I’ve decided to be signed off for another few weeks and my employer has been understanding. You need to look after yourself as it’s a hard journey to navigate. Look after yourself and don’t go back until you feel ready. The funeral prep is hard and I found after the funeral I needed time to process that. We have to get used to a huge change in our lives. Losing a parent is so difficult. Look after yourself.
Could you stay off work for the rest of the term? I ended up having 3 months off followed by a 3 month phased return. Prior to that, my sickness record was immaculate. But I kinda knew my work would be OK about it, because my line manager had had bouts of long term sickness related to mental health troubles, and her boss was on long term sick at that time because he’d just lost his second parent 
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So, I know that if I worked anywhere else I’d have been more worried about taking too much time, but even when I did return I found it hard. The phased return helped a lot. I gradually got used to being in that role again.
Good luck 
Thank you for your response. I’m glad your employer was understanding. I work in a large school so staffing isn’t a problem and they have a supply teacher in there so all is fine. It’s the guilt you feel at not being able to go but I know I’ll never get this time back to properly heal. A phased return sounds like a really good idea.
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I went back to work 3 weeks after my mum died because the rest of my family did and I thought it would be a good distraction. I work as a nurse, and I did cope for a while but realise that I should have taken more time off. As you said, you won’t get this time back. I had guilt around leaving my patients etc, and feeling like I was letting my colleagues down or increasing their workload, but when I went back I realised that they were fine without me. They were surprised to see me back so soon. Now 9 months has passed and I seem to be experiencing another wave of grief and am struggling to cope at work, so am thinking of going off sick again. I’d encourage you to take as long as you need, going back the strongest version of you will be best for the kids you teach, and the school will be fine without you. Hope you manage to find some peace with it 
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