It’s been 23 weeks since I lost my husband and although not quite so raw, the tears still flow from nowhere . Does or has anyone else, found it almost unbearable to go through the wardrobes and remove their clothes ? I keep trying but as silly as it might sound , I feel if I remove them, he will never come home !
Is it too soon ? When do people do this ? Does it make it more real ? Any replies would be most welcome
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Hi sueandnev,
I am sorry you find yourself on here after the loss of your lovely Husband.
There is no time limit on sorting out clothes, I did it within 4 months of my husband’s death as I couldn’t cope seeing his things every time I opened the wardrobe but I have a friend who is the opposite and 3 years down the line still has everything, she says she couldn’t stand opening the wardrobe and not seeing her Husband’s clothes so we are all different. You take your time and do it when you feel ready and if you are never ready then that’s ok as well.
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I’m so sorry for your loss.
When my mother-in-law lost her husband, it took about five years for her to give away his clothes. She kept one suit, a flannel shirt that he had loved, and his favorite shoes. She found a group through her church that helped rehome the rest of his clothing to folks in need without them paying for it. I think that helped her a great deal, and it was done in stages.
Earlier this year, I finally went through my mother’s clothing and did something similar. I kept a sweater that I had knitted for her and that she loved, and her favorite shirt and pants outfit. I’ve been giving away the remainder of her clothing gradually. It hasn’t put a dent in my grief, but I know it’s been the right thing for me to do.
I hope you find a good solution in your own time. It’s not an easy task.
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Hello @Sueandnev, I am so sorry for your loss, I’m at 15 months and the tears flow at some point nearly every day.
It was about 4 months that I started to sort through my husband’s wardrobe, I cried every time I but a bag out for the charity shop, what if he was to come back he would be so cross. I knew deep down he wasn’t, it was just not wanting to accept he had gone.
I have kept a few special items of clothing that remind of him, his toothbrush is still sits in the bathroom next to mine, his dressing gown hangs on bedroom door. His aftershave and shaver still sit on the dressing table. I have a memory box too with all his personal things in.
Only do it if and when you are ready.
Debbie X
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I sorted marks clothes after about 3 months as I couldn’t cope with seeing them or even knowing they were there. Put them into bags and took them to 3 different charity shops.
Everyone is different you just have to do what feels right for you. I’m sure you will know when you are ready.
Take care xx
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Hi. It is fifteen weeks since my darling Bev died. Her clothes and possessions are still in their place. I don’t think there is a right time to get rid of them, it’s down to how you feel but don’t rush anything, take each day at a time and don’t beat yourself up about it. I tried to be brave for a few weeks but ended up making myself ill. These lovely people on here are all suffering as you are and I find talking on here a massive help.
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Hi @Sueandnev. 10 weeks or so (I don’t count) since I lost my lovely husband, suddenly and totally unexpected. I cleared his things out in the very early days as I was concerned that, for me, the longer I left it, the harder it would be. I almost had a feeling of being compelled to do it and I think it was about some sort of visible evidence that life has to go on without him - Godawful though that is.
As others have said, there are odd things dotted about here and there which are visible reminders but I am determined not to start bestowing the odd jacket, shaving brush or jumper with shrine status!
We’re all different.
What helps one person cope would be detrimental to someone else.
All you can do, as any of us can, is do what works for you.
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Thank you for your kind words, So many people have responded and it really does helps
Thank you for your kind words, So many people have responded and it really does help
Thank you for your kind words, So many people have responded and it really does help, I never thought it would be this hard but one day at a time
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Thank you Jeff, it really is hard isn’t it
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Yes everyone is different I still have my husbands clothes some in boxes his favourites still hanging in the wardrobe after ten months . I had a friend make a Teddy out of two of his shirts which for me I found very comforting This I can keep when I am ready to clear the rest of his belongings.
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Hi Chrissy my husband to be passed away sudden last year I was going to get a teddy made with his clothes but not sure if it will upset me I still have his clothes hanging up not sure I want to put them away x hope your doing ok x Yvonne
Hi,
I am so sorry to hear of your lose. My partner died age 54 at the end of March this year and the thought of sorting his clothes is so hard. He was such a flamboyant character I am afraid if and when I give them to charity I know I will recognise them.
We have asked a local crafter to make us some memory bears with his most favourite clothes including his bright purple and red fluffy tops, his black and white leopard print dressing gowns and they will have their paws made from his pink and purple jeans. Each will have a little blanket to go with them made out of one of his other tops. He loved a comfy blanket no matter what the season.
No time is right or wrong, only you can make that decision. I made a start on less person items such as his computer games as I needed to clear some space in my head and it felt like these were just constantly in my face. In the end there were about 2000 games so the money raised will pay for the bears so I saw it as a gift from him which helped ease my conscience so to speak.
Thank you Yvonne and Paula totally empathise with you both coming to terms with our loss I feel I am not ready regarding my husbands clothes and possessions I feel he is closer to me having them in the wardrobe as they were before he passed away. Some days are ok abd then it hits you like a brick. Take care and Keep in touch x
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Thank you I feel such comfort in seeing his clothes in the wardrobe I still have his dressing gown hanging in the bathroom , it’s all so sad but must keep positive but I know that’s very hard sometimes when you feel robbed of your happiness times a healer they say xx Yvonne
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You will find that something that you can’t cope with deciding about one day, another day, you will be able to make a decision
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That is so very true @SueMa - something you can’t do one day you can do on another day.
I’m still just working on moments of time - I haven’t got as far as days yet, so one moment I’m pottering along feeling relatively calm and composed and the next moment sobbing into my hanky, feeling heartbroken.
I think grief is a bit like dieting in that what works for one person, in terms of providing some small comfort, eg. keeping clothes and possessions around, won’t work for someone else - those clothes and possessions are visible reminders of what you no longer have so they don’t provide any comfort - they add to the grief.
Hold on to whatever brings you some comfort is my mantra, for however long you need, in order to survive this cruel painful experience.
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Someone told me that it’s hard because those things meant something to the person that has died. I have kept a lot of things, not clothes, and can get very upset when I look at them. I have taken photos of a lot. I wear 2 of my mum’s dressing gowns but brothers clothes were easier to let go
Hi,
I completely get the “moments” one minute I feel like I have taken 10 steps back and felt like I was trudging though treacle just to get through then I “forget” for a few minutes whilst lost in a silly TV show where I am in my life until it all comes flooding back.
I have taken some time with my family and friends this week as hard as it is but it was our Granddaughters first Birthday and our grandsons first sports day. They needed me to be there and so did our daughter and I would end up regretting missing these milestones.
The sorting can wait for another day when I feel ready to carry on.
We must all take steps at our own pace and just do what feels right “in the moment”
Take care
Paula
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